Monday, November 30, 2009

JUNIOR (1985)

I saw this in the Horror Section at my local video store and with the chainsaw cover plus the reference to Freddy and Leatherface I can see why they put it there, but once I started watching it I quickly figured out this is not horror at all. It's more like a live action hillbilly version of a Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon. I'm serious!

The opening scene shows two 80's chicks with massive 80's hair and misshapen 80's bodies being released from prison. For hookerin', I guess. Two seconds after they walk out the gates this pimp dude in a huge car tries to run them over on the sidewalk. He jumps out of the car slaps and punches the women around then pours a bag of coke on the hood of the car and starts slamming one of the  chick's face into the coke!!! That's fucking awesome and easily the highlight of the movie, but unfortunately we still have 80 minutes left. So the chick stabs the pimp in the nose and then they steal his car and the pile of money he just happened to be in the car.

They end up in some small town and after the Sheriff threatens them John Rambo-style they decide to buy a half dilapidated building on a lake and make a sandwich stand out of it! That makes zero sense cause this building appears to be in the middle of nowhere and to make matters worse all of the locals are a bunch of inbred rapists.

So for the next 60+ minutes it's just one attempted rape or assault scene after the next. After awhile it becomes humorous, cause these two chicks just keep going on about their business of fixing up the building even though they are constantly being attacked. It's retarded.

Overall it's a terrible movie, but at the same time I laughed quite a bit, so it wasn't a total loss. If you do decide to watch this turd then you should at least have a drinking game...every time there's shot of one of the chick's asses or they get attacked then take a swig. You'll be fucked up quick!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

THE LADY EVE (1941)

With so many great films under his belt it's hard to pick my favorite Preston Sturges film, but if I had to narrow it down to one I would choose THE LADY EVE. It's not as screwball as THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK or HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO, that's not to say there isn't plenty of laughs, but he thing that pushes it above his other films is the intelligence of the script and the impressive performances by the leads, especially Barbara Stanwyck.  She's great!  Not only does she play two completely different characters, but one of them is living a lie, so that adds an entire new level to her performance.

In the opening scenes she plays a card shark who's out to ripoff the innocent and naive Henry Fonda, but even though it's not spoken you can tell just by looking at her eyes that she's quickly falling in love with him. Or is that part of her act? I used to think that, but the line she says at 11:38 indicates that she's thinking about him when he's old, so I believe that shows that she's already fallen in love with him.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I don't want to give any more of the plot away than I already have, but just take my word for it: if you like classic cinema, especially screwball romances, then you're gonna love this movie! I give it my highest recommendation.  Maybe one day when I'm smarter I'll come back and write a real review.

Friday, November 27, 2009

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971)

I saw this sitting on the shelf at the video store and rented it without even reading the description on the back, I wanted it to be a surprised cause with a cover like that anything could fucking happen! (Please, please, please be eyeball shaped aliens who come to Earth to rape hot blonds at a nudist colony! Please Satan let it be true!!!) And surprised I was cause this is a fucking serial killer movie! The story opens with some dork breaking into a woman's bedroom late at night. The broad wakes up and understandably freaks the fuck out! The dude tries to calm her down, so she rewards him with a spoon to the eyeball!!!

Skip forward a few years and ol' boy has an eye patch and in the light of day looks surprisingly like Hannibal Lecter. He owns a small art store, but seems to spend most of his time stalking and killing women in broad daylight. You'd think somebody would notice this creepy looking fucker chasing chicks around while screaming stuff about how he's gonna rip out their eyes, but I guess not.

For a zero budget serial killer movie from 1971 THE HEADLESS EYES is actually not too bad, much better than a lot of the more recent serial killer movies I seen lately. I doubt this will ever make it to DVD, but if it does then it should at least deserve a rent.

Opening scene:

THE VIDEO DEAD (1987)

I first heard about THE VIDEO DEAD on this I-Mockery page a while back and I just now got around to watching it. Was it worth going out of my way to watch it? Probably not. There were a few solid laughs (the washing machine zombie was the funniest part), but other than that it was pretty boring.

Made for what looks like maybe a few thousand bucks THE VIDEO DEAD is the story about some fucked up TV set that allows zombies to enter into the real world. The evil television is accidentally delivered to a random guy, so the zombies kill him off screen. Three months later two teenagers move into the house, but the zombies are still there just hanging out in the woods behind the house.  The zombies kill a dog and then start killing random people. Instead of calling the cops or somebody with a gun or better yet just getting the fuck out of their the teenage boy goes looking for the zombies in the wooded area out back...he finds them. Then some stuff happens back at the house to the sister. It's all very slow, the special effects and makeup are high school level, the acting is just people stiffly reciting lines, zero nudity, zero scares, slow pace.

I'm really now sure why this has such a cult following. I watched this with a few friends and other than a few scattered laughs it wasn't a hit. If you're curious about it then check it out, it's not a horrible film just slow. Personally I recommend that you just watch NIGHT OF THE CREEPS again instead.
World's oldest teenager.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1987)

So Eric's just minding his own business, chillin' at the house, bangin' his hot girlfriend's hot pussy when out of nowhere an evil real estate developer burns down his house on top of him! What an butthole!!! But...Eric lives!

A normal person would go to the hospital, maybe get some reconstructive surgery and then sue the shit out of the developer and live the rest of your life like a king...but no, not Eric he says "Fuck dat shit!!!" He just disappears for a year or so (where?!) while they build the mall, then he sets up shop in the bowels of the mall, lifts a lot of weights, learns kung-fu and become really proficient with a crossbow, security cameras and snake training. Lucky for him his ex-girlfriend gets a job at the mall so he stalks her nonstop while at the same time killing the shit out of all the people on his ever growing Shit List.

I love 80's horrorcheese, so it's pretty much a given that I'm going to give this movie a positive review, but even without my 80's weakness, Eric's kills are pretty imaginative and fun to watch: face into fan, cobra bite to the dick, hydraulic door to head, forklift ramming into electrical box and so forth. Zero gore, badly shot of the main girl's hot tits, awesome 80's fashions, great mall scenes, pretty good pace, Cort from JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI, a non-threatening killer, Ken Foree and I'm also positive this is the same mall from CHOPPING MALL. If you like horror movies and don't take it too serious then I think you'll have a good time.