Tuesday, June 30, 2015

COBRA (1986)

George Michael-impersonator (from the "Faith" video) Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti is the person the cops call when they have a tough situation...like a lone dude with only a handful of shells for his shotgun who's holding people hostage in the back of a grocery store.  There's still no explanation as to why all of the people in the front of the store are still inside but whatever.  That dude is the disease and Cobra is the cure.  Turns out the guy is part of a growing cult of weirdos who call themselves the "New Order" that have some kind of hatred for modern society or something, I don't know.  All I do know is they enjoy hanging out in an empty swimming pool and clanging axes together.

One evening a fashion model (Brigitte Nielsen) accidentally witnesses some of the cult members killing a woman on the street.  So then in a attempt to silence her they declare an all out war on her complete with multiple assassination attempts, exploding 18-wheelers, car chases, knife fights, hotel shootouts, motorcycles crashing through doors, cars jumping off of buildings, a car crashing into a boat, fire bombings, drive-by shootings and so on.  It's the worse attempt to hide a crime of all time!

That said, I still kind of liked COBRA in a weird 80's action movie kind of way.  It's nowhere near as awesome as COMMANDO or STONE COLD, it's more of just a fun movie to laugh at than to take seriously. Stallone's character is barely even able to put a sentence together, he wear sunglasses, gloves and a jacket inside and then wipes sweat off his tired brow, he uses scissors to eat pizza and he has a vanity plate.  On top of that the story is silly, breathing corpse in autopsy room, Brigitte Nielsen is not the best actress around, microphone visible, the New Order cult is never clearly defined, there's heavy handed stuff about how the cops arrest the bad guys but the evil liberal judges just keep letting them out and the big finale shootout/boss fight is lacking.  Although it does look like one of the motorcycle riders drives over another dude's hand!

Worth a watch for 80's action fans but I just wish there was more to it.  According to Wikipedia the original cut was nearly 50 minutes longer!!  I'd love to see that version...or a Part 2!   I also found it interesting that not only does this film owe a lot to the DIRTY HARRY series, it actually has the killer from DIRTY HARRY (Andrew Robinson) playing the co-worker that Cobra keeps butting heads with!  That was pretty neat.
Mic clearly visible.

Stunt guy getting his hand run over?