THE TALK OF THE TOWN (1942)

Cary Grant (in one of my least favorite roles) is a factory worker who's framed for a fire that killed a person. He's innocent but the jury is out for blood so he escapes and conveniently just happens to hide in the attic of a house Jean Arthur is preparing to rent to one of the greatest legal minds in America. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.

TTOTT is a good film (mostly in part to Jean Arthur's delightful performance), but I've always been confused by the strange combination of serious drama and romantic comedy. It doesn't go together well. The beginning of the film leans more towards the comedy with some moments even stepping into screwball territory (Arthur trying to hide Grant in the house) and those bits are very enjoyable, but then the drama takes over and everything slows way down. That's too bad because this film has the makings of a great comedy...Stevens and Arthur would make up for it just a year later with the wonderful THE MORE THE MERRIER. I highly recommend that film.

As far as TTOTT goes though, it's good for a rent but that's about it. Overall it's pretty forgettable.

Jean Arthur in pajamas...mmmmm.

Look at how young Lloyd Bridges is!

THE BEAST IN HEAT (1977)

Any fan of Nazisplotation films knows that ILSA, SHE WOLf OF THE SS is greatest film in the genre, by far. But yet this fucking turd film has the balls to boast on the box “makes ILSA THE SHE WOLF look like DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN!”. That is complete walrus shit and somebody needs their erect penis slammed in a car door for even saying some shit like that! Yea I know it's just a marketing gimmick, but still it aggravates me to think a film as low and unworthy as this thinks it can even be compared to ILSA.

Made for what looks to be just a few thousand bucks with a cast of retards the only thing THE BEAST IN HEAT has going for it is that artwork on the old VHS box. Honestly I don't even feel like going on with this review, just trust me this film barely even qualifies as a actual movie. It's just a bunch of stock footage and horrible actors in horrible costumes walking around on horrible sets. If that's the kind of shit you want to waste your time watching then go for it, but don't say i didn't warn you. Oh yea, ELSA FRAULEIN SS is equally as shitty, if not worse.

This promising cover has fooled many viewers.

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)

Note to self: if I'm ever trapped in a house covered by millions of tarantulas and I hear a strange sound coming from an overhead air vent DO NOT stand directly beneath the vent and open it.

Local vet William Shatner is dumbfounded when he finds his small sleepy desert town under attack by a tidal wave of icky spiders. The invasion starts out slow enough but instead of doing anything productive ol' Shat prefers to mack on all the females and drink a little cold beer. The reality of the eight legged onslaught comes soon enough but by that time it's too late and everybody just runs around screaming a lot.

As far as Animals Gone Bad movies go I'd give this one 2 1/2 Giant Lepus out of 5. Shatner is not as Shatner as I was hoping, so that was kinda a bummer. The spiders themselves are impressive in their numbers, but they never really do anything. They just walk around really slow. The biggest disappointment though is the huge amount of time wasted with the slow build up, then right when things look like they're going to liven up the movie ends! What the fuck?! That's goddamn horseshit!

Overall it's a fun watch and there's a few good laughs out loud moments, but it leaves a lot to be desired. The Goodtimes DVD has an acceptable picture, but it's in Full Screen (boo!) and there are zero fucking extras (double-fuckin'-boo!!). Rent, don't buy.

Update: Thre's now a special edition out, I haven't seen it, but it looks to be much better than the old fullscreen DVD...

HATCHETMAN (2003)

Bad acting, plot holes, unattractive strippers, a non-threatening killer, low body count, cheap production values, horrible music and an uninspired script filled with annoying characters. If I knew karate I would’ve roundhoused this DVD straight into the trash can then shit on it.

The DVD case promises strippers getting offed by some wacko with a hatchet and yea that happens but it's duller than watching snot dry. The bulk of the movie is wasted on the goings on of the apartment complex where everybody lives and the relationship between the detective investigating the case and his girlfriend (who happens to be the main stripper girl). She's trying to get into law school and the boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to her, blah, blah, blah. Who cares?! Get back to the lame kill scenes.

As far as serial killers go Hatchetman is pretty low on the list. He’d probably beat up that pussy from AX’EM and that squeezeball sqeezin’, fannypack wearing dork from VISITING HOURS, but real killers like Leatherface and Jason would put a foot up this guy’s ass. Hell BB the robot from DEADLY FRIEND could kill this guy with a basketball.

In conclusion, this movie is shitty, but not completely horrible…meaning it didn’t cause me physical pain to watch like say MR. JINGLES. It’s more on par with shit like CHEERLEADER MASSACRE. Skip it.

MANHATTAN MELODRAMA (1934)

I was a little disappointed in this film. It was alright, but with so much talent in front of the screen (Myrna Loy, Clark Gable, William Powell and Nat Pendleton – who I think was the best part of the whole movie), not to mention behind the camera: W.S. Van Dyke, Joseph L. Mankiewicz and George Cukor I was really expecting more.

The story is your basic Cain and Abel hokum with two orphans growing up as brothers. One goes the straight and narrow to become a prominent political figure and the other the local kingpin of illegal gambling. Throw in the fact that they are both in love with the same woman and you got…well, nothing really. You would expect for there to be fireworks, but the script plays it safe from beginning to end and there’s never any tension or surprise moments.

I love William Powell, but I thought he was kinda weak here. Maybe it was just that the lame script gave him nothing to work with, but whatever the problem was I think Spencer Tracy would have done a much better job in the role of the honest lawyer. Another thing that really bothered me was why didn’t the three main stars ever appear onscreen together at the same time? That's kinda odd.

Oh well, the film is ok, Clark Gable puts in a great performance as does Nat Pendelton who gets a surprising amount of screen time, but other than that this film is just average. A definite watch for classic film lovers, but others would be better off watching ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES since it’s pretty much the same exact story.