Tuesday, September 25, 2018

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

A woman and her boyfriend are driving through Nebraska when a young boy runs out of cornfield and directly in front of their car.  That's pretty fucked up, but not as fucked up as the fact that his throat had already been slashed!  Eek!  Anyway, they smash the fuck out of the little bastard and after some deliberation, they decide to take him to the closest town.  Which unfortunately, for them, is Gatlin.  Not only does Gatlin not have any internet, but it also doesn't have any adults...because the children murdered all of them three years earlier!

Now you might ask yourself "How is it that in three years, nobody has noticed that the entire adult population of Gatlin is missing?"...but you won't get any answers, so just accept it and roll with it.  So, now we have this town full of wacky-ass murderous children, I mean, it's gotta be pretty crazy, huh?!  They're probably all insane, feral, WRONG TURN-style cannibals that use their chiseled teeth to rip the dicks off anybody who happens to wander into town, right?  Wrong, they're just a bunch of boring super religious kooks who sit around worshiping something called "He Who Walks Behind the Rows".  It's about as exciting as watching a movie about a bunch of religious kooks who sit around doing a whole bunch of nothing.

"...a whole bunch of nothing." isn't completely fair.  They do kill a few people and run around with sharp farming tools, but it's not very exciting.  Zero nudity, very little blood, zero gore, low body count, non-threatening kids acting like they're dangerous, lame boss fight.  Honestly, the highlight of the movie was Linda Hamilton's lip syncing musical number.  It was wonderfully terrible.  I loved it!

I'd love to see a version of the story where the kids actually do something or a version where some badass drives through town and beats all of the kids to death.  Or how about a COOL AS ICE / CHILDREN OF THE CORN crossover?  CHILDREN OF THE CORN versus CRITTERS?  Anyway, if you need me, I'll be in my room watching the sequels...

Part 2 - Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice
Part 3 - Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest
Part 4 - Children of the Corn: The Gathering
Part 5 - Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror
Part 6 - Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return
Part 7 - Children of the Corn: Revelation
Part 8 - Children of the Corn: Genesis
Part 9 - Children of the Corn: Runaway
Remake - Children of the Corn