COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2002)

As far as Arnold movies go this one is pretty boring. His wife and kid are exploded all to fuck in the opening scene by a terrorist bombing, so after the government proves it can't bring the terrorist responsible for the killing, The Wolf, to justice Arnold gears up and goes to Columbia to kick some ass. Unfortunately for the audience this isn't a sequel to COMMANDO and Arnold doesn't kick much ass at all. The most shocking thing about this movie is how little action there actually is. Yea people shoot guns and stuff blows up, but it's all by-the-numbers and weak. Arnold himself doesn't do a whole lot. He never fires a gun once and for the most part he's just running or falling and only occasionally punching somebody.

Unoriginal story, boring action, a lot of people too stupid to live, zero nudity, only one really good Arnold moment (his grunt while going down the elevator shaft), government agents barking shits like "I want that in 10 minutes!", John Leguizamo rapping while wearing a post-Cliff Burton Metallica shirt. Worth watching one time just to check it out for yourself. As for myself, I'll never watch it again, but I'll probably watch COMMANDO another 50 times before I commit suicide and go up to Heaven to eat dinner at the right hand of Jesus. Roast beef, fresh peas and mashed with gravy. Apple cobbler for dessert. Wrapped in the everlasting...

Duck lips.

THIRST (2009)

A priest allows himself to be a research guinea pig to help find a cure to a dangerous disease that is killing off missionaries. During the treatment he starts vomiting up blood and receives a blood transfusion. He dies, but suddenly he comes back to life and appears to be completely cured. After being released from the hospital he realizes that he's showing traits of a vampire! Being a priest and a vampire at the same time is a conflict of interests, especially when he starts having a hot love affair with a beautiful young woman. Now he's torn between his faith, "the blood thirsty beast" living within him and the lust for this woman.

Despite the bland title THIRST is a highly entertaining film that borders on being great. It's probably the best vampire movie since the original FRIGHT NIGHT and is, my opinion, Chan-wook Park's best film period. Yes, even better than OLDBOY. The story is fresh and inventive, the acting is excellent and the photography is especially stunning, but not as stunning as Ok-bin Kim's beauty. Mmmmm. The less said the better just watch it. Highly recommended.

[SPOILERS!!!]The one thing I didn't like about this film was the ending. I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't like it because it means there's never going to be a Part 2 and that makes me sad because I really like the two main characters and I think Kang-ho Song and Ok-bin Kim have great onscreen chemistry.[END OF SPOILERS!!!]

SPICE WORLD (1997)

I guess there's a movie in here somewhere...or maybe not. The film starts with the Spice Girls playing themselves and preparing for their first ever live concert. A newspaper owner with sand in his pussy is tired of the Spice Girls being on the cover of the paper everyday so he sends in an undercover paparazzi to dig up some dirt and break up the band. While this is going on a documentary film crew follows the Girls around and one of their friends is pregnant. Also for some reason Meatloaf is their bus driver.

They drive all over the place having bizarre adventures (falling off a boat; going to dance boot camp; riding on top of the bus; signing autographs for aliens and peeing in the woods) and having strange fantasies (being in the game "Clue"; appearing in court for releasing a bad song; having a bunch of babies). The big climax is whether they're gonna make it to the concert in time or not.

The story, if you can even call it that, is crap. It's just a bunch of scenes slapped together, but even worse is none of the musical numbers are good or even complete. Out of the 10 or songs they sing I think only two or three were even entire songs. Hell, I don't know. I'm not a Spice Girls fan, but it seemed the songs were all very short. I was hoping that this film would become a guilty pleasure like THE PIRATE MOVIE or THE APPLE, but instead it was just lame. Skip it.

For those of you keeping records I actually did enjoy this film more than ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN.

I've been wondering for 10 years where Dwarves got that sample from. Now it's even funnier that it came from this movie.

SSSSSSS (1973)

Good: A college student (Dirk Benedick) is hired to be the assistant to a local ophiologist (the great Strother Martin). Bad: the doctor is crazier than Dr. Frankenstein and dreams of turning humans into snakes. Really bad: starting with his new assistant! Yikes!

At first, Dirk is happy with his job and even enamored with the doctor's nerdy daughter, but then the doctor starts giving him shots to help him build up an immunity to snake poison but in fact he's pumping poor Dirk up with some experimental bullshit that slowly turns him into a snake! The slow behavioral transformation and eventual physical transformation was fun to watch, but I had a hard time believing that Dirk's character was so stupid to not notice what was happening. But hey everybody can't be a smrt as me.

The story sounds kinda sssssssucky and it kinda is, but Strother Martin's performance is truly disturbing and he easily carries the film into Worth Watching territory. I do wish the movie had been just a little more risque though. Example: the leaves covering up the skinny dipper's nudity. This is a horror movie, if you're too goddamn chicken to show a naked butt cheek then the audience knows there's not going to be any violence worth a damn on the horizon. Oh well, that's my main gripe. Overall the movie was better than I expected and I'd watch it again, but just remember this is an early 70's studio-backed horror movie, so don't expect anything outrageous.