Thursday, September 29, 2011

PAUL (2011)

Maybe I have a pickle up my ass, but I never even cracked smiled once during this movie. I like science fiction comedies (GALAXY QUEST, SPACEBALLS, etc.), but PAUL was a complete dud. Fucking FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR was funnier than this abortion. "Compliance!"

The story is about two sci-fi nerds who are on a road trip checking out different UFO tourist attractions when they witness a car wreck out on a desolate desert highway.  At the crash site they find Paul. Paul is an alien who's on the run from the government, so the two nerds decide to help him get to a location where an alien spaceship can pick him up. Many different alien anal probe and alien testicles comments later the film ends and I sat there in complete amazement that somebody could write a "comedy" script so lame and actually get it made!

I watched this alone, so I can't comment on what other people think, but I have no idea what anybody could even find funny about this movie. Was there even one joke? Maybe it was all nerd in-jokes that went right over my head. Whatever.  I found it completely weak, with too much drama bullshit going on for my comedic tastes. Skip it and never look back.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

ADALEN 31 (1969)

I'm not knowledgeable about the films of Swedish filmmaker Bo Widerberg, but according to IMDb this is one of his highest rated films so that's not sounding too promising because ADALEN 31 is only mediocre.

From what I can tell, the story (also written by Widerberg) is based on the 1931 Adalen riots where soldiers fired on unarmed striking workers killing five and wounding five. That's an excellent idea for a film and strangely enough it's very reminiscent of Emile Zola's 1885 novel "Germinal", which I think is one of the greatest things ever written. But the pace of ADALEN 31 is slow. Almost painfully slow. It opens with the workers living a peaceful country life during the strike, but then the owners hire some scabs and they attack and whip the shit out of them. The military is brought in and then during a march the workers are fired upon.

Nice story, but like I said it's slow! Honestly the 110 minutes you'll spend watching this film would be better spent reading the first few chapters of Zola's "Germinal" or watching Claude Berri's 1993 adaptation which I think is almost a masterpiece.

MANHATTAN BABY (1982)

While exploring around the Great Pyramid of Giza an archaeologist is zapped in the eyes with lasers and his daughter possessed by an evil spirit via a crappy looking trinket.  Once back in NYC the archaeologist is dealing with being blind while his daughter has all kinds of weird shit going on like sand suddenly appearing in her room and a scorpion appearing in a desk drawer. Very exciting stuff!

I'm guessing this is some kind of a evil spirit possession film made to cash in on the popularity of movies like THE EXORCIST and THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, but MANHATTAN BABY is a slow-moving turd that I'm sure has bored the hell out of the majority of people who've had the misfortune of seeing it. First off, it's so surreal and dreamy that you never fully understand what's going on, then when you realize there's an evil spirit possessing the daughter you expect there to at least be a big showdown at the end, but no, nothing happens. There's a laughable animal attack scene that looks like crap then the movie's over. Yawn.

As I've already said, I'm not a fan of Fulci and MANHATTAN BABY isn't going to convert anyone. The pace is painfully slow, the special effects are laughable, the nonstop eyeball close-ups made me want to kick the TV in the nuts and the story is shit. Nothing exciting happens the entire film. It's a snoozefest from beginning to end. Skip it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT (2000)

Where the fuck to even begin with this stinker? After the obviously bullshit beginning we're introduced to a group of dorks, I mean, film students who are working on their thesis films. Each one is a bigger goober than the last one, but the biggest disappointment is the Final Girl, Amy. Can we at least have an attractive girl in the lead role?! The only thing more bland and boring to look at than her is the script. I honestly think it was just an unrelated throwaway script somebody had laying around, but then after the success of the original URBAN LEGEND the filmmakers spiced the turd up with some "urban legend" bullshit in hopes of having a big opening weekend before the word got out that this movie sucked chupacabra penis. And guess what? It work! According to Box Office Mojo UL:FC made it's budget back within two weeks.

Anyways, the students are on campus making their crappy films when suddenly somebody wearing a fencing mask (a fencing mask?!!!) starts picking them off one at a time in very boring ways. In the original the urban legends were a little more explained, but in this one they just kinda happen. The whole movie is a fucking disaster. It's bland overload: the special effects, the killer's mask, the story, the main chick's underwear, Joey "Whoa!" Lawrence, the kills, the weather, the clothes, everything! Everything about this movie was unexciting in the extreme. Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 1
Part 3

"Whoa!"

Nice granny panties.


THE BEYOND (1981)

Back in 1927 a lynch mob beat, crucify and quicklime an artist they accused of being a warlock. Fifty-four years later a woman inherits the same hotel that he was murdered and secretly buried in. She starts renovating the joint but then all kinds of bizarre, surreal, creepy shits starts happening. If even 1/10th of the shit that happens to this chick happened to me I'd leave the fucking state, but nope, she's determined to open this fucking hotel no matter what! Freak accidents? So what? Zombies? No big deal. Portal to Hell? Eh, it happens.

This is probably Lucio Fulci's best film, but that really ain't saying much since he really wasn't all that good...yep I said it. He did use a lot of gore and have a unique vision so for the most part his more popular films are pretty watchable, but he lesser known movies like say DEMONIA is some of the worst shit you'll ever have the misfortune of seeing.

Back to THE BEYOND: it's an interesting horror film, but really not that good. The story is poop, but some of the visuals are impressive. If you have an interest in film history or horror movies then it's worth checking out, but honestly it's pretty boring and low-budget looking enough to be distracting (spider scene, blinking corpse, paint gun pellet bullet "holes", etc.).