Sunday, September 30, 2012

WOLF CREEK (2005)

Three nerds drive out to the middle of fucking nowhere Australia in their crappy car and go for a long walk.  When they finally get back to the car, it doesn't work and hey check it out some helpful, creepy looking dude shows up in his creeper truck to help. "How about I tow you off to my house in the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt and fix your crap car there?" he says.  "Sure, why the fuck not?" they reply.  Once at his crap house that makes the shack in WRONG TURN look comfy, he drugs them and turns them into his personal playthings...or something, I don't know, since everything took place off screen or not at all.  What a boring turd.

Somewhere, I don't even know where, I got it into my brain that WOLF CREEK was suppose to be superscary and ultraviolent as fuck.  So I got a copy, stuck in the trust ol' OPPO and sat there bored out of my skull for 52 fucking minutes(!!!) until finally something sinister started to happen.  And was it superscary or ultraviolent?  Hell no.  Zero gore, very little blood, slow as molasses pace, zero nudity, low violence, unscary bad guy who I could beat the crap out of, annoying victims I wanted to punch.  Outside of the pretty Australian countryside I cannot think of a single reason to watch this movie.  Yeah, I'm about to say it so watch out...fucking TURISTAS was better!  That's right, I said it.  TURISTAS was boring as fuck, but the pace was a little bit better and I think one of the girls might have been attractive, I can't remember.  Either way, skip the fuck out of WOLF CREEK and TURISTAS and take a nap instead.

[SPOILER!!!] If all that wasn't enough to convince you to skip this turkey: at one point one of the girls is holding a gun, actually knocks the killer dude unconscious and does nothing.  Just walks away.  Of course a few minutes later he wakes up and chops off her fingers then stabs her in the spine.

THE CONCORDE... AIRPORT '79 (1979)

I'd never seen an AIRPORT movie before starting these series a few days ago.  I knew the first few films were wildly successful and kick-started the whole disaster boom of the 70's so I was kinda curious as to why they only made four films and just didn't continue the series indefinitely since it looks to be an endless goldmine.  I still think the AIRPORT series could have gone on, but after seeing Part 4 I can understand why they ended it when they did.  First off the star power is completely gone, but even more importantly (and maybe why there wasn't any star power to begin with) is the story is complete rubbish.

You got a Concorde flying from Washington D. C. to Moscow.  Onboard is the reporter girlfriend of a aerospace big shot.  She has evidence that's he's been illegally selling arms to enemies of the US.  So naturally the only thing he can do is launch a high tech missile at the airplane, but oh, that's just the beginning cause he also has a fighter jet attack the plane and then has a maintenance guy sabotage one of the doors to open in mid flight!!!  I can't get much further into the story without giving it all away, but, trust me, it's just fucking insane the shit that goes on in this movie.  Even worse is it's all very badly written, yet somehow screenwriter Eric Roth went on to writer the adapted script for FORREST GUMP!  So let that be a lesson to you: my Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.  

The only reason I can think of to watch this long-winded disaster is to laugh at it.  The story is junk, the special effects are horrible and the acting is garbage.  Skip it.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Part 1 - Airport
Part 2 - Airport 1975
Part 3 - Airport '77

Are you fucking kidding me?!!!  You're gonna put one of the greatest actresses of all time in a throwaway role as a hooker bedding George Kennedy!!!  Uggghhh.

Probably the lowest point of Ed Begley Jr.'s career.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

AIRPORT '77 (1977)

After falling off a little bit with the kinda disappointing Part 2, the third AIRPORT movie kicks it back into gear with an improved all-star cast and a mile a minute story of a rich dude (Jimmy Stewart) who is flying a group of family and friends (along with a cargo bay full of priceless paintings) down to Miami on his private plane piloted by Jack Lemmon and that guy from "Six Feet Under".  While the rich people (Olivia de Havilland, Joseph Cotten, Christopher Lee, Buck Rogers, Darren McGavin, Kathleen Quinlan, M. Emmet Walsh, etc.) are schmoozing it up, some hijackers put knockout gas in the air system and take over the plane.  Then they go under the radar and off course in order to land it on an island and steal the paintings, but in doing so they accidentally clip an oil rig hidden in the fog and the plane goes down, down underneath the waves, mermaids wavin', wavin' to mermen, wavin' sea fans, sea horses sailin', dolphins wailin', red snappers snappin', clam shells clappin', muscles flexin', flippers flippin', boys in bikinis, girls on surfboards, everybody's rockin', everybody's fruggin', twistin' round the fire, havin' fun, but they're not having fun cause the plane comes to rest on the edge of a giant underwater cliff.  Now not only do rescuers have to locate the plane they have to get them out before the plane falls into the abyss.

AIRPORT '77 is pretty low on the Believability Scale, but it's still fun for a one time watch.  I especially like the scenes with Jack Lemmon being a action star.  It was pretty cool seeing him running around, tumbling, swimming and barking orders at people.  And of course Olivia and Jimmy are always great.  George Kennedy returns, but he really doesn't do very much.

Word around the campfire is there was a much longer version shown of television back in the day, but I've never seen it and it looks to be mostly just filler.

Part 1 - Airport
Part 2 - Airport 1975
Part 4 - Concorde...Airport '79

Look at the size of that laserdisc player!!!

Inspiration for the cake scene in the "November Rain" video?