Monday, March 29, 2010

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978)

Where to even start with this one? Well, the picture on the DVD I watched looked like deep fried monkey shit, but even if this sucker was on the world's greatest Blu-Ray it wouldn't have helped. First off it was made for TV and produced by Hanna-Barbera. WTF? I thought Kiss was suppose to be all about fucking and drugs and vomit eating and worshiping Satan or something. Hell, I don't know, I don't listen to Kiss, but I thought they were suppose to be evil. The Gene Simmons character is called The Demon for Satan's sake!

Anyway, so there's an evil scientist living under an amusement park and he likes to turn humans into zombies. Kiss shows up to play some concerts, but somehow get mixed up with fighting the scientist. It's stupid. The story is below Scooby-Doo standards and it's 96 minutes long! Complete torture.

Maybe it's good for a laugh just because of the cheese factor and Gene Simmons walks around the entire movie like he's trying to clinch in a huge turd, but I can't recommend this for any reason. Avoid at all costs.

RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11 (1954)

Just a year after STALAG 17 Neville Brand finds himself back in prison. This time he's in a large state prison and he's had enough of the overcrowding, bad food and the abusive guards so he leads a riot and ends up capturing nine guards. He and his fellow convicts threaten to kill the guards unless some of their demands are met. Lots of tense situations and violence follows.

For 1954 this movie was pretty hard-hitting and violent and even had one direct reference to male-on-male prison rape! Director Don Siegel also helmed one of my personal great PRIVATE HELL 36 and later went on to make ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ and DIRTY HARRY.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

THREADS (1984)

Well if you're looking to get completely bummed out then look no further than THREADS. Made for British television back in 1984, the first 40 minutes or so lulls the viewer in with the everyday life stories of a few people in Sheffield, England. Behind their stories you see news reports and people talking about the growing hostilities between the US and Russia. Before long it's all people can talk about and there's a rush on stores and tensions flare. Known dissidents are rounded up by the police and jets fly constantly overhead. Then it hits and all Hell breaks loose. For a 26 year old television movie I was shocked. Even with a low budget, THREADS rapes the shit out of modern day Hollywood disaster flicks that rely too heavily on CGI and not enough on story or getting actors that can actually act.

Some of the main characters die or disappear during the chaos and the ones that are left are completely f'd. Radiation poison, nuclear winter, no food, sickness, lawlessness, it's Hell on Earth. I'm not going to give it all away, but the story goes on for 13 years after the attack and it's just shit on top of shit the entire way. No happy ending for these poor bastards.

Honestly I can't see how anybody can not like this movie. Yea, it's a bummer, but I was riveted to the screen. It would have been cool if the BBC had made a THREADS television series. That would have been awesome!

Would make a great double-feature with WORLD WAR III. As for me, I'll be in my fallout shelter rereading McCammon's "Swan Song".

Monday, March 15, 2010

SLIMED (2009)

Well, I'm the wrong person to review this turd. I hate Troma movies and this motherfucker is even worse than a Troma movie! I wouldn't be surprised if the filmmakers sent this to Troma and Troma told them it was beneath their standards.

Clocking in at only 58 minutes (was this a student project film?) it felt like it lasted 3 hours. Oh, it was fucking painful. Why do I even do this to myself?! I really have to stop watching/reviewing so many shitty movies and start watching some quality shit. If I keep reviewing shit like this people are going to think I'm some kind of fucking idiot!

There's a forest ranger in his cabin in the woods with some hideous looking chick that turned my stomach. He's having money trouble with the IRS, so when a Bible salesman knocks on the door they go walking in the woods to find a place to build a "nature room" (wtf?). While out there they come across some dude who's covered in green slime. He tells them it came from the door next to the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed (*sigh*), they find the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed so the Bible salesman sings him a song and they are allowed to enter the door. [Spoliers!!!] Once inside they find a large rat puppet who is making a cleaner that is highly toxic. The two morons escape by putting a blanket over their head (I'm not making this shit up!), then they fight some children, run from the slime and in the end get killed by God shooting lasers out of his fricken eyeballs.

It's rare that a movie can make your life worse, but watching this movie actually made me fucking stupider. I'm turning lemons into lemonade though: I'm going to try and watch review better movies from now on out. I know I'll backslide and soon enough be watching shit again, but I have to watch a number of movies Ozu or Bergman or Bunuel or Ed Wood or somebody with talent to wash this vulture vomit taste out of my eyeballs.

I hate being so mean in my reviews and I apologize to the filmmakers, but this mother really hurt my brain so it's my duty (haha...duty) as an unpaid, uneducated blog film critic person to warn my two or three readers to avoid this shit like the plague. Or if you don't believe me feel free order a copy for yourself from their website.

Here's some of the director/writer's short films to show you what I was dealing with. Imagine this stretched out to an hour...