Sunday, July 26, 2009


I would be hard-pressed to think of a stupider Final Girl in a slasher movie than the ignorant girl in SCHOOL'S OUT. It's bad enough that there's zero blood, zero gore, no hot chicks, no suspense and no logic but then they have to insult us even further with a Final Girl who's fat and so dumb that I doubt she could even make a bowl of cereal without getting one of her friend's killed.

A small group of teenage nerds go to their high school at night to prepare some pranks on their teachers. Once there some strange shit goes on and suddenly a dork in a harlequin costume (how scary!!!) starts chasing them around with a large pair of scissors. That might sound exciting, I guess, but it's not. Everybody just stands around like jackasses until they're all dead and we're left with the Final Girl. I'm not one to normally yell at the TV, but with this bitch I couldn't help it. It's really unbelievable. If you want I'll tell you...[SPOILERS!!!] At the very end the two killers are in a room with the Final Girl. Only one of the killers has a weapon (a knife) and the other is bleeding to death. The Final Girl has a loaded gun!!!! She does nothing and one of the killers even ends up killing somebody else who comes in the room! [End of spoilers.]

Don't watch this film. It has absolutely nothing going for it. One week after seeing it you won't remember anything except the disappointment you felt while watching it. Skip it.
Nice camera flash effect...


[Update 6/18/2017: I promise to fix this review one day. I have no fucking idea when.]

Click on that poster.  Click on it!!!  [waiting...]  Did you see that?!  That's like one of the most awesome horror movie posters of all time.  Unfortunately, for us idiots who fell for it, the movie itself sucks total fucking balls.   The first movie was just ok (it had an awesome poster also), so you would have thought that I learned my lesson, but no I go into Part 2 thinking about how promising that poster looks's crap.  Very little action, mostly shot in the dark and the shots of the wire-flying piranhas are so quick you can barely even see what's going on.  Very disappointing.

The only saving grace in this clusterfuck is it has an early performance by Lance Henriksen.  Skip it.

Part 1

Reboot 1
Reboot 2

PIRANHA (1978)

[Update 6/18/2017: I promise to fix this review one day. I have no fucking idea when.]

Highly aggressive mutated piranhas + 70's swimwear fashions = pure kickass! ...or so you would hope. In reality the whole thing is pretty tame. Some fish get loose and nibble on various people. It's just interesting enough to keep you watching, but nowhere even remotely as cool as that poster. The fish are normal size and you never even get a good look at them.

The film starts out with two idiot hikers breaking into a posted "No Trespassing" government facility, they see a huge tank of liquid and just jump in. It could have been a pool full of giraffe urine, but these fuckers don't care. Ends up instead of giraffe urine it was actually full of salt water and mutated piranhas.

A investigator is sent to find the two idiots so now she breaks into the facility and without consulting anybody drains the pool into a river. In my opinions that makes her responsible for the death and injury of every person who ends up getting attacked by the piranhas. Anyway now the fish are loose and they just eat the fuck out of everybody. They even somehow kill a dude who was sitting on a dock with his feet in the water. Hint: pull your goddamn feet out of the water!

It goes on like that until the end. Blood, zero CGI special effects, brief nipples, funky 70's bodies, humorous attack scenes, funny pronunciation of the word "piranha". Worth a watch, but just don't expect too much. My biggest complaint is there were no hot chicks. P.J. Soles was at her hottest in 1978 (one year before ROCK N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL) and she would have added some much needed excitement that this film lacks.

Part 2
Reboot 1
Reboot 2

I'm no professional water skier, but that line looks a little slack.

It will take that asshole all day to inflate that balloon lounger.


What is the point of this movie? Does it even take place in our universe or in some alternate reality where retarded shit is commonplace? From what I can tell there's this "midnight" train that leaves every night at 2:06 A.M. (what? that's not midnight!) and every night this dude attacks the last few passengers with a large hammer until CGI blood shoots out all over the place. The train drives on to a hidden location then the driver and the killer feed the corpses to some generic looking monsters. Why? What? How? What the fuck? That's stupid. Wouldn't you think the police would become interested when the same train has multiple disappearances every fucking night?! Yeah, there's this one lone copper that's in cahoots with the murderers, but how can she cover up the hundreds of murders all by herself?

Alright lets just forget the ignorant story for a minute and concentrate on the sucks. The killer never says a word and his only facial expression is the "I'm trying to hold in a giant fart" expression. He has zero screen presence and he's not scary. Also his weapon is stupid: a giant shiny hammer!  Jason from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3 would slaughter the fuck out of this guy in 5 seconds!

Honestly I cannot think of any reason to ever watch this movie. It's unoriginal, slow and has no personality. There is nothing here that you haven't already seen before.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

ZOO (2007)

It's amazing how a film with such an interesting subject - the infamous "Mr. Hands" horse love video where a guy is loved to death by a stallion - could be so boring. The facts we know are some guy's got together for a weekend of fellowship and horse molesting, but ZOO never goes any farther than that. There are a few audio interview clips from three of the participants told over vague reenactments but that's it! Where are the interviews with psychologists, human sexuality experts, police, family members, hell anybody that could shed some light on why a person would sink to the level of not only being penetrated by a two foot horse dong, but actually going through the trouble of finding like-minded perverts, getting together and filming it?

Very disappointing. The only interesting things I learned from this 76 minute snoozer was Mr. Hands had a cast of the horse's wang in his apartment and that one of the miniature horses on the ranch was trained to suck another horse's dick. What the fuck is wrong with people? It's a good thing the aliens in THE ABYSS didn't see the Mr. Hands video instead of Ed Harris sacrificing himself to save his wife or we'd all be dead right now!!!

Thumbs up for making a documentary about such an interesting subject, thumbs down for doing it in such a boring way.
No, you were evil before just nobody knew about it.