X-CROSS (2005)

Two young women (one attractive, one ehh) go to a hot springs resort village for a relaxing weekend. The first clue that the trip was probably a mistake would be the mutilated, mummified corpses hanging on crosses along the side of the road. Clue #2 would be the fact that all of the villagers limp badly. Clue #3: all the limping villagers immediately try and chop your left leg off!

I'm guessing that X-CROSS was suppose to be a horror-comedy(?). I have no fucking clue, since there's no real horror or comedy instead just two chicks running around in the dark while a third chick shows up to kill the sluttier chick for stealing her ex-boyfriend. What the hell? Anyway, so yea, that's about it. Lots of running around, a shitload of people talking on their cell phones nonstop even while being attacked and probably 10 jokes total, including some real knee-slappers like: the revenge chick having a giant pair of scissors, the slutty chick scaring off bloodthirsty villagers by taking their picture on her cell phone and one chick falling over in a portable toilet and then when she comes out all covered in piss she says "Now I'm pissed."

No tits, no gore, very little blood, very predictable story with no scares at all. Skip this movie. If a movie is trying to be a horror-comedy then it needs to go over the top like RE-ANIMATOR, DEAD ALIVE or EVIL DEAD 2. Don't just have two chicks with zero personality running around in the woods talking on their cell phones and texting while be chased by non-scary cripples!

CREMASTER 3 (2002)

Before I even get started I just want to say that I am reviewing the 31 minute version, NOT the 182 minute version. If anybody has a good copy of the longer version then please send me a copy and I'll update the review, but as of now this is all I got. =(

You got to hand it to Matthew Barney, I don't know shit about the guy and wouldn't recognize him if he walked up and shit a rainbow on my head, but he's got to have balls of steel this guy. How else can he keep making these movies?! Somebody's paying for this shit! I mean, he comes up with these silly ideas and somehow they actually get made and it looks professional! The makeup looks nice, the camerawork is pretty good, there's a lot of actors and dancers and the sets are especially impressive. It boggles the mind. I must be a fool. Stupid schmucks like me actually have jobs, while this dude is getting paid(?) to make goofy, pointless films about some dude climbing around inside the Guggenheim Museum(!!!!!) while chorus line dancers prance around, Agnostic Front and Murphy's Law rock out, an old guy melts wax, half-naked chicks take a bubble bath and some bizarre, but sexy amputee woman turns into a cheetah creature. The End. Ha-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Goddamn, I hate my life. Matthew Barney, I'm jealous, I wish I could make a living just barfing up random images.

Strangely enough, I actually liked this film. It was definitely better than the last two installments. If anybody has copies of 4 & 5 please write me. Thanks.

Part 1
Part 2

"It's elementary my dear Watson, upon careful examination I, Gay Sherlock Holmes, have come to the conclusion that this is Wookalar semen."

INSEMINOID (1981)

This movie sucked. A team of scientists are exploring a distant alien planet when they discover a ancient tomb, they poke around and somehow awaken a creature that kills a dude then rapes an ugly chick. Once back at the lab, the ugly chick goes batshit and starts killing everybody in very boring ways. Yawn.

I don't want to give too much away (just in case your bored enough to watch this turd), but whatever happened to the creature that raped the chick? Also if it's -145 degrees outside why does blood splatter and how come it doesn't even look cold outside? I'm a fucking idiot for even worrying about things like that! For Satan's sake later on when the crazy lady flips over a computer control station it falls apart and you can see the entire thing is just painted wood with nothing inside it. Fuck this movie. Very boring and not even good for a laugh. If you want to see an ALIEN rip off you'd be better off watching CREATURE.

What the inside of a station on an alien planet might look like.

What an alien dick might look like.

SHE'S ON DUTY (2005)

A pig (who looks like she's 30) goes undercover at a high school to get close to a gangster dude's 17-year-old daughter. That's an excellent idea for a movie and there are a few light-hearted laughs early on, but then during the second part of the movie the comedy goes right out the window and the movie turns serious. I didn't like it. The main problem for me is the woman who plays the undercover student looks way too old! Somebody please remake this movie with an intelligent, funny script and a hot chick as the student.

Skip it.

HANGING GARDEN (2005)

This movie is pretty slow, but I think it has something to do with a woman who had a bad childhood so she ends up creating a perfect family where they don't hold any secrets...except of course they do. The dad is skipping work and cheating on his wife nonstop and jacking off in the bathroom to porn magazines, the daughter is skipping school and exploring her sexuality and the son has pretty much shut himself away in his room where he's creating his own private fantasy world on his computer.

I love the idea for the movie and the style is very interesting, but it just beat around the bush way too much and tried too hard to be mysterious without ever giving the viewer a payoff. I can't recommend it. If it had went ahead and pushed the envelope a little like Miike's VISITOR Q or Sono's NORIKO'S DINNER TABLE then things would be different, but as it is HANGING GARDEN never goes anywhere interesting or engaging. Please don't think it's a bad movie, just average and not worth wasting two hours on.

That's the wildest wallpaper ever!

THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY (1954)

Where to even start with this one?! I love it, but only because it's so horrible. I could type 10,000 words and it wouldn't even scratch the surface of how cheesy and sappy this fucking movie is. John Wayne actually manages to get through it all unscathed though, because he was smart enough to not say very much at all. He's pretty much completely silent until the very end when all he talks about is the straightforward facts about the disaster at hand. The other people...I actually cringed at some of their lines and speeches. Ernest K. Gann, who wrote this hokum and the novel it was based on, is either the most horrible writer of all time or the driest practical joker who ever lived! But I'll let you decide for yourself.

In the first scene we learn that John Wayne is the World's Greatest Pilot, that is until he wrecked a plane and killed his wife and kid! Then we're painfully introduced to all of the passengers. You got the old slut, the dorky couple, the super-in-love newlyweds, the drunk scientist and a bunch more. After an eternity they take off from Hawaii to California. 7000 hours of painfully hackneyed, overly sentimental back stories are told about all of the passengers until you just want vomit into a ear plug mold, freeze it and then stick the vomit ear plugs into your ears to deafen this fucking baloney. In other words, it's great! I loved every second of it!

Suddenly one of the engines explodes and punctures a gas tank! Do they have enough fuel to make it to land or are they gonna have to ditch it in the drink?! Can you stand the suspense?!!!!!!

Maybe this was considered serious stuff back in 1954, but it hasn't aged well at all. Let me give you an example: right before the engine conks out, a Sidney Blackmer stands up and confronts another man in front of everybody about banging his wife, he then pulls out a gun and threatens to kill the other dude! One of the passengers (John Qualen from THE SEARCHERS) jumps the armed gentleman and disarms him. A little while later the crazy dude apologizes to Qualen, so he gives the guy's gun back!!!!!!!!! WTF?!

If you like campy films as much as I do then you have to, at least, rent THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY. It's a blast! I'm no film historian but I'm pretty sure that this film, the AIRPORT films and ZERO HOUR! were the main inspirations for AIRPLANE!

I, for one, would not be insulted by that...cause I have no idea what she's saying!

I guess they spelled "missile" differently back in 1954.