Tuesday, October 20, 2009

THE THAW (2009)

THE THAW isn't a bad film or a good film it's just a nothing film. The story is lifted straight from the 1982 version of THE THING. All they did was remove the snow, the tension, the cool FX, the creepy monsters, the interesting alien storyline and Kurt Russell then replaced it with a bloated Val Kilmer, 90's cable level CGI effects, less snow, lame insect "monsters" and a heavy-handed global warming due to human pollution theme.

Some scientists way up North somewhere find a woolly mammoth (thanks to the global warming) and start studying it. That's all fine and dandy, but the bad news is it's full of centipede/cockroach looking parasites that like to dig their way into you then start laying eggs all up in yo shit. That actually sounds cool, but in reality the whole thing is bland as fuck. So bland in fact I couldn't even find any good screenshots to take.

If you're really, really fucking bored then check it out, but with little violence, a lame political message, no tits and a lame monster there's very little reason to waste your time with this loser.

Trailer (which makes the movie actually look good):

Monday, October 19, 2009

INFESTATION (2009)

I have a theory that if I watch every single horror movie ever made that I'll occasionally find a good one that somehow slipped through the cracks. Ninety-nine percent of the time this theory comes back to bite me in the penis, but that one good percent makes it all worthwhile.

INFESTATION is more of a comedy/horror than a straight horror movie, but that's cool cause the main dude, Cooper, is actually pretty funny. It starts out with him at his telemarketer job slacking off and getting fired. Right then a loud noise knocks everybody out and when he wakes (yea, it's a lot like the first chapter of Wyndham's "The Day of the Triffids") everybody is cocooned. Cooper claws out of his webbing, fights some giant beetles and saves a few other people including the ultrahot Brooke Nevin (goddamn it! Why can't I get attacked by giant bugs and wake up next to a hot chick?!). They do the standard post-apocalyptic stuff, but what makes this movie stand out from the dozens of other insect/animals/alien attack movies is that INFESTATION is actually good! Fresh writing, imaginative action scenes, believable characters that are fun to watch. A lot of movies in the comedy/horror genre fucking suck (SLITHER, SHAWN OF THE DEAD, BLACK SHEEP, FIDO) because the writing is forced and lame, but I thought INFESTATION was very well made and earns the right to live in the shadow of the genre classics like TREMORS, GREMLINS, DEAD ALIVE and THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. I said live in the shadow, not alongside! It's a good movie, but let's not go crazy.

If you liked EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS for what it was, then you'll enjoy INFESTATION.
Damn.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

XANADU (1980)

No, that's not frog puss in your tea, this movie is completely fucked - and that's what makes it so awesome! Even if I didn't have a weakness for 70's disco/bizarro musicals then I would still say that if you don't like XANADU then there's something wrong with you. This movie is so fucking nuts and happy and wacky that you can't help but smile the entire time! I saw it for the first time years ago with a friend we freaked the fuck out and laughed for fucking days...same thing happened when we watch THE APPLE and THE PIRATE MOVIE.

Anyway the story, like it even matters, is about this artist who rips up his crappy drawing and throws it out the window in a humanitarian effort to spare the world from seeing his middle school level drawings. The pieces flutter around town until they land in front of a wall size mural on the side of a building. The women painted on the wall-size mural come alive and start dancing and exploding and roller skating! I'm not lying! So, later that day, the artist dude is walking in the park when rollerskating Olivia Newton-John and her hot ass bumps into him and starts kissing the nerd then just explodes away in a flash of light. Why can't something like that ever happen to me?!

So now this artist guy is horny as fook and his balls are killing him so he steals a motorcycle and drives off a goddamn pier! WTF? Soon after music numbers start popping up all over the place and you're having so much fun you couldn't give a f less that the story makes no fucking sense.

I really can't recommend this movie enough. It'll crack the foundations of your mind, but in a good way.
I'd nail the shit out of that.

Satan?

Yea, that would fucking happen.


Monday, October 12, 2009

VOICES (2007)

I wish there had been a voice telling me not to watch this movie.  But I did and all it is is you average style over substance Asian horror movie filled with: dark creepy stuff you can't really see, overly confusing plot that makes little sense, zero nudity, zero gore, lame flashbacks, a little bit of blood splattered about, zero nudity, zero authentic scares (just a bunch of loud jump scenes), a main girl that never really does anything to save herself and lots and lots of talking.

The story, I think, is about a vengeful spirit killing people and trying to get people to kill the main girl...I think, I could be completely wrong.  I don't really know and I don't even care.  All I know is there was a girl that everybody kept trying to kill her, but I never figured out why for sure.  Or maybe it was just her imagination.  Skip it and never look back.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

TERROR EYES (1989)

That cover is fucking awesome!!!

How the heck, I mean, fuck could you resist something like that?! Saturday afternoon I was walking through the video store, minding my own business, when I saw that cover and instantly filled my pants to overflowing with jizz and human shit. It was love at first sight and I had to have it. I bought it, rushed home to watch it and you know what? It was better than OK. And that's saying something cause I really expected it to be so goddamn horrible that I couldn't even watch the entire thing, but I watched it all and even enjoyed it for the story and of course I got some really good laughs out of it.

Right from the beginning you know you're in for a treat cause it starts doing fucked up mind tricks and the actors were really excited, especially Daniel (RIVER'S EDGE, FINAL DESTINATION) Roebuck who is completely balls out the whole movie. I don't know if he was on coke or just knew he was in a movie that nobody would ever see so he decided "Fuck it. I'm going over the top with every goddamn line!", but it works and I really enjoyed his crazy screaming antics. Another thing that makes this movie such a delight was it's without a doubt pure 80's cheese. The set decorations and the clothes were hypnotically bad, but in a good way.

The story is about this broad who's hired (by Satan no less!) to write a movie script for a horror movie so she goes camping with her friends and they all tell crazy stories including one that reminded me a lot of SAW and another of GROUNDHOG DAY. I'm not kidding! I'm not going to get into all of the stories, but there's a whole lot going on in this movie and I, for one, really enjoyed it. It's definitely worth the few bucks I paid for it. Even though there's not any nudity or even much violence I cannot even imagine how fun this movie would be late at night in a theater full of drunks and dopesmokers! It would be insanity!
Scan from an interview with Daniel Roebuck in "Psychotronic" #27.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

CARVER (2008)

Don't watch this film alone!!! Not because it scary, but because it's really one of the funniest films I've seen recently. No bullshit, I watched this with some friends and we laughed harder at CARVER than we did for STEPBROTHERS, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, THE HANGOVER or anything Jim Carrey's done since 1994. Now don't get me wrong, this movie is a low budget fucking turd and I can only imagine watching it alone would make you want to stick the biggest remote control you have up your own ass, but get some beer, some food and watch CARVER with some like-minded friends and you've the recipe for a good fuckin' time. Ohh, yea.

Don't even worry about the story, it's just your standard "fucking idiot morons go out in the woods then get chased around and massacred by some retarded doucher" story. Only difference is this time the retarded doucher is wearing a fucking Red Baron hat. Check it out!
"Godamn it, Bobby Shaw!"

Scariest scene of the movie.

God is everywhere.