Thursday, April 12, 2012

ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS (1988)

ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS. Now when I hear a title of a film like that, my wee little brain connects the words "zombie" "birds" and "killing" and I create the expectation in my head that the film I'm about to watch is about zombie birds killing people. Wrong!!! ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS isn't about zombie birds you big dummy it's actually the extremely slow moving story of a group of college geeks going out in the woods bird watching. While wandering around the woods they come upon a deserted house and decide to spend the night. This is like over 40 minutes into the movie at this point. During their stay one of the students starts having weird, lame visions about knives and murder. Later that night some slooooooow zombies attack and eventually kill most everybody in boring ways. The End.

High school level special effects, horrible acting, zero nudity, unattractive females all around, an overly confusing story that just plain dumb. I cannot think of a single reason to watch this film other than to laugh right in it's stupid face. If you're a zombie fan then you're going to be disappointed at the crusty slow movers; if you're a gorehound you're gonna be disappointed at the weak gore and if you're a killer animal fan then you're really going to be disappointed because other than one lame eye gouging scene there is zero onscreen bird-on-human violence.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.
During the zombie attack this guy asks his computer for suggestions on what to do. What the fuck? That doesn't even make sense at all. For the sake of journalism I asked Siri what I should do if zombies attacked and she actually brought up a Wolfram Alpha page about zombie movies. I'm kinda impressed. I then asked her if she has a hairy pussy and she gave me directions to a nearby pet store. What the hell? LOL. Why?!