Friday, December 30, 2011

RAGE (2010)

A self-absorbed doucher with a hideous beard goes into the city to break up with this chick he's been bangin' because, get this, "he still loves his wife" hahaha...what a loser! Anyway, right before the break up he has a small altercation with a guy on a motorcycle over a parking space. After the meeting, the motorcycle dude follows him and starts harassing him. It starts out simple enough with some staring and red light stalling, but soon enough it escalates into violence...but is it real? Could maybe the mysterious, helmeted stranger actually be his guilty conscience? Or maybe Karma fucking with him? Or maybe an actual psycho? Well, I guess you're gonna have to stick around to find out or maybe just have an I.Q. higher than an half-eaten Fig Newton.

I wanted to like this movie. Director, writer, editor, producer, cinematographer, sound department guy, digital effects guy, actor and nice guy Chris Witherspoon asked me to review RAGE on Happyotter so I was more than happy to oblige since I'm always looking for new films and I'm always willing to support low-budget, independent cinema, but I was not a fan of this movie. It's heart is in the right place, but there's just not enough going on to keep the viewer interested. I had some friends over when I watched RAGE and while their boredom didn't send them into fits of rage, my sofa has some gnarly sleep-drool stains that are gonna be a bitch to get out!

Despite this wonderful, stupid, shitty-looking website you see before you I am not a film expert, but I am more than willing to give advise on how to make a better movie. The biggest problem with RAGE is the script: 1) get rid of all of the flashbacks. They are fucking distracting, heavy-handed and pointless. Example: there was one flashback early on that was about an event that happened less than 3 minutes earlier! 2) the main character is a goddamn pussy. I hated that whiny bastard and wanted him to die. If he had just simply manned up from the beginning then all of his problems would have been solved. 3) there's no standout moments and really there's nothing in the entire script that we haven't seen before, even the bad guy looked like a mixture of the killer(s) from NIGHT SCHOOL and NAIL GUN MASSACRE. 4) streamline the entire story. The pace is too slow and the dialogue was boring. I could go on, but I'm tired and lazy and my cat is pestering me for a belly rub. Meow! Oh, I'm sorry, she just walked across the keyboard.

In conclusion, it's an OK film that means well, but with zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood, an unoriginal story, meow, unsympathetic characters, a nonscary villain, flashback overdose, mediocre acting and a lack of memorable moments I can't recommend it. If you need me I'll be in my room watchingMeow!!! ...I mean, I'll be giving Susie a belly rub.

Purrrrrrr.