JUNIOR (1985)

I saw this in the Horror Section at my local video store and with the chainsaw cover plus the reference to Freddy and Leatherface I can see why they put it there, but once I started watching it I quickly figured out this is not horror at all. It's more like a live action hillbilly version of a Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon. I'm serious!

The opening scene shows two 80's chicks with massive 80's hair and misshapen 80's bodies being released from prison. For hookerin', I guess. Two seconds after they walk out the gates this pimp dude in a huge car tries to run them over on the sidewalk. He jumps out of the car slaps and punches the women around then pours a bag of coke on the hood of the car and starts slamming one of the  chick's face into the coke!!! That's fucking awesome and easily the highlight of the movie, but unfortunately we still have 80 minutes left. So the chick stabs the pimp in the nose and then they steal his car and the pile of money he just happened to be in the car.

They end up in some small town and after the Sheriff threatens them John Rambo-style they decide to buy a half dilapidated building on a lake and make a sandwich stand out of it! That makes zero sense cause this building appears to be in the middle of nowhere and to make matters worse all of the locals are a bunch of inbred rapists.

So for the next 60+ minutes it's just one attempted rape or assault scene after the next. After awhile it becomes humorous, cause these two chicks just keep going on about their business of fixing up the building even though they are constantly being attacked. It's retarded.

Overall it's a terrible movie, but at the same time I laughed quite a bit, so it wasn't a total loss. If you do decide to watch this turd then you should at least have a drinking game...every time there's shot of one of the chick's asses or they get attacked then take a swig. You'll be fucked up quick!

THE LADY EVE (1941)

With so many great films under his belt (THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK, UNFAITHFULLY YOURS, THE PALM BEACH STORY, HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO, SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS) it's hard to pick my favorite Preston Sturges film, but if I had to narrow it down to one I would choose THE LADY EVE. It's not as screwball as MORGAN'S CREEK or CONQUERING HERO, but there's plenty of great laugh out loud moments. The thing that pushes it above his other films is the intelligence of the script and the impressive performances by the leads, especially Barbara Stanwyck. I haven't seen all of her films...yet, but of the dozens that I have seen I think this is her best. Not only does she play two different characters, but one of them is not exactly what she seems, so that adds an entire new level to her performance.

In the opening scenes she plays a card shark who's out to ripoff the innocent and naive Henry Fonda, but even though it's not spoken you can tell just by looking at her eyes that she's quickly falling in love with him. Or is that part of her act? I used to think that, but the line she says at 11:38 indicates that she's thinking about him when he's old, so I believe that shows that she's already fallen in love with him.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I don't want to give any more of the plot away than I already have, but just take my word for it: if you like classic cinema, especially screwball romances, then you're gonna love this movie! I give it my highest recommendation.

Eugene Pallette

William Demarest

Charles Coburn

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971)

I saw this sitting on the shelf at the video store and rented it without even reading the description on the back, I wanted it to be a surprised cause with a cover like that anything could fucking happen! (Please, please, please be eyeball shaped aliens who come to Earth to rape hot blonds at a nudist colony! Please Satan let it be true!!!) And surprised I was cause this is a fucking serial killer movie! The story opens with some dork breaking into a woman's bedroom late at night. The broad wakes up and understandably freaks the fuck out! The dude tries to calm her down, so she rewards him with a spoon to the eyeball!!!

Skip forward a few years and ol' boy has an eye patch and in the light of day looks surprisingly like Hannibal Lecter. He owns a small art store, but seems to spend most of his time stalking and killing women in broad daylight. You'd think somebody would notice this creepy looking fucker chasing chicks around while screaming stuff about how he's gonna rip out their eyes, but I guess not.

For a zero budget serial killer movie from 1971 THE HEADLESS EYES is actually not too bad, much better than a lot of the more recent serial killer movies I seen lately. I doubt this will ever make it to DVD, but if it does then it should at least deserve a rent.

Opening scene:

THE VIDEO DEAD (1987)

I first heard about THE VIDEO DEAD on this I-Mockery page years ago and I finally just now got around to watching it. Was it worth going out of my way to watch it? Probably not. There were a few solid laughs (the washing machine zombie was the funniest part), but other than that it was pretty boring.

Made for what looks like maybe a few thousand bucks THE VIDEO DEAD is the story about some fucked up TV set that allows zombies to enter into the real world. The evil television is accidentally delivered to a random guy, so the zombies kill him offscreen. Two teenagers move into the house, but the zombies are still around, I guess just hanging out in the backyard or something. Anyway, the zombies kill a dog and then start killing random people. Instead of calling the cops or somebody with a gun or better yet just getting the fuck out of their the teenage boy goes looking for the zombies in the wooded area out back...he finds them. Then some stuff happens back at the house to the sister. It's all very slow and the special effects and makeup are high school level.

I'm really now sure why this has such a cult following. I watched this with a few friends and other than a few scattered laughs it wasn't a hit. If you're curious about it then check it out, it's not a horrible film just slow. Personally I recommend that you just watch NIGHT OF THE CREEPS again instead.

World's oldest teenager.

The runner up.

MY DEMON LOVER (1987)

Based on the smiling guy on the cover and all the over the top bizarre shit that goes on in the movie, I'm guessing this is a comedy, but you you'd never be able to tell that based on laughs. I can only imagine that when this stink bomb was unleashed in theaters that the few unfortunate fucks that actually saw it could hear a cricket farting over by the fire exit door. I watched the whole fucking thing and it was torture to get through.

The story is about this geek broad who is so desperate for love that she's willing to bang anything that moves. One day she's sitting at a sidewalk cafe when this homeless bum comes crawling out of a giant pile of trash, stumbles over to her, fucking pukes on her (!!!) then starts insulting her! It's not quite love at first site, but within 48 hours he's spending the night on her couch and she's fixing him breakfast in bed. That's the best the writer could come up with? That's goddamn giraffeshit!

As if this relationship didn't have enough problems the fucking homeless dude has been cursed and now whenever he gets horny he turns into a demon! Now when I thing of the phrase "my demon lover" I think of this:


not this:

but since this is a comedy we get the latter. And to make matters worse there's a serial killer wearing a mask (or is it a demon?) going around killing women by ripping their faces off...I told you this was a laugh riot, didn't I? The town is gripped in fear and this chick is worried that her demon boyfriend might be the killer. Hardy-har-har! So funny.

This is not the worst 80's comedy I've ever seen (that honor would probably go to NIGHT PATROL), but it's pretty fucking horrible and it's easy to see why Scott Valentine's career went nowhere after "Family Ties". I really can't think of any reason to watch this ever.

PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1987)

So Eric's just minding his own business, chillin' at the house, bangin' his hot girlfriend's hot pussy when out of nowhere an evil real estate developer burns down his house on top of him! What an butthole!!! But...Eric lives!

A normal person would go to the hospital, maybe get some reconstructive surgery and then sue the living shit out of the developer and live the rest of your life like a king with some facial scaring...but no, not Eric he says "Fuck that shit!!!" he just disappears for a year or so (where?!) while they build the mall, then he sets up shop in the bowels of the mall, lifts a lot of weights, learns kung-fu and become really proficient with a crossbow, security cameras and snake training. Lucky for him his ex-girlfriend gets a job at the mall so he stalks her nonstop while at the same time killing the shit out of all the people on his ever growing Shit List.

I love 80's horrorcheese, so it's pretty much a given that I'm going to give this movie a positive review, but even without my 80's weakness, Eric's kills are pretty imaginative and fun to watch: face into fan, cobra bite to the dick, hydraulic door to head, forklift ramming into electrical box and so forth. Zero gore, badly shot of the main girl's hot tits, awesome 80's fashions, great mall scenes, pretty good pace, non-threatening killer, Ken Foree and I'm also positive this is the same mall from CHOPPING MALL. If you like horror movies and don't take it too serious then I think you'll have a good time.

THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)

1914. Katharine Hepburn and her brother are missionaries in Africa. They've been there for 10 years, living a peaceful existence with the natives (brainwashing them in exchange for food and shelter) when suddenly German soldiers come marching in, round up all of the villagers and burn everything to the ground! It seems that a huge War has started and they didn't even know anything about it. Katharine's brother is beaten and soon dies from his wounds. A few hours after her brother's death the guy (a scraggly Humphrey Bogart) who delivers supplies and the mail shows up on his ragged little boat. Naturally he takes Katharine with him and she, being furious with the German, takes over Bogart's life and insists that they travel many miles down the river through rapids and wild animals and solders and countless other dangers in order to make his boat into floating bomb and crash it into a giant German ship that's protecting the river opening!!!! Holy fuck! That's some crazy shit, but Bogart has a severe case of blue balls so he agrees.

The story is interesting, but the main attraction here's the two leads. Bogart and Hepburn are great and both turn in some of the very best performances of their careers and that's really saying something! Especially Bogart, Katharine is wonderful, but some of Bogart's facial expressions are just perfect. He captures this role to the point that I cannot even think of somebody else doing it. Thinking of somebody else in this role is like thinking of Indiana Jones played by Bud Kort.

My one small complaint is the ending was too abrupt. There was a lot of action and BAM!!! it's over, get the fuck out of the theater. That happens a lot with older films, but still I wish there bad been just something small at the end to kinda give you an indication of what might happen next. If you like classic cinema then I say check it out!

NEKROMANTIK (1987)

NEKROMANTIK is a justifiably infamous film and even though it's over 20 years old it's still pretty fucking jaw-dropping. Current day first time viewers though, jaded from all the fucked up shit on the internets, will not only be disappointed in the lack of brutality and the cheapness of the special effects, but also that a large portion of it is pretty goddamn art house. Art house or not I actually liked the film and honestly think that it deserves at least a footnote in The History of Cinema.

Our hero, Rob, is a pathetic loser wimp who has a job cleaning up accidents and crime scenes. As often as he can he pockets small odds and ends and takes them home to his fucked up apartment. His pretty (but unshaven) girlfriend is a freaky bitch. She doesn't seem to really like Rob, but instead uses him to feed her sick desires of bathing in blood and rubbing on random body parts. One day Rob makes a huge score and brings home and entire dead body. The two of them, happy as a pig in shit, start making out and fucking the putrefied corpse. On the putrefaction chart I'd give this dude about 2 1/2 weeks.

Things take a turn for the worse at his job and he's fired. Now that her supply has dried up his girlfriend shows her true colors and runs off with the corpse! Dumped for a dried up corpse, that's gotta hurt. Rob's pretty fucked up over the whole thing so he kills a cat, bathes in it's entrails, watches a shitty slasher movie then kills a few people and fucks a corpse before he opps for the grand exit and stabs himself while popping a boner and shooting a geyser of jizz and blood all over the joint.

Good movie and one of the highlights of 80's fucked up cinema. Check it out! Also you might recognize some of the audio since it was used in the NIN song "Reptile".

Hey, let's go toss a decapitated head around!