Wednesday, September 22, 2010

ELVES (1989)

Three thirty-year-old teenagers are hanging out in the woods when one cuts herself. Some blood drips on the ground and somehow this makes an evil, Nazi elf rise up out of the ground. o_O

Before long, the local department store Santa is stabbed in the crotch...to death (!) by the Nazi elf, so a penniless, chain smoking Dan Haggerty takes the job but soon regrets his decision when he accidentally gets caught up with the girl who the elf is chasing.

Why is the Nazi elf chasing the girl? Well that's because cause she's still virgin and her grandfather is also her father(!) and if the elf rapes the girl at midnight on Christmas Eve their child will be the Antichrist! Wow. That's, that's...awesome!!!

None of this matters because all you're going to care about is how awful the lone elf looks and how terrible the acting is. I was laughing almost nonstop. And I fucking lost it when the main girl discovers her little brother spying on her getting dressed, she scolds him: "I'm your fucking sister!" and he quickly responds "Yeah, you've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them!". That scene alone makes ELVES worth watching, but you also get to see teenagers having an overnight party at a department store; Grizzly Adams jumping out of a moving car; a chick in lingerie getting shot in the head; hear about how Noah's Ark had elves; hear about how "girls" are the "master race"; see Grizzly Adams smoke non-stop...even while brushing his teeth(!!!); experience the acid trip that happens when you kill an elf and much, much more! Recommended for lovers of shitty movies.
Is that really her hand?!

Brushing your teeth while smoking. That's a real man.

"Yeah, you've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them!"