KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978)

Where to even start with this one? Well, the picture on the DVD I watched looked like deep fried monkey shit, but even if this sucker was on the world's greatest Blu-Ray it wouldn't have helped. First off it was made for TV and produced by Hanna-Barbera. WTF? I thought Kiss was suppose to be all about fucking and drugs and vomit eating and worshiping Satan or something. Hell, I don't know, I don't listen to Kiss, but I thought they were suppose to be evil. The Gene Simmons character is called The Demon for Satan's sake!

Anyway, so there's an evil scientist living under an amusement park and he likes to turn humans into zombies. Kiss shows up to play some concerts, but somehow get mixed up with fighting the scientist. It's stupid. The story is below Scooby-Doo standards and it's 96 minutes long! Fucking torture.

Maybe good for a laugh just cause it's campy as fuck and Gene Simmons walks around the entire movie like he's trying to clinch in a huge turd, but I can't recommend this for any reason. Avoid at all costs.

Brion James!!!

RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11 (1954)

Before I stumbled across this VHS tape at the local video store I'd never even heard of this movie and that's a real shame cause it's pretty good film and deserves to be on DVD.

Neville Brand is a prisoner in a large state prison and he's had enough of the overcrowding and the bad food and the abusive guards so he leads a riot and ends up capturing nine guards. He and his fellow convicts threaten to kill the guards unless some of their demands are met. Lots of tense situations and violence follows.

For 1954 this movie was pretty hard-hitting and violent and even had one direct reference to male-on-male prison rape! Director Don Siegel also helmed one of my personal favorite noir's PRIVATE HELL 36 and later went on to make ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ and DIRTY HARRY. If you can find a copy check it out!

Oh yea, it bugged me while I was watching it, but one of the rioting prisoners (Gator) was played by a young Alvy Moore. You'll remember him from THE BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN, 74 episodes of "Green Acres" and ton of other stuff.

RAD (1986)

This is a great 80's movie! Not as great as THE KARATE KID, but still a lot of fun.

Cru is just your average a small town kid, except that he's really fucking good on a BMX bike. A local businessman organizes the "Super Bowl" of BMX racing featuring the world's greatest racers. There's one spot reserved for a local racer so Cru has to kick ass in a series of qualifying races to earn a chance to race Helltrack against the professionals. But that's not all. There's some love shit going on between Cru a this really hot bicycle chick. And a side story about crooked businessmen, but that's unimportant. All we care about is the racing and hot chick and how 80's everything was back in 1986!

I have no fucking idea why this movie isn't on DVD (probably something to do with the soundtrack), but if you can find a copy then I say check it out. It's a little slow at parts, but it's worth watching at least once.

Why is that little girl grabbing the hot chick's tit?!

Why is that dude grabbing his own ass?!

SOCIETY (1989)

Call me a perv if you want, but I think it'd be cool to have a hot girlfriend who could mutate and twist and change her body all around in horrible ways. I mean you could be hittin it doggystyle then she could move her tits to her back and her head down by her pussy so she could lick your balls while you're sawing at it. That'd be fucking great! All the way up to the part where she fists me through the asshole, out the mouth and then eats my eyeballs...well, maybe it wouldn't be that cool after all. Nevermind.

Bill Whitney is having a little trouble. From the outside he looks like he has it all: a rich family in Beverly Hills, high school basketball hero, nice looking girlfriend and a hot as shit girlfriend on the side. But there's something not quite right. Bill sees glimpses of things that's kinda freaky (like his sister in the shower with her tits on her back), but it can't be real, right? Then the people that Bill confides in start dying mysteriously in car accidents. Is there really something sinister going or he just fucking nuts?! It's all kinda like a mixture of JACOB'S LADDER (made a year later), THE STEPFORD WIVES, SECONDS, ROSEMARY'S BABY and some freaky H. P. Lovecraft shit.

For a low budget movie made in 1989 I dug it. The action was a little slow and not really as weird as I had hoped, but I was still entertained the entire time. So that's good. I bet seeing this in the theater back in 1989 was a fucking trip! Can you image some teen kid taking his date to see this expecting something lightweight like THE LOST BOYS and then the male anal fisting starts! Hahaha! If she stayed through that then he had a winner.

My biggest complaint is it never takes itself seriously enough. Even in the climax it was still cracking random jokes. I didn't like that. The story could have easily been scary and disturbing as shit, so why ruin it with a bunch of silly humor that's not even funny? I'm not really sure what the filmmakers were even going for, but it's at least worth a rent.

That denim dress is fucking hot! LOL.

Boom mic shadow visible.

COOL AS ICE (1991)

I think the most surprising thing about COOL AS ICE is it really wasn't that bad. It's kinda bland actually. I was really hoping that it was going to be ludicrously silly with Vanilla haunting people's dreams like Freddy Krueger or maybe being a cat burglar who sneaks into office buildings and then breakdances in front of the safe until the door explodes and the money pours out Scrooge McDuck-style, but no such luck. Instead, one day Vanilla and his homies are driving down the highway when his homeboy's bike starts tripping and needs to be repaired. While in this small, podunk town Vanilla starts romancing a local girl by causing her to fall off a horse and then later that night wearing sunglasses indoors and swinging his groin in her general direction. And it works! Whenever I try deploy the "swinging the junk" method the police always get involved. The next day they go to a romantic construction site and talk about life. Later they gently bone in a field.

Other stuff happens like Vanilla is attacked by water sprinklers and later he drives his bike through the wall of a house like he's the fucking Kool-Aid Man, but the strangest thing is the entire movie is serious! =) It's fucking retarded! He's wearing spray-painted pants and saying shit like "You're not wasting my time, I'm just cooling." and "You know, that chick who drives the horse." while wearing a jacket that says "Sex me up" and we're suppose to take it serious?! Hahahahaha! Fucking classic.

If you have a sense of humor and have a few like-minded, drunk friends looking for a fun movie night then try to slip in COOL AS ICE between SLEEPAWAY CAMP and PHANTOM OF THE MALL. I think you'll enjoy it.Best scene of the movie:

Fake trailer:

Opening credits: