Wednesday, May 30, 2018

NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

The Earth passes through the tail of a comet. The majority of humans (those who looked directly at the comet) are turned into dust.  The remaining survivors are either slowly dying, turned into zombies or completely normal.  Two of the latter are Regina and Samantha, two twenty-something year-old "teenagers", who, after mourning for a few minutes, go to the mall for a shopping spree!  Yaayyy!!!

That actually sounds like an interesting idea for a movie, but it wasn't.  Instead of a cleverly written story with some terminally upbeat teenage girls in the middle of a zombie outbreak (I'm thinking THE YOUNG GRADUATES meets DAWN OF THE DEAD here), we get the boring story of two boring young women with boring personalities who honestly don't do much of anything.  Just lots of standing around and talking with only a few minutes worth of action.  Sub 80's television-level action, at that!

I'm sure there are of fans of NIGHT OF THE COMET, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it, but for a movie with such potential (unexpected zombies, a blonde high school cheerleader in distress, 80's fashions, extreme population reduction, cool movie posters, arcade video game cabinets, a movie theater, great supporting cast, a secret military base, etc.), I found the whole thing to be disappointing.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD or Catherine Mary Stewart's other 1984 film...the truly great THE LAST STARFIGHTER.

Also, I swear to Satan, that animatronic clown is the same one in PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE. And speaking of Pee-wee Herman...how come there's never been a movie called PEE-WEE'S BIG HERMAN?

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

THE BLACKCOAT'S DAUGHTER (2015)

Don't go.

I like Satan. As far as imaginary characters go, I think he's pretty cool.  He ranks right up there with Kermit the Frog and Menlo Schwartzer.

Two young ladies, for different reasons, have to stay a few extra days at their all-girl boarding school during the winter break.  Things go okay during the first night, well...except for the demon sighting and the Satan worshiping in the basement (or as I like to call it: Thursday), but after that things get pretty crunk.

If you're looking for a ballz to the wall gorefest, then keep looking, but if you're down for a slow-moving, thought provoking and thoroughly entertaining dark tale, then THE BLACKCOAT'S DAUGHTER should keep you happy.  There's not any nudity or excessive amounts of blood, but the story is definitely fucked up!  I loved the ending.  The music was awesome also.  It really fit the film.

Double-feature with Kubrick's THE SHINING.

Fun fact: the boarding school the girls go to, Bramford, shares the same name as the apartment building in ROSEMARY'S BABY.

Monday, May 14, 2018

THE PYRAMID (2014)

Archaeologists discover a pyramid way out in the Egyptian desert.  They go inside to check things out.  The residents don't like visitors.

Being a horror movie based around an Egyptian pyramid, the viewer could justifiably expect all kinds of sinister shenanigans to happen: perhaps a dried out, icky-looking mummy ripping guy's dicks off and punching females in the cooter; possibly a freaky-looking creature with the head of a lion and the body of a man feasting on people's intestines; perchance some half-cat, half-hippopotamus monsters tearing off victims faces and crushing their testicles; mayhaps even an upright-walking beast with the body of a hunting dog and the penis of a caracal tip-toeing around and peeing in the mouths of sleeping archaeologists...but no.  Instead, we get a half-jackal/half-man CGI creature that lurks in the dark and kills like 3 or 4 people offscreen.  Yawn.

I went into THE PYRAMID excited, but quickly realized that it was going to be a lightweight outing.  Zero nudity, very little blood, no gore, tiresome characters, lots of darkness, disappointing monster, okay acting, slow start, boring middle and dumb ending.  I managed to watch the entire thing, but it was a struggle. Skip it.