Friday, July 13, 2012

CASTLE FREAK (1995)

A troubled couple and their blind daughter inherit a castle. They celebrate their good fortune by arguing a lot. Lucky for us there's a castle freak in the basement just waitin' to get his freak on! And freak on he does. But this castle freak wasn't born a freak, oh no, he's a man-made freak. Story goes his mother was really freakin' angry at the young boys father so she freaks out and attacks the boy. Freakin' up his face, freaking out his tongue and freaking off his ping-ding. Then she locks him in a bare room for a bunch of years and that's when he gets all freakified. Eventually the woman dies and when the new family moves in the freakin' freaker freaks the freak out and escapes his freakhole.

Once freed from his freak cell, the castle freak stays within the walls of the castle and actually does a pretty piss poor job of hiding himself, but the couple is so preoccupied with arguing that they miss the clues that there's a freak on the loose. The body count starts to add up, but overall it's pretty slow going and while the freak is ugly as hell I kind of felt sorry for him...right up until he freaks off a woman's nipple! Holy shit that was awesome!!! Yeah, the Castle Freak might not have a dong but he's still a perverted motherfreaker and he wants to get superfreaky with the couple's blind teenage daughter.

For a low-budget 90's horror flick CASTLE FREAK has it's moments, but for the most part I couldn't help but think how cool this story could have been with a higher budget and a more imaginative script. Slow start, boring looking castle, the Castle Freak doesn't get freaky enough, unattractive topless scene, medium amount of blood, no gore, boring ending. Worth a one time watch but that's it.