Monday, June 28, 2010

CREMASTER 3 (2002)

Before I even get started I just want to say that I am reviewing the 31 minute version, NOT the 182 minute version. If anybody has a good copy of the longer version then please send me a copy and I'll update the review, but as of now this is all I got. =(

You got to hand it to Matthew Barney, I don't know shit about the guy and wouldn't recognize him if he walked up and shit a rainbow on my head, but he's got to have balls of steel this guy. How else can he keep making these movies?! Somebody's paying for this shit! I mean, he comes up with these silly ideas and somehow they actually get made and it looks professional! The makeup looks nice, the camerawork is pretty good, there's a lot of actors and dancers and the sets are especially impressive. It boggles the mind. I must be a fool. Stupid schmucks like me actually have jobs, while this dude is getting paid(?) to make goofy, pointless films about some dude climbing around inside the Guggenheim Museum(!!!!!) while chorus line dancers prance around, Agnostic Front and Murphy's Law rock out, an old guy melts wax, half-naked chicks take a bubble bath and some bizarre, but sexy amputee woman turns into a cheetah creature. The End. Ha-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Goddamn, I hate my life. Matthew Barney, I'm jealous, I wish I could make a living just barfing up random images.

Strangely enough, I actually liked this film. It was definitely better than the last two installments. If anybody has copies of 4 & 5 please write me. Thanks.

Part 1
Part 2

"It's elementary my dear Watson, upon careful examination I, Gay Sherlock Holmes, have come to the conclusion that this is Wookalar semen."