Happyotter

RED RIDING HOOD (2011)

2012-02-15T12:50:00.008-06:00

For what it is this is an entertaining enough movie. It's kinda a dreamy, light-weight re-telling of the "Little Red Riding Hood" story, but instead of a girl walking to Grandmother's house there's a small village that's being terrorized by a werewolf. Unfortunately the "werewolf" doesn't look like a half-man/half-wolf creature, but instead like a large CGI wolf that walks around on all fours.

After the first few killings, not shown onscreen, just implied, a holy man (Gary Oldman) and his soldiers comes to the village to kill the wolf. Through all of this the beautiful Amanda Seyfried is caught in a love triangle between the man she's loved since childhood and the guy her family has arranged for her to marry.

I attentively watched the entire movie, but I would have been much happier if the filmmakers had went ahead and bumped it up some with the violence. With a PG-13 rating I assume they were going for a young teenage girl audience which is sad because this story had some real potential to be something unique, but instead they took the safe and easy path and ended up with a watchable but wholly forgettable film. The main thing RED RIDING HOOD accomplished was making me want to watch LEGEND again.

Worth a rent, but that's it.

THE THING (2011)

2012-02-13T18:51:00.006-06:00

I'm not a filmmaker, but I would think the main reason that you would go through the trouble of making a prequel to a movie that you love (I assume the filmmakers here love John Carpenter's THE THING) is to expand the story and challenge yourself to try to make an even better movie. That's just my thinking, maybe I'm a fucking idiot. I'm using ALIEN and ALIENS as my scale of reference. So with those thoughts calculating into my expectations of this new THE THING I was really, really dumbfounded as to why this movie feels more like a remake than a prequel. In fact, if I didn't already know this was a prequel the only thing that would have clued me in while watching it was at lame tacked on ending during the closing credits. Other than that it felt like a remake...and a unimaginative one at that.

A Norwegian research team accidentally discovers a huge alien spaceship in Antarctica. They call in group of American paleontologists so they can stop talking in subtitles. A large alien "survivor" is excavated out still encased in a large block of ice. The dogs start getting all upset then suddenly the alien jumps straight up out of the ice like he's a goddamn acrobat and flies through the roof! Before you can say "I've seen this all before." out come the flamethrowers and everybody's in the wreck room getting tested to see if they're an alien. Yawn.

If James Cameron had gone this route, instead of Marines fighting an army of aliens and their mother on LV-426 he would have just told the mining ship story over again, but with a CGI alien. As far as I'm concerned, such a lack of imagination is inexcusable. I've seen more thought put into a porno parody than this movie.

Despite all that I didn't hate THE THING remake, I mean, prequel . It was mildly entertaining, the pace was good and it wasn't blasphemous towards the 1982 version, but I'll never watch it again and after awhile I found myself admiring Mary Elizabeth Winstead's beauty more than really caring what happened to the characters. Worth a one time watch, but that's it.

SLEEPER (1973)

2012-02-10T00:49:00.009-06:00

Clever early Allen comedy that suffers somewhat from dated humor.

In 1973 Miles Monroe (Allen), the owner of the Happy Carrot health food store goes to the hospital for a simple surgery. There's a complication so doctors place him into an cryopreservation state. He stays frozen until the year 2173 when he's illegally thawed out by scientists who are part of a rebellion against the oppressive government and they plan to use Miles as a spy because he has no "biometric identity" and can be tortured for months and months without giving up any useful information. That might sound dark, but it's not at all.

Audiences back in 1973 must have found this film to be pretty funny since it ended up making back 9 times its budget at the box office, but like I said earlier SLEEPER is pretty dated. Jokes about Howard Cosell and Charles DeGaulle might have flown back in 1973, but I can't see them bringing many laughs today. That's not to say there isn't any humorous moments thought...the robot scenes were pretty funny. If, like me, you're a huge Woody Allen fan then SLEEPER is a required watch, but others would be better off sticking to early Allen classics like ANNIE HALL or LOVE AND DEATH.

MY SOUL TO TAKE (2010)

2012-02-08T17:16:00.005-06:00

Alright, see if you can follow this (because I barely could): a guy unknowingly has multiple personalities, one of them being local serial killer "The Riverton Ripper". When he accidently discovers that he's The Ripper he goes fucking nuts, kills his pregnant wife and is in the act of attacking his young daughter when the pigs bust in a shoot him. Stuff happens and while he's being transported to the hospital he stabs an EMT in the neck causing the ambulance to wreck and explode. Within the hour 7 babies are born at the local hospital and then sixteen years on their, uh, sixteenth birthday the "Riverton 7" start getting killed off one at a time. Could the culprit be The Riverton Ripper who's body was never found? Somebody else completely? A wookalar? Or maybe The Ripper's spirit returning to haunt/possess/murder the seven teenagers?

If MSTT was made by a first-time director I might be a little more forgiving, but seeing how it was written, produced and directed by horror legend Wes Craven who's been in the business since 1971 (!!!) I can't help but tell you how shocked I was at how amateurish the whole thing felt. I didn't hate the film, but that's not saying much or even an accurate statement because there isn't much happening in MYTT to hate. It's literally too bland to even make a critical judgement about! There isn't one single original idea in the entire movie; the story is ancient; we never even get a clear shot at the killer (he appears to be a large, scruffier version of Rob Zombie); the characters are all bland stereotypes we've already seen a million times before (lonely nerd, abusive jock, power-hungry preppy; prude prayer chick, etc.) and with almost zero violence, gore, blood or nudity I don't even know what Wes was thinking the audience would be entertained by! Honest to Satan I honestly believe that by the end of this year I will have completely forgotten that I even saw this movie or even wrote this review.

Not face-punchingly bad, just boring and formulaic. Skip it with a vengeance.

CLOVERFIELD (2008)

2012-02-06T00:22:00.011-06:00

I hope I'm not spoiling this for anybody when I say the entire film is presented in a "found footage" format. I didn't know it was going to be that way but after my initial "Are you fucking kidding me?!!!" reaction I settled into the movie and found it to be rather entertaining. I'm not a fan of the whole "shaky-as-fuck" camerawork, so thankfully the filmmakers had the good sense to keep that garbage to a minimum.

The footage belongs to a group of yuppie douchers who are throwing a surprise party for a fellow doucher. Things go as expected with some partying and drinking and people going "Wooo!", but then enters the extremely hot chick that the main doucher is secretly in love with and that was a brilliant move because suddenly I forgot all about the fact that this is a monster movie and as I'm focusing all my attention on this nerd pining away over the hot chick there's suddenly there's a violent boom. Partygoers freak the fuck out and run up to the roof right in time to see a large explosion in the distant. Flaming debris starts raining down on them, so they retreat down to the streets and that's when all fucking Hell breaks loose.

The main doucher and a few of his friends go off on foot trying to figure out a way to get out of town when suddenly he gets a message from the hot chick saying that she's injured and trapped in her apartment on the 39th floor of a building a few streets over...right exactly where all the action is going on. So now they have to fight their way against the traffic, a growing military presence and a gigantic monster to save this chick with the killer body. And trust me this chick is hot enough that it's fucking worth it. I'd fight a giant monster and/or horde of zombie ratpires any day of the fucking week for this chick. I might even consider watching a Will Smith mov...nah, never mind, she's not that hot.

I liked the film, but I doubt that I'll ever watch it again. I really wish the main characters had been more likeable and their characters developed more at the beginning so that way when the violence broke out I would have actually given a fuck as to who lived or died. As it was I just wanted everybody on screen to die as violently as possible. Also the pace. Think about ALIENS. It starts out slow, builds the characters then when the actions hits it's an nonstop assault of violence that barely even gives the audience a chance to catch their breath. More filmmakers should take lesson from early James Cameron films...that includes old James Cameron.

Anyway, entertaining film, minor blood, zero gore, zero nudity, good for a single viewing but after you see what all the mystery and hype is about I really can't see any reason to revisit it.

KING KONG.

THEM.

THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS.

Did you see it?

Kinda looks like a ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK poster.

OUTBREAK (1995)

2012-02-04T01:09:00.008-06:00

The tagline on the poster says "Try to remain calm." Well, with a film as shoddy, boring and rushed together looking as OUTBREAK that ain't gonna be too hard to do.

OUTBREAK starts out well enough with a mysterious sickness killing off people in Zaire. Military virologist Dustin Hoffman is sent in to investigate. He quickly realizes there's some serious shit going down, but when he requests that his superiors sound the alert they instead say it's nothing and reassign him. And that's where OUTBREAK falters. A taut, well-written story about a highly contagious virus spreading like wildfire could be fucking awesome! Instead around the midway point OUTBREAK becomes less about the virus and more about the military coverup. Hint: I don't give a shit.

Whenever I watch a movie about an killer virus outbreak I want it to be about a killer virus outbreak not government coverups, not helicopter chases and not dropping a bomb on innocent people in an effort to stop the spread of the disease. OK, well the dropping a bomb on innocent people part has potential, but just never realized. And speaking of unrealized potential: with such an impressive cast and Warner Brothers deep pockets OUTBREAK had the potential to be really good movie. Sadly, that didn't happen and now 17 years later OUTBREAK hasn't aged gracefully at all.

The actual outbreak scenes early on were interesting, but then when the story centers in around keeping the disease quarantined in the small city of Cedar Creek (a miniature representation of America I guess) it falls apart. Uninspired dialogue, unrealistic reaction by the citizenry when they are taken over by the military, weak special effects, lame action scenes, predictable climax. It's only worth watching if you're extremely bored and I, for one, don't think I'll ever be that bored again for the rest of my fucking life. Skip it.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching EBOLA SYNDROME.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (2011)

2012-02-01T20:08:00.000-06:00

I think I smiled the entire movie.

Just when I was starting to think that ol' Woody was ready to be put out to pasture he goes and makes his best film since 2001's THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION. I'm sorry I ever doubted you Woody.

I don't want to tell you too much since the most exciting part of the film is having the wonderfully delicious story unfold, so I'll just say that Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) is a successful but unhappy Hollywood screenwriter. He's on a vacation in Paris with his self-centered fiancee Inez (the always beautiful Rachel McAdams) and her constantly belittling parents. He believes that if they move to Paris the beauty and cultural history of the city will inspire him to write the great novel that he feels is inside him. Rachel doesn't want to here any of this and just thinks he's being stupid. As bad luck would have it they run into some friends of Inez's and this one dude, Paul, is a complete pseudo-intellectual asshole. He believes that he's an expert on fucking everything! He even gets in an argument with a tour guide at a museum! Gil senses that Inez sees Paul as vastly intellectually superior to Gil, like when Gil tries to interrupt Paul Inez shushes him and says "Gil, just pay attention. You might learn something.". LOL. Anyway, after yet another torturous evening of listening to Paul drone on and on about how brilliant he is, a very frustrated Gil goes for a walk. He's so deep in thought he ends up getting lost...and then at the stroke of midnight something magical happens.

I loved this movie and it was such a delight to see Woody back in his old form. I was so excited to get a new Woody Allen masterpiece that when it came to an end I just started it over again. As of right now MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is the best movie that I've seen from 2011. Highly recommended.

TALES FROM EARTHSEA (2006)

2012-01-31T12:44:00.007-06:00

Beautiful animation but man that story was a mess! From what I can tell the film is based on a popular fantasy series by author Ursula K. Le Guin. I am not a fantasy reader, but according to Wikipedia this film is "a combination of plots and characters from the first four books"!!!!!! Four books compressed into a 115 minute movie?! Are you fucking kidding me? No wonder it felt all weird.

As best as I can tell: long ago in the land of Earthsea magic and dragons were more prevalent, but now those things are extremely rare. Bad omens have been seen all over the land and it's obvious that the Balance is out of wack. The king is murdered by his young son and the boy runs away. Out in the middle of the desert the boy is saved from a pack of wolves by a the only good wizard still around. The two team up and travel around. Eventually after a few minor events (including saving a young girl from slave traders) they end up at the farm of a female friend who just happens to be the caretaker of the girl the boy saved from the slave traders. Anyway, so there's this evil sorceress who hates the wizard and is looking for the secret to eternal life and in doing so she is the one cause the Balance to be out of wack. She kidnaps everybody and some how the boy's shadow is running around on his own or something and there's a magic sword and out of nowhere a dragon appears. I was so goddamn confused I turned to my cat for help but all he said was I should try scratching behind his ear for answers.

It's sad that the story ended up being such a jumbled up disaster because the animation was really nice. TFE could have easily been a classic, but I think the filmmakers bit off more than they could swallow. I hate to say it, but skip it.

Once again according to Wikipedia: for years Studio Ghibli had been asking Ursula K. Le Guin for the permission to make a film about her series, but she always said no. But then after seeing SPIRITED AWAY by Hayao Miyazaki she agreed. Problem was that Miyazaki was already busy making HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE so his son, Goro, was put in charge of TFE despite the fact he had never directed a movie before. In the end Le Guin told Goro "It is not my book. It is your movie."

Oh yea, that awesome looking dragon on the poster. It's only in the movie for like two minutes.

A SINGLE MAN (2009)

2012-01-26T02:25:00.014-06:00

Colin Firth plays a man, George Falconer, who is deep in depression (and maybe even shock) in the months following the sudden death of his companion Jim. The film opens as George awakens out of a dream about Jim. Ahh shit. Another miserable day but today is not going to be like all of the other black days since Jim's death. No, today is going to be the very last day ever that George has to fake his way through this torture. His plan is to spend the day getting all of his final arrangements in order and then in the evening blow his fucking brains out along with all the misery and loneliness that infests it...but sometimes life has plans that differ from yours.

I haven't read the book so I'm sure some of the more subtle nuances of the story have been lost in the translation from paper to screen, even so I still enjoyed A SINGLE MAN and found it touching and thought provoking. First time director Tom Ford does a good job. I think the delicate story is better suited for somebody with more experience (Ang Lee maybe?), but Tom does a adequate job and even though I disliked the way the movie was shot there are a few moments that really shine. The liquor store parking lot scene is one I have in mind. The ever so slight expressions on Colin's face during that scene are a pleasure to behold.

A SINGLE MAN by no means a masterpiece, but it's an above average film and Colin's performance alone is worth the price of admission.

MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE (1948)

2012-01-25T22:06:00.007-06:00

As you well know I love both Cary Grant and Myrna Loy, so you would think the pairing of them together would be a sure sign of a hilarious movie. Well it's not. MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE has numerous funny moments but the thing that turned me off overall to the movie was the fact that Blandings has a job where he apparently does nothing but can still afford to not only support a wife and two kids but also afford a maid and build a gigantic house at a grossly overinflated price! It bothered the shit out of me. I don't know jack about the advertising business (except that the majority of commercials I see make me want to kill the entire human race), but Blandings has a job where he's given the assignment of coming up with a new slogan for a ham company and he's given six fucking months to do it!!!!!!! You're telling me this guy is getting paid enough money to live like a fucking king because he can come up with a slogan every six months!?!! WTF? It's all I could think about the entire movie.

OK, OK, let's forget about the whole money grows on tree aspect of the story and just focus on the comedy...ehh, it's alright. Unfortunately most of the jokes focus on the different ways that Blandings is getting ripped off. Example: the guy he's paying to discover water for his well is paid by the foot, so the joke is the well digger guy has to dig over 200 feet down to discover water while the house construction guys only have to dig down 6 feet to discover a spring that ends up flooding the basement. Hardy-har-har. If that kind of stuff gets you to knee-slapping then MBBHDH is the movie for you. Myself though I kinda found it more depressing than funny.

Not a bad movie, but I think you'd better off watching GEORGE WASHINGTON SLEPT HERE which has a very similar story, but actually funny.

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN (1951)

2012-01-25T19:06:00.010-06:00

A up and coming tennis player, Guy, has been courting the daughter of a senator. His future looks to be very promising...except for the fact that he's still married to the town slut from his hometown. While on a train trip back home to discuss his divorce with his estranged wife Guy bumps into a man, Bruno, and they strike up an uneasy conversation. Eventually the subject turns to "the perfect murder" and while Guy thinks Bruno is just joking, Bruno is actually deadly serious...not to mention highly disturbed. Bruno claims the perfect murder would be for Bruno to murder Guy's wife and for Guy to murder Bruno's father, explaining that since neither of them know their victim the police would never be able to solve the murders.

The train arrives and Guy forgets the whole silly conversation when his wife, sensing a cash cow, backs out on the promised divorce. They get in a heated argument in front of her co-workers. Later on she's at a carnival when Bruno shows up and strangles her to death. Bruno then contacts a horrified Guy and tells him that now it's Guy's turn kill his father.

If I had to rank Hitchcock movies I would place SOAT somewhere in the Top 20. It's an entertaining viewing with some interesting shots and a nice amount of dark humor. On the other hand it's not rewatchable (as opposed to PSYCHO or VERTIGO) and the character of Guy is a total idiot. All of his problems would have disappeared if he had just manned up from the beginning, but instead he spent the majority of the movie whimpering like spineless pussy. Worth a rent and that's it.

Hitch cameo.

SUMMER WARS (2009)

2012-01-25T13:04:00.010-06:00

From the director of THE GIRL WHO LEAPT THROUGH TIME comes the impressively animated but ridiculously plotted story of an high school math genius, Kenji, who is invited by a very cute classmate, Natsuki, to visit her family's estate for her grandmother's 90th birthday celebration and ends up nearly destroying the world. D'oh!

Things go well enough at the beginning, until he receives an mysterious email with a math problem. He replies with the answer. Turns out the email was from an "hacker artificial intelligence" named Love Machine and the answer was the code protecting a massive virtual reality world called OZ. OZ isn't just some bullshit social networking site like Facebook, but an worldwide infrastructure that controls everything from red-light signals to satellites!

That would spell Bad News Bears for most people, but luckily Natsuki's family are descendents from a samurai warriors so they have a real fighting spirit...also Natsuki's uncle is the one who original created Love Machine for the U.S. Army!!!!!!! Talk about a small world. But that's only the beginning of it. Assembled within this small family gathering is the greatest gamer on OZ; the owner of a specialty computer business who sets up a supercomputer in the living room (!!!); a military guy who gets a large radar for them; a rich guy who parks a huge yacht in the koi pond to power the supercomputer plus numerous emergency workers like paramedics and pigs. It's insane...especially when Love Machine points a falling satellite towards a nearby nuclear power plant and Kenji hacks into the satellite's GPS to redirect (it's falling, I guess?) while virtually fighting Love Machine in a fist fight!

Normally a story that fantastically ridiculous (not to mention lazy) would turn me completely off, but the animation was impressive enough that I watched the entire thing and rather enjoyed it. I'll never ever watch it again, but it was a nice way to burn a few hours. Too bad the story wasn't better.

TWILIGHT GANGSTERS (2010)

2012-01-24T14:30:00.006-06:00

Three down-on-their-luck old ladies have to resort to shoplifting to save up money to purchase tickets for their Hawaii dream vacation. While at a bank depositing their ill-gotten funds the bank is robbed and their money stolen. The three women are heartbroken and decide the only way to get the money is to rob a bank themselves.

TWILIGHT GANGSTERS is an occasionally funny film with three delightful leads, but I wish the filmmakers had made the grannies more sympathetic. I think the audience would have a better connection with them if they were say unjustly kicked out of their home and/or had to rob a bank to get money for a friend's life-saving surgery instead of three shoplifters who just want money to go on a vacation! Anyway, I liked the film and while I never laughed out loud I did find a number of scenes to be humorous.

Worth a watch, but it's nothing life changing. It could have been much better.

Hey, it's ol boy from SEX IS ZERO.

That bank teller over on the right is beautiful.

THE CUT (2007)

2012-01-24T13:00:00.005-06:00

I wasn't privileged enough to go to college, let alone film school, but if there's any film school professors out there looking for an perfect example of a movie being way, way, way more confusing than it need to be then THE CUT is for you.

I'm going to attempt to explain to you what the film is about spoilers and all because honestly it doesn't even matter, this film is garbage: Some Med students begin their new Anatomy class where they have to dissect human bodies. For over 30 minutes absolutely nothing happens to the point where I started thinking this was maybe a drama film and not a horror film at all. Finally at 33 minutes a female student goes to the lab in the middle of the night to do some extra studying, while she's there the lights go out and suddenly dead bodies start moving all over the place. Sounds creepy, but it wasn't at all. I've seen covers of Goosebumps books that were scarier. Anyway she ends up dead and in the morning the students find her on an autopsy table with her heart removed. This starts a whole series of boring kills where people end up with their hearts removed.

Easy enough so far, even if it's not exciting, but then the main girl takes it upon herself to start investigating the murders (which begs the question: where the fuck are the police?!). She discovers, with the help of a ghost, that there was once a young deaf/mute woman who was raised by hookers and one night she was stabbed for refusing to fuck a guy and her body dumped off at a hospital. She lived and is taken under the wing of a young doctor who helps her learn sign language. Things are going fine until one day she's kidnapped by rogue doctors and given an illegal heart transplant! Her doctor friend bursts in during the middle of the surgery and is rewarded with a scalpel to the eyehole. The woman dies during the surgery and now her ghost is haunting the daughter of the nurse that helped with the surgery who herself was stabbed to death with a pair of scissors by her husband who later tried to strangle to death the little girl who is now the main medical girl. But the husband wasn't her father because it's actually her present-day professor who is her dad because he knocked up the nurse. He's also the one that did the illegal heart transplant surgery and has kept the deaf/mute girl's dead body in a giant container of formaldehyde in his secret office along with a few hundred human hearts. I think he might have been the one doing the killings, but it also mentions that the main girl is possessed by the ghost...I think. I was yawning too hard to know for sure.

Either way, whoever was doing the killings it doesn't even matter in the least because all of the deaths were beyond weak. Zero fucking scares outside of loud noises, zero nudity, annoying and gross looking fat guy that eats during an autopsy, crappy looking special effects, unattractive females all around, an almost deserted college campus. There is absolutely nothing going for this film. Even ANATOMY which I fucking hated is a better movie. Skip it with a vengeance and forget that this movie even exists.

HELLFIGHTERS (1968)

2012-01-24T01:42:00.012-06:00

Co-star Katharine Ross might have called HELLFIGHTERS "...the biggest piece of crap I've ever done!" and James Coburn might have once called director Andrew V. McLaglen a "hack", but I thought HELLFIGHTERS was entertaining enough.

John Wayne and Jim Hutton are the two Big Kahuna's at an oil well firefighting outfit. They come across as so rugged and tough that you're almost lead to believe that they just drop their pants, saunter out to the raging inferno and club it to death with their giant peckers, but no they have to use actual tools like tractors, high-pressure water cannons and nitroglycerin (to displace the oxygen feeding the fire). The firefighting scenes are pretty exciting and the fires themselves are huge, but the funniest part of the movie is the women in their lives. Wayne's wife, well, ex-wife left him years ago (even though she's still in love with him) because she was just too goddamn scared that Wayne was going to get killed. And as fate would have it Jim marries Wayne's daughter! So now for the rest of the movie both women sit over on the sidelines and worry nonstop about these two firefighting superstuds they're married to. I found it to be hilarious.

Sexist subplot aside the firefighting scenes were dramatic, well shot and educational (I had no idea how they put out oil well fires, now I could do it myself!). Worth a watch...as long as you have a sense of humor. I would actually like to see a more realistic and grittier remake of this film.

Fun Fact: McLaglen went on to direct the legendary bad movie MITCHELL that was immortalized for all time by MST3K. "Baby oil?! NO!!!!"

Good grief.

LOVE AFFAIR (1939)

2012-01-22T00:43:00.014-06:00

An international playboy, Michel, is traveling by liner across the Atlantic to be with his new fiancee who happens to be an heiress. By accident he meets an American woman, Terry, who herself is traveling alone to be with her wealthy fiancee. They talk and despite their resistance, it becomes very apparent that they are made for each other. A nice, simple romance ensues, but once they get to America they agree to part for six months and if they still want to be with each other then they meet at the observation deck of the Empire State Building at an appointed time.

Both Michel and Terry break off their engagements and work extra hard to build up some money. The fateful day comes and as Terry is walking up to the building she's struck by a car and her legs all fucked up. Now she's confined to a wheelchair and too embarrassed to talk to Michel, but Michel doesn't know any of this and he believes that she simply didn't want to see him. He's heartbroken.

I wasn't crazy about this movie. It's too sentimental for my tastes, plus it's very dated. I am a fan of both Irene Dunne and Charles Boyer so I did enjoy it, but I'll never watch it ever again. The most positive thing I say about it is Irene Dunne was absolutely beautiful, especially during the final scene. Worth watching, but just barely.

Remade in 1957 as AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr.

NINJA SCROLL (1993)

2012-01-20T00:41:00.010-06:00

I really need to review more animation on Happyotter, so let's start with the film that got me into Japanese animation: NINJA SCROLL. I still remember watching this for the first time on an old VHS tape back in the 90's and freaking the fuck out at how awesome it was with all of the violence and bloodshed and nudity! I couldn't wait to tell my friends about it! Watching it again now for the first time in probably over a decade I was a little taken back at how tame it seemed (as opposed to my memories), but it's still an awesomely animated and entertaining ride filled with a cool heroic trio and memorable bad guys. Especially Tessai the stone skin guy.

Years(?) ago a ninja, Jubei, was double crossed by the leader of his ninja team (Gemma) over a secret gold mine. Jubei killed Gemma and is now a wandering ninja. Sometime later Jubei learns that Gemma is back, so he somewhat reluctantly joins a elderly spy and a female ninja to stop Gemma from using the gold to overtake the government. But first they must defeat a demon ninja group known as the Devils of Kimon. Each member has a unique power and is totally badass.

That's a very simplified version of the story, but the story isn't what makes NINJA SCROLL so awesome. It's the fight scenes. Each one is badass and impossible to turn your eyes away from. Even though I knew how the film was going to end I still found myself leaning forward in excitement and anticipation! LOL. If you are at all interested in animation or cinema history then NINJA SCROLL is required viewing. Check it out.

AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER (1957)

2012-01-19T00:46:00.007-06:00

The story (and director) is exactly the same as the one from 1939's LOVE AFFAIR. On a ship a penniless playboy engaged to an heiress falls in love with a penniless singer who herself has a wealthy fiancee. When the liner arrives in NYC they agree to meet in six months if they still love each other. She doesn't make it because she's in an accident and is too embarrassed to tell her beloved that she's now confined to a wheelchair.

Nice story, but I did not like Deborah Kerr. I thought she was an bore from beginning to end. In a perfect world it would have been the original's Irene Dunne reprising her role, but this time opposite Cary Grant. That would have been awesome! Especially if they would have deleted all those scenes of children singing. Oh, my fucking Satan that shit was torture!

Technically, AATR was a better film than the original, but it's still nothing special. Grant does a decent job, but honestly that script wasn't all that great the first time around and now on the second go through it's lost all of it's appeal. I can't recommend it. I know it's a popular romance movie, but I found it boring with zero spark between Grant and Kerr. Skip it.

Children singing = vomit.

It says "Terry" on the subtitle but it clearly sounds like he says "Hello, Debbie."

JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987)

2012-01-18T22:20:00.012-06:00

Is JAWS: THE REVENGE as bad as you've heard? Probably. It's pretty goddamn shitty.

The film opens with Sheriff Brody's youngest son getting eaten by a gigantic Great White shark in the waters off Amity Island. During her mourning Ellen Brody says fuck this goddamn joint and moves to The Bahamas to be with her eldest son Micheal who is now a marine biologist. During all of this Ellen has a strange sense of apprehension that the shark (who exactly is this fucking shark by the way?!) is going to follow her all the way to The Bahamas and eat her and her family. On top of that throughout the film she has some kind of weird psychic link to the shark...wow! Somebody got paid to write this shit? Anyway, it ends up that she's correct and the shark soon shows up and starts terrorizing her family. Then in a final showdown Ellen steals a boat and goes off in the ocean to kick the shark's ass or whatever it is sharks have in place of an ass. A shark attacking an airplane, dry shirts on people coming out of the water, confusing flashbacks, a roaring shark, and a huge unexplained explosion ensues.

Stretch that paper thin story into 89 minutes and you have the recipe for a truly bad movie. And how Michael Caine, just one year after his superb performance in HANNAH AND HER SISTERS got involved with this stinker would be a story better than the movie itself. He is quoted on Wikipedia as saying "I have never seen it [the film], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!", so I guess that explains that.

Should you watch JAWS 4? That really depends on how bored you are and how fine tuned your sense of humor is because this is not a good movie at all, but it is hilarious. I say go for it! But don't say I didn't warn you.

According to what I've read about the JAWS: THE REVENGE novelization tie-in (see Amazon link below) the reason the shark was so intent on killing members of the Brody clan is because it was under the control of a witchdoctor who was pissed at the Brody's. Sounds logical enough, it makes more sense than the majority of The Bible and people seem to love that fucking book!

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

That background looks fake as fuck.

Your shoulder pads are showing.

JAWS 3 (1983)

2012-01-18T14:38:00.012-06:00

Sheriff Brody's eldest son is now a big wig at the Sea World in Florida and while his younger brother is in town for a visit a gigantic Great White shark sneaks into the facility and starts eating people...I'm guessing, especially in light of the personal vendetta nature of Part 4, in an attempt to eat the two boys.

The idea of Jaws stealthily eating people in a water park is so fucking ridiculous that I can't believe they made a big budget Hollywood movie about it, but they did and it's way dumber than you can even imagine because not only did they play the entire thing seriously it's shot in a hokey 3D fashion where there's nonstop shit pointing towards the camera. It gets old quick. JAWS 3 is an cheesy, entertaining watch that's a lot of fun to laugh at. I'm not sure if that's what one-time only director Joe Alves was going for (I can't imagine that he actually thought he was making a good movie!), but I thank him for it all the same.

If you are looking for a serious JAWS movie than this is not it. It's not a horrible film, but I doubt anybody has ever taken it seriously.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 4

NEEDFUL THINGS (1993)

2012-01-16T13:23:00.006-06:00

Very watered down version of Stephen King's classic novel about an elderly gentleman, Leland Gaunt, who opens a mysterious antique shop in the quiet town of Castle Rock, Maine. Sounds innocent enough except Leland Gaunt is actually a very ancient and sinister creature who sells more than antiques. What he sells are people's secret desires and he doesn't accept money, instead he only accepts deeds and in this way he slowly turns all of the people in Castle Rock against each other. In the book there's much, much more going on but in this slimmed down movie version it's pretty cut and dry. It is nice seeing the town of Castle Rock brought to life, but there is just so much missing that honestly I wish they had never even made this movie. It would have been better off as a one season TV series on HBO. I did go through the trouble of finding and purchasing the three hour version and it is better, but the picture is so goddamn dreadful that I couldn't even watch it all (screenshots below).

If you've never read the book and you have no intention of reading the book (you're an idiot), then I guess this movie version is entertaining enough, but the violence is weak and the whole thing just seems like a smaller version of something much bigger. I can't recommend it. Read the book and just forget this movie even exists.
Three hour version screenshots:

CRISS CROSS (1949)

2012-01-12T23:40:00.010-06:00

Burt Lancaster and Yvonne De Carlo have been in a troubled on-again-off-again relationship for years. At one point they were even married, but it only lasted for a few months before they busted up and Burt hit the road for over a year in hopes of getting her out of his system. Now he's returned and wouldn't you know it? He ain't even been back one full day and he's going around looking for her. Well, he finds her and quickly discovers that she's now the main squeeze of a local gangster (the great Dan Duryea), but that's not gonna slow him down though. Ohhh no, Burt is head over heels for this chick and no matter how bad is gets. "Bad" doesn't quite cover it though when, in order to cover up their relationship from the gangster dude Burt has to agree to be the inside man on a armored car heist!!! Holy fook! I've had some good pussy in my day, but ain't none of it been that good!

I made a number of goals for Happyotter in 2012. One of them is to review each of the Top 20 Film Noirs as ranked in "The Film Noir Bible. I've already reviewed a couple like DOUBLE INDEMNITY (#4) and DETOUR (#2) so it shouldn't be too hard to accomplish. CRISS CROSS is ranked as #9 and in my opinion that's a little too high up on the list, but I can live with it.

Off the top of my head I can't really think of much to say about CC other than it's a highly entertaining film packed into a tight 87 minutes and it has a lot of things going for it, most notably Burt Lancaster, director Robert Siodmak, a pre-"Munsters" Yvonne De Carlo and nice photography by Franz Planer. If you're into film noir then I say check it out. I think you'll like it quite a bit.

A very young and uncredited Tony Curtis.

TURISTAS (2006)

2012-01-11T07:49:00.006-06:00

A small group of twenty-something tourists (who incidentally within 30 seconds of them being on the screen I wanted to beat them all to death in the worse possible way...that's right: while listening to a Will Smith album) are in Brazil for a fun-filled vacation of boozing and boozing. These motherfuckers are the most ready to party motherfuckers you will ever see. Immediately after their bus rolls off the side of a mountain leaving them stranded they go boozin and swimming in the ocean instead of waiting on the replacement bus. Naturally they are drugged and robbed by the locals and so now with nothing but the clothes on their back what do they do? Follow some dude into the jungle and go swimming and partying in the fucking river! The party comes to an end though when their guide accidentally bashes his skull on a underwater rock. They carry the injured dude to a nearby house and act like they own the place: eating all the food, taking showers, stealing the clothes, drinking all the booze, raiding the medicine cabinet and even giving human food to the fucking dog! Jesus fucking Christ! What if the dog was on a special diet?! Anyway, it's Bad News Bears for them though because the house just happens to belong to a human organ harvester (!!!) who, when he returns, is more than willing to let them repay the damages they did to his crib with their fucking kidneys and livers.

TURISTAS might have an promising premise, but the execution is so lightweight that it's actually more of a dramatic thriller than a horror movie. There's nothing scary going on, just a bunch of annoying douchers being chased around by a nonscary looking dude and his boring helpers...and that's only during the final act of the movie! The first hour of the film is nonstop talking and walking and boozing and swimming and more talking.

I didn't hate the film. I just found the entire thing extremely boring. Skip it with a vengeance and never look back. You will gain absolutely nothing by watching this by-the-numbers snoozer.

Wow. A long, drawn out underwater swimming chase/fight scene. How exciting!

NO MERCY (2010)

2012-01-10T15:33:00.010-06:00

Grrrrr...I'm so upset with myself. I've literally had this DVD sitting here on my desk for like four months now and I've been meaning to watch it but instead I kept getting distracted with garbage like LEATHERHEADS or HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS, so last night I finally sat down to watch it and it was fucking awesome! That means that all of that horrible pain inflicted on my by the new HELLRAISER could have been avoid if I had only listened to that little voice in my head and watched NO MERCY instead. I'm such a fucking idiot. =(

Happyotter favorite Kyung-gu Sol plays a medical examiner who is asked to join in the murder investigation of a dismembered female found on the shore of a local river. Kyung-gu Sol (like the viewer) thinks this is just your routine murder investigation, but the murder is just the first piece to a very interesting puzzle. To say anything more would be unfair to any potential viewers out there. Trust me, NO MERCY is a very well made and enjoyable thriller. Kinda reminds me of like a mixture of OLDBOY and SEVEN. I don't know if that's totally correct, but once you see it you'll understand what I'm talking about.

Highly recommended.

A few NSFW screenshots.

CRITTERS 2 (1988)

2012-01-10T14:02:00.009-06:00

Everybody's favorite GREMLINS ripoffs are back and this time they ain't satisfied with just tearing up a farmhouse, hell no, this time they're gonna rip apart the entire fucking town of Grover's Bend! Maybe it's just me, but doesn't the name Grover's Bend bring to mind Tarker's Mills from SILVER BULLET?

Anyway, the return of the Krites (via some old, leftover eggs) just happens to coincide with the return of Brad Brown, who was the young hero of the first film. Right from the beginning the Critters start attacking and eating everything in sight. At first people don't realize what's going on, but once a dude in a Easter Bunny suit gets gobbled up in front of the entire church congregation the citizens of Grover's Bend realize things are fucked. Lucky for them the bounty hunters from the first film have been alerted of the Krite breakout and return for some asskicking of their own.

The budget looks to be lower than the original film, but the script is fast-paced and action-packed enough to keep fans of the original happy even despite the return of the insultingly stupid Charlie character. I hate that motherfucker so much and would love nothing more than a Krite to bite his goddamn dick off.

If you enjoyed the first film then you have no excuse to not check this one out. If you didn't like the original then you're probably a card-carrying member of the No Fun Club and I'm not sure what you're even doing on Happyotter. Go be boring somewhere else.

Bounty hunter tits.

Part 1

DAGON (2001)

2012-01-09T19:17:00.009-06:00

A dude, his girlfriend and another couple are traveling around on a sail boat. Off the coast of a remote fishing village they run into a rock and are forced to go ashore. Once there they discover the inhabitants of the village are a bunch of creepy fish-people that want nothing more than to skin them alive and sacrifice them to their fish god Dagon.

I remember watching DAGON when it first came out in 2001 and liking it quite a bit. I watched it again last night with some friends of mine for this review and we all enjoyed it, but it was much cheaper looking than I remembered and the main character was much dumber than I remembered. Still it's a good film and one of the better based on a H. P. Lovecraft story. This time "The Shadow Over Innsmouth".

That's really about all there is to say. Mild blood and gore, creepy fish people with gills and webbed fingers, very brief nudity, dated as fuck CGI, tentacles, dude getting skinned alive. Overall it's a good rental, but it's just not grim or oppressive enough to be a successful horror movie. I would be extremely interested to see what a better director (David Fincher maybe?) could do with this story, based on a much darker script.

Would be an interesting double feature with SOCIETY.

JAWS 2 (1978)

2012-01-09T08:49:00.014-06:00

A few years after the original shark attacks, the seaside resort of Amity Island is finally getting back to normal and the future (with the help of new developer money) is looking bright...that is until some water skiers die in an "accident" and two divers disappear. Police chief Brody, who got up close and personal with a great white shark in the original film, immediately thinks a shark is to blame, but the town council, fearing another mass exodus of tourist dollars, slams an iron fist down on him and fire his ass. He's bummed out and boozing hard, but when he discovers that his two kids are out on a group sailing trip he kicks his shit into high gear and goes out to kick some shark ass...or maybe just get himself eaten.

Successfully following up a smash hit is a hard job, but following up a smash hit that's also a very well-made film is damn near impossible. It's been done on a few rare occasions (ALIENS, THE ROAD WARRIOR, EVIL DEAD 2), but usually sequels end up just being watered down versions of the original. JAWS 2 is just a watered down version of the original, but it's still worth watching mainly due to the nice pace, a straight-forward story, likeable teenagers, a few memorable kills and Roy Scheider reprising his role as Chief Brody.

One very interesting thing I did read on Wikipedia is that Steven Spielberg wrote a screenplay for JAWS 2 "based on Quint's Indianapolis speech" from the original film! Could that possibly be true and if so has that script ever seen the light of day? I would fucking love to read it!

Part 1
Part 3
Part 4

FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2011)

2012-01-03T22:47:00.009-06:00

A group of tiresome douchers are on a bus going to a company function. One of the douchers has a vision of everybody dying in a CG rendered disaster (as far as the series' disaster visions goes I rate this one as being better than 4's but nowhere even close to the badassness of 2). Naturally, he does the standard freakout bullshit and ends up saving a few people, but afterwards they start dying in bizarre accidents.

The trailer lead me to believe that the on top of all the wacky Death killing people in MacGyver-ish ways that the people on Death's list discovered that if they kill an substitute human that they will be skipped over. Yeah, that new dynamic is touched on, but just barely and not at all in the race-against-time way I was expecting.

I really wanted to like this movie, especially after that silly Part 4, but while it was better than 4, the whole thing was boring! I mean come on, I really don't need to hear those fucking rules all over again. It's torture.

Zero tits, CG blood, annoying characters you wanted to punch in the face, failed humor, rehashed story. Honestly, you'd be better off watching Part 2 again instead of this autopiloted snoozer.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Jesus Buttfuqin Christ she's hot.

Don't get too excited. This is as close to topless as she gets.

CONTAGION (2011)

2012-01-03T21:39:00.015-06:00

It's common knowledge that EBOLA SYNDROME is the greatest disease outbreak movie of all time, but yet filmmakers still feel the need to try and defeat it...when will they ever learn?! *walks off shaking his handsome head*

CONTAGION opens with Gwyneth Paltrow looking more haggard than usual as she leaves China and returns to her family in Minnesota. Before long she collapses and dies. Her small son also dies. MEV-1 has made it to America. You would expect what follows to be a very exciting story of the disease spreading and humankind's efforts to stop it. That actually is the story, but it's methodical and dull, like being forced to assemble a 5,000 piece puzzle picturing my DVD player's 'runtime remaining' button. I wanted so much to like this movie because I love disease outbreak films, but CONTAGION is a lifeless disaster. There's absolutely zero build-up so you never even have a chance to identify or like the characters and there's so many fucking characters all running around different parts of the world doing different things it's almost impossible to even figure out what the movie is even going for...if anything! Because it certainly wasn't "To entertain audience.".

The trailer (below) does look exciting, but what's implied is not what happens. Instead of an exciting race-against-the-clock thriller with a roller coaster pace we get a slow moving clunker with the pace of a 86-year-old man masturbating to an IKEA catalog. If the transmission rate of MEV-1 was as slow as this movie, then nobody would have died...ever! Plenty of talent on the screen, but it's all wasted by the slow as molasses script and the way down on Morphine direction. Skip it.

Sounds like an old South Park episode.

RAGE (2010)

2011-12-30T22:59:00.009-06:00

[A big "Thank you!" to the hard working folks over at Big Screen Ventures for sending me this movie to review.]

A self-absorbed doucher with a hideous beard goes into the city to break up with this chick he's been bangin' because, get this, "he still loves his wife" hahaha...what a loser! Anyway, right before the break up he has a small altercation with a guy on a motorcycle over a parking space. After the meeting, the motorcycle dude follows him and starts harassing him. It starts out simple enough with some staring and red light stalling, but soon enough it escalates into violence...but is it real? Could maybe the mysterious, helmeted stranger actually be his guilty conscience? Or maybe Karma fucking with him? Or maybe an actual psycho? Well, I guess you're gonna have to stick around to find out or maybe just have an I.Q. higher than an half-eaten Fig Newton.

I wanted to like this movie. Director, writer, editor, producer, cinematographer, sound department guy, digital effects guy, actor and nice guy Chris Witherspoon asked me to review RAGE on Happyotter so I was more than happy to oblige since I'm always looking for new films and I'm always willing to support low-budget, independent cinema, but I was not a fan of this movie. It's heart is in the right place, but there's just not enough going on to keep the viewer interested. I had some friends over when I watched RAGE and while their boredom didn't send them into fits of rage, my sofa has some gnarly sleep-drool stains that are gonna be a bitch to get out!

Despite this wonderful, stupid, shitty-looking website you see before you I am not a film expert, but I am more than willing to give advise on how to make a better movie. The biggest problem with RAGE is the script: 1) get rid of all of the flashbacks. They are fucking distracting, heavy-handed and pointless. Example: there was one flashback early on that was about an event that happened less than 3 minutes earlier! 2) the main character is a goddamn pussy. I hated that whiny bastard and wanted him to die. If he had just simply manned up from the beginning then all of his problems would have been solved. 3) there's no standout moments and really there's nothing in the entire script that we haven't seen before, even the bad guy looked like a mixture of the killer(s) from NIGHT SCHOOL and NAIL GUN MASSACRE. 4) streamline the entire story. The pace is too slow and the dialogue was boring. I could go on, but I'm tired and lazy and my cat is pestering me for a belly rub. Meow! Oh, I'm sorry, she just walked across the keyboard.

In conclusion, it's an OK film that means well, but with zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood, an unoriginal story, meow, unsympathetic characters, a nonscary villain, flashback overdose, mediocre acting and a lack of memorable moments I can't recommend it. If you need me I'll be in my room watchingMeow!!! ...I mean, I'll be giving Susie a belly rub.

Purrrrrrr.

DIAL M FOR MURDER (1954)

2011-12-27T21:51:00.009-06:00

Ray Milland has had about enough of his wife. He's found out that she's cheating on him and suddenly that Last Will and Testament where she left all of her considerable money to him is startin to look pretty good. He's not in a rush though, oh no, he's taken months to plan out the perfect murder and tonight while he's out at a dinner party with plenty of witnesses around his wife is going to be murdered at their home...but if you know anything about Hitchcock you know there's going to be a twist or two or maybe not.

From what I've read Hitchcock only did this film due to a contractual obligation, but I believe (I have zero proof of this) that Hitch was partially interested in turning the play into a film because nearly the entire movie takes place on a single set and he wanted to maybe use the experience as practice for his massive single set masterpiece he would make later that same year: REAR WINDOW. Don't quote me on that, it's just me thinking out loud.

Anyway, DMFM is a good film. It's nothing groundbreaking (even though some of the camerawork is very impressive), but it's good for a one time watch. One thing I did notice that impressed me was Grace Kelly's dresses change color as the film progressed and her situation became more dire. The first five pictures (after the poster) below show the progression. At first she is happy and her dress is crimson red, then a darker red, then white, gray and finally black.

Not the greatest Hitchcock film, but still a solid one that deserves to be seen.

Hitch cameo.

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE (2011)

2011-12-26T21:53:00.007-06:00

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE is a nice horror movie to watch while laying in bed trying to fall asleep. A college professor receives a mysterious package in the mail. Inside is a metal glove along with a hand drawn map of the bowels of the college. After some searching, her assistants find another mysterious box that when opened reveals a ancient severed head of an banshee. Suddenly the head comes alive screams a superloud scream and explodes into dust. Now everybody who heard the scream is cursed and the banshee monster is out to kill them. Of course nobody knows that, but they figure it out soon enough when they start showing up dead.

The idea is fine, it kinda reminds me of PRINCE OF DARKNESS a little bit, but unlike PRINCE OF DARKNESS SOTB doesn't create an atmosphere of dread or do anything original (that bug creature freaked me the fuck out!). SOTB is strictly by the numbers and that's it's main problem: we've already seen all of this before. If you are going to have a horror movie with a bland story idea then you need separate yourself from the crowd by doing something unique whether it be ultraviolence or massive gore or lots of attractive actors/actresses getting naked or really witty dialogue...you need something!!! SOTB does none of those things. The actors do a good job with what they got, but there's zero nudity, zero gore, not very much blood, the banshee creature is silly looking and walks with that shaky seizure walk that I hate so much, Lance Henriksen doesn't even really show up until 75 minutes into the film and the special effects were a disaster.

I can't recommend it at all. If you need me I'll be in my room admiring James Parker's mustache in PRINCE OF DARKNESS...well, that sounded much gayer than I intended it to.

I hope to Satan that's a fat suit.

FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

2011-12-26T21:43:00.012-06:00

If this FRIGHT NIGHT was the first FRIGHT NIGHT ever made, I doubt many people would've been clamoring for a remake...come to think of it, I can't remember anybody clamoring for a remake of the original! Oh well, the damage is done so let's give it a shot and see what they've done. Who knows maybe it's awesome...

...it's not. The film opens with a vampire killing a family. The scene is so vague and brief that I could barely even register what was happening. Next we are introduced to Charley Brewster, an average teen with an unaveragely pretty girlfriend (well at least that's one improvement over the original!). Charley's normal life is turned upside down when his friend, Evil Ed, informs him that his new neighbor is a vampire...already this movie is diverging so much from the original that it might as well just be a completely new story all together. Anyway, so once Charley discovers his neighbor is a vampire he contacts a local celebrity, Peter Vincent, for help. Peter is no longer a funny and pathetic and loveable horror movie host. Instead he's a cocky magician that comes off like a bizarre lovechild of Criss Angel and Russell Brand. Ugh, you know what? Who fucking cares? As a remake FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) is garbage, but as a stand alone vampire film it's OK.

The whole thing comes off more like an episode of a TV show than it does a movie. Gone are the enjoyable characters from the original, instead they've been replaced with forgettable characters. Gone are the awesome actors that brought those characters to life, instead they've been replaced with actors that seem to be happy with just turning in an passable performance. Gone are the awesome special effects, instead they've been replaced with middle-of-the-road CGI. Gone is the tightly written script that masterfully mixed horror and campy humor, instead it's been replace with a generic script that masterfully mixes boredom and light blasphemy.

Wow. This review ended up a little more negative than I intended it to be, but I really love FRIGHT NIGHT and even though this remake wasn't bad, it does not deserve to be called FRIGHT NIGHT. If you're so out of it you didn't even realize this was a remake then you'll probably like this film, but if, like me, you hold the original close to your heart then you'll probably do best to watch it once and then promptly forget it. I know I will.

Part 1
Part 2

Look at that chick's face. LOL.

Easily the highlight of the movie.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (2011)

2011-12-23T08:51:00.012-06:00

Back in 1931, Edward (somehow completely immune from sunlight) is training to be a veterinarian. On the day that he's to take is exam his parents (obviously adopted parents since he had been a vampire for over 10 years at this point in his life) die in a car wreck. Edward is very sad and just starts walking. Eventually he ends up on a train with a bunch of roughnecks. He doesn't use his vampire strength and instead just goes with the flow to see where this leads him. Ends up he's on a circus train and since he knows a lot about animals he's given the job as the circus vet.

That's all well and good until he sees the star attraction (and the boss's wife), Reese Witherspoon, the horse rider. Reese is immediately taken in by Edward's animal magnetism and he with her, but they keep it quite. Turns out that Reese's husband is quite the asshole and rules the circus like a dictator, even resorting to tossing workers off the moving train if he can't afford to pay them. Soon an elephant joins the circus and Reese and Edward are commissioned to create an act around the elephant that will save the circus from financial ruin. You can only guess what happens next.

I liked this movie. For a trimmed down novel adaptation (I'm totally guessing that the novel was more detailed and had better character development), WFE was an enjoyable film and I liked it. But I do have a few suggestions for any time traveling filmmakers looking to go back and remake the movie: 1. different director. Bring in somebody that can create a richer feel to the story. Ang Lee for example. The guy who learned his trade by making Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears music videos ain't cutting it. 2. slightly darker tone. Nothing evil, but make the boss character scarier. He was an asshole, but I never felt threatened by him. 3. create a greater sense of danger for the elephant. There was some abuse portrayed, but if at least it had been implied to be worse the audience would have been drawn in further. 4. replace Reese Witherspoon with Bella. I like Reese Witherspoon as an actress, but here she was too old for the character and there was zero onscreen chemistry between her and Edward. 5. where's the sex?! this is suppose to be a romance movie, but there wasn't even a sex scene! I'm not saying there should be a 30 minute porno scene in the middle of the movie, but it'd be nice if there was some steamy stuff to get your juices flowing. I'm thinking THE LOVER or LUST, CAUTION (oh hey, look, Ang Lee again).

Worth watching if you enjoy Hollywoodized romantic movies, but over all, even thought the story is interesting, it's too tame for it's own good.

Oh shit! It's Hal Holbrook!

Oh shit! It's Ken Foree!

DEEP IMPACT (1998)

2011-12-23T08:27:00.008-06:00

Ah yes, "The Great Asteroid/Comet Battle of 1998". DEEP IMPACT vs. ARMAGEDDON. Who could forget it? It was almost as exciting as "The Great Volcano Battle of 1997"!

One quiet evening some young amateur astronomers are looking up at the sky when what do they see but a gigantic comet headed straight for Earth! Holy fook!!! It's actually not that straightforward, but soon enough word gets out that we're all going to die and everyone goes bonkers...dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! But wait! Humanity has one last chance to survive (so cops can carry on bashing in the faces of the innocent and religions can carry on exploiting the simple-minded) in the form of a huge spaceship filled with oh so brave astronauts that is going to travel out to the comet, drill holes, insert bombs and explode that bitch! There's also a side story about a national lottery that will give a very small percentage of the American population access to a newly build bomb shelter that will survive the impact.

Compared to ARMAGEDDON DI is much more serious and in some ways a better film, but at the same time ARMAGEDDON was so goddamn stupid it ended up being more entertaining. If I had to choose between the two films I would have to go with ARMAGEDDON just because it's funny and action-packed whereas DEEP IMPACT is kind of a bummer and President Morgan Freeman's endless heartfelt speeches made me want to fucking vomit!

Zero nudity, zero Aerosmith songs, touching moments overload, 90's level CGI destruction, good pacing, forgettable acting by everybody. Entertaining, especially the first half, but the ratio of sappy emotional moments vs. destruction was way off. Nice enough watch, but I'll never fucking ever watch it again.

MANIAC (1980)

2011-12-23T08:16:00.011-06:00

A potbellied loner spends his nights prowling around NYC looking for women to murder so he can scalp them and nail their hair on one of his many mannequins. That's pretty much the entire story, but what makes MANIAC unique is the genuinely creepy performance by Joe Spinell and the (almost) documentary style it's filmed.

I'm sure audiences back in 1980 were shocked by this gritty slasher, but I'd be willing to bet that first time viewers nowadays, especially after hearing all the hype around MANIAC's cult status, would be surprised at how boring it actually is. The one stand out scene (the shotgun scene) is fucking awesome, but other than that the rest of the film is kinda slow. Zero nudity, very little blood, very little gore, painfully low budget and although Spinell is creepy looking I'd be more worried about catching a disease from him than anything else.

Worth watching to see what all the hype is about, but don't get your hopes up too high. Double feature it with NEKROMANTIK for a night of 80's shockers that aren't really that shocking anymore.

Oh shit! It's Tom Savini!

Who's the woman on the poster?

THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL (1962)

2011-12-22T23:00:00.007-06:00

After an evening at the opera a group of high society snobs gather at the palatial mansion of Mr. and Mrs. Noble for a lavish dinner party. Later in the evening, when the party should be winding down, nobody leaves the room because nobody can leave the room. There's no mention made of the fact, instead they all make inconsequential pretexts to stay. It's like there's and invisible barrier holding everybody in. The servants have already left and now it's just the rich elitists shipwrecked in their own in private prison. Over time they begin to starve and revert back to almost cavemen.

As far as critical analysis goes I think the guy who paid for the film, producer Gustavo Alatriste, said it best: "I don't understand a thing in it. It's marvelous!" I agree. It's not a perfect film (no film - besides UGETSU - is) and it's not for everybody, but it is marvelous all the same. If you are into the finer side of Cinema then I recommend it. Or if you're into watching completely mindless garbage then there's always AX'EM.

As far as any symbolism goes this is what Bunuel himself had to say:

"I have not introduced a single symbol into the film, and those who hope for a thesis work from me, a work with a message, may keep on hoping! It is open to doubt whether EL ANGEL EXTERMINADOR is capable of interpretation. Everyone has the right to interpret it as he wishes. There are some who give it an interpretation that is solely erotico-sexual, others political. I would give it rather a historico-social interpretation. But when critics at the Cannes press conference asked Juan Luis why there is a bear in the film, wandering through the smart party, he answered, "Because my father likes bears." It's true. There are those who interpret the bear as the Soviet Union about to devour the bourgeoisie. That is nonsense. Then they asked him what was the meaning of the repetitions of shots in the film. I had anticipated this and told Juan Luis: "Answer that when I finished the film I decided it was still short, so to lengthen it..." People always want an explanation to everything. It is the consequence of centuries of bourgeois education. And for everything for which they cannot find an explanation, they resort in the last instance to God. But what is the use of that to them? Eventually they have to explain God."

Mic clearly visible.

Oh shit! It's Silvia Pinal!

FROM HELL (2001)

2011-12-20T16:25:00.007-06:00

On a scale of 0 - 10 I'd give FROM HELL a solid 4.5. The story of Jack the Ripper is one of the greatest in all of serial killer history, but yet the makers of this movie somehow figured out a way to make it dry and boring, even with an talented an actor as Johnny Depp in the main role.

Depp plays a police inspector who is aided by psychic visions (say what?), he also likes to "chase the dragon" with the help of opium and absinthe. Depp is not surprised when the first murder happens because he saw it all in a dream. The victim is a prostitute and as Depp delves deeper into the mystery he discovers that there is a organized conspiracy afoot! He also discovers that he would like to delve deep into hooker Heather Graham.

That's all well and good (even though I'm not much of a believer in the cult conspiracy theory), but the overall feel of the movie is just wrong. It feels like a movie. Everything looks like a movie set and I wasn't drawn into the story for even a second. Blahhh, I'm tired of talking about this snoozer. Very little blood, zero gore, zero tits, zero tension, not dark or gritty at all, small amount of cleavage, nothing new to add to the Jack the Ripper story and a script so pathetic I'm actually surprised that this film even got made. Out of all of the hundreds of Jack the Ripper scripts that I'm sure are floating around Hollywood this was the best one?!! Bullshit. Skip it with a vengeance.

If you need me I'll be in my room reading Caleb Carr's masterful "The Alienist". Yes, I know it has nothing to do with the Jack the Ripper case, but it's still fucking awesome!

As gory as it gets.

If there was really cheap hookers like this (the one on the left) back in 1888 then I'm gonna go fire up the ol' time machine! BRB.

GOBLIN (2010)

2011-12-15T23:32:00.009-06:00

A family goes to visit a small town in the middle of nowhere because the father was invited to discuss a real estate deal. Unfortunately the town is fucking cursed due to a certain baby vs. bonfire incident way back in 1831 and now every Halloween a goblin (who incidentally looks nothing like the creature on the DVD cover above) rises from the still existing ashes of the bonfire and goes on the prowl for fresh baby meat.

Surprisingly GOBLIN was better than I expected it to be, then again I expected it to suck total fucking cock. I've walked by this DVD sitting on the shelf at the video store a number of times with zero intention of ever watching it, but my friend begged me to watch it with her so she could "listen to me rag on it"...well, I can do that easy enough. I mean, who am I to deny somebody the chance to bask in the glowing glow of my glowy genius?! And I'm happy to announce I did get off a number of legendary zingers, but I don't think I created any timeless classics mainly due to the fact GOBLIN was kinda bland.

The acting and production values were better than it really should have been and the story had a surprising amount of twists and turns to keep the viewer interested. The main problem is the goblin itself was fucking stupid. For the majority of the film he just ran around in a oversized black Slanket and clawed people to death, then at the end when he's finally unveiled in all his CGI glory he looked fucking retarded!

Interesting low-budget horror, but with zero nudity, very little blood/gore and an unappealing monster I really can't recommend it. It's not bad, but there just so many other superior horror movie out there that I can't with a clean conscience recommend you spend your time watching GOBLIN...unless of course you have a hot chick with you who's turned on by snarky commentary. =P

I've seen werewolves with smaller fucking eyebrows!

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

2011-12-14T14:00:00.013-06:00

This will probably come as a surprise to no one since I think no one actually looks at this shitty site, but I don't know jack about the Planet of the Apes. I remember seeing the first film when I was very young, but I only remember bits and pieces. The Statue of Liberty, Charlton Heston snarling and yelling and eventually singing something about Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius. So I can't really compare this to the original, but liked this film. It starts with some scientists trying out some experimental drugs on some chimpanzees. Stuff happens and the chimps are put down, but the lead scientist (James Frano) discovers a baby chimp hidden in the smartest chimp's cage. James sneaks the chimp, named Caesar, home and is surprised when he discovers his mother passed down the effects of the drugs down to her child. Within a few years Caesar is smarter than all of the fans of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" combined!!! That's right, he has an I.Q. of at least 85!!!

As he gets older Caesar loves James, but he is troubled by his role as a "pet". After an unfortunate event he is sent to a primate sanctuary ran by some sadistic assholes. It's there that Caesar comes to understand the role of apes in a human world. After his spirit is broken by his mistreatment and his mistaken belief that James as abandoned him, Caesar becomes determined to lead his fellow apes to a better life.

I liked this movie a lot, but wish it had been darker and a little more epic. I understand that Caesar doesn't want a violent revolution, he just wants to live in peace, but I'm really hoping that Part 2 is violent as shit. That would be awesome! Apes just going fucking nuts and killing the shit out of humans. Ripping out intestines. Even without the violence I liked the story and it looks to be the beginning of a very promising series. As far as the "epic" comment goes there are a few scenes (I won't say as to not ruin the film) that probably looked epic as fuck in the script but didn't transition that way on the screen. Still the script was very good, the acting was great and the apes effects were especially impressive and I loved Caesar, he looked awesome and expressed a lot of emotions with just simple facial gestures. The scene where he was separated from James was goddamn heartbreaking. I'm not bullshitting. I actually got a little tearful. Not the park scene in UMBERTO D. tearful, but still my eyes were moist. I didn't like it.

Recommended, especially if you are antihuman, but even if not it's still highly entertaining and I think I might need to do some catching up on this entire series.

For the love of Satan, I nearly lost it right about here.

Ape on pig violence. Yes!

THE DEBT (2010)

2011-12-14T13:55:00.005-06:00

In 1966, three spies (two males, one female) were sent undercover into East Berlin to hunt down and kidnap an infamous Nazi war criminal. Naturally, being young and sexy the three spies cannot resist their primal urges to knock boots. This lack of discipline ends up fucking their entire mission, so they do the next best thing and just lie about it. Hell, I could do that! Did I ever tell you about how back when I was a spy in Vietnam I accidentally found Hitler alive and teaching sign language at a school for limbless blind children? Just to be safe I C4'ed the entire school and the entire village surrounding it. True story. Anyway, in 1997 word comes out that the Nazi dude is still alive so Helen Mirren (the older version of the 1966 spy) has to locate and kill him in order to pay her "debt".

Ehh, interesting story, but the jumping from 1966 to 1997 back and forth nonstop was uncalled for and irritating. I would rather just here the story from beginning to end. I think all of the jumping stuff was just the filmmakers trying to cover up the fact there was only like 45 minutes worth of actual story in this 113 minute movie. Another thing that confused my simple little brain was the two guys back in 1966, I had a hard time figuring out which was which. They looked a lot a like and neither resembled their 1997 versions. I finally figured it out, but even then it was still distracting. Of the three, I guess, the female was suppose to be the character the viewer sympathized with, but she came off almost like an emotion robot.

Oh well, OK film with an interesting story, just badly executed. I would like to see what Roman Polanski could do with the same story. Worth watching, but don't expect anything life changing or really anything you'll even remember in three months time. As for me, I will never watch it ever again.

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)

2011-12-12T17:46:00.013-06:00

One of the biggest misconceptions about SINGIN' IN THE RAIN by people who've never seen it is it's just a hundred and three minutes of people yodelin into the camera like lovesick Howler monkeys, but actually this movie is very funny and filled with clever jokes. "Cosmo, call me a cab." "OK, you're a cab." LOL.

The film opens at a huge movie premiere featuring two of Hollywood's biggest stars, Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly) and Lina Lamont. The rumor mags are filled with stories about them being in love in real life, but in reality Don can't fucking stand Lina because she's actually a vile, simple-minded snake. Don started out just helping out around the studio and Lina treated him like shit...until he became a star. The public knows none of this and so Don's lets them believe the illusion. Things are going pretty good until one night at a party a girl that Don has fallen for (played by Debbie Reynolds) accidentally hits Lina in the face with a cake. Lina has her fired and Don is furious with her. This really puts a strain on their working relationship and to make matters even worse the Talkies hit and now they have to actually talk and sing in their movies! Lina has a voice like fingernails on a chalkboard so the studio, at Don's suggestion, hires Debbie Reynolds to be the singing voice for Lina. All kinds of stuff happens next.

Through all of that there is one fantastic musical number after another. Every single one is a classic, but if I had to choose a favorite my pick would be the shortest one: "All I Do is Dream of You". I'm not sure why, but I just love it to death. Woody Allen even used it in one of my favorite movies of all time: CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS. Honestly though, if you were to pick any other song I would agree with you also.

The script for SINGIN' IN THE RAIN is brilliant. There's tons of funny lines, the story is imaginative and the pacing is perfect. This movie flies by and when it's done you just want to watch it again...so naturally it didn't win fucking shit at the Academy Awards. Nothing, not even Best Music. Bunch of geniuses over there.

I cannot recommend SITR enough. It really is one of the greatest Musicals of all time, if not the greatest and it's extremely influential. If you consider yourself a serious student of Cinema then SINGIN' IN THE RAIN is required viewing. "She's so refined. I think I'll kill myself."

THE DEVIL'S DOUBLE (2011)

2011-12-07T12:47:00.006-06:00

Awesome idea for a movie: a soldier in the Iraqi army is forced to be Uday Hussein's body double. If he refuses his entire family will be tortured and killed. Reluctantly, he accepts and has his face surgically changed to be exactly the same as Uday's. He lives with Uday and studies all of his mannerisms so he can be his political double as well, making speeches and television appearances. Through all of this he begins to see to full extent of just how fucked things are and he believes that Uday might really be insane. He has to escape.

I loved the idea for this movie and was quite excited about it. I was expecting it to be extremely violent and vile like a SCARFACE centered around a dictator with endless power and no sense of right or wrong, only greed. Instead there was hardly any violence at all and most of the nasty things that happened were implied or just barely touched on. I never got a complete sense of hopelessness and terror that you would expect in a story like this. Saddam Hussein was a complete asshole who had zero problem ordering the massacre of hundreds of thousands of men, women and children and here you got a story about a innocent guy forced to live side-by-side with this monster's son and be the double of a guy who has a private torture chamber and rapes and murders women and children as sport, so you would expect this movie to be more depressing than the fish aisle at Wal-Mart, but instead it was just meh.

After watching the film I discovered this was supposedly based on a true story and there's even a book about it, but I can't even find it on Amazon, so I don't know. The idea is fascinating and I would love to read a well-written book on the subject of dictator's body/political doubles. As far as the movie goes, it's worth watching. I was entertained the entire time even though I was wishing for something rawerer. Dominic Cooper's dual performance alone is worth the price of admission.

If I was super rich I would like to do film experiments where I give somebody like say Harmony Korine 50 million or a 100 million to make a film about interesting subjects like this just to see what happens. Complete freedom, no time constraints or content restraints just make a entertaining movie.

COWBOYS & ALIENS (2011)

2011-12-07T12:36:00.005-06:00

Hollywood cowboys vs. Hollywood aliens.

Cowboy Daniel Craig wakes up in the middle of nowhere. He has amnesia and some metal contraption clamped on his left wrist. Before he can even get his bearings three scruffy looking dudes ride up and start talking shit. Craig beats the crap out of them and kills them, so obviously he knows how to fight. He takes a horse and travels into the nearest town where it becomes apparent that he is a wanted criminal. After some more fighting he's arrested and then while being loaded up into the paddy wagon aliens attack! So the aliens swoop in an blast a lot of buildings and lasso some city folk and head off with them. During the attack the metal device on Craig's arm activates and he uses it to shoot down one of the alien vehicles. The next morning, Craig joins a posse and they head off in search of those gal durn aliens who dunn tuk der women folk and men folk.

With a title like COWBOYS & ALIENS I was expecting the film to be a little campy, like TREMORS, but instead C&A comes across like it almost wanted to be serious! I think. What the fuck do I know? But with the torture scene, the deaths, the alien experiments, the ominous lighting and the semi-gritty tone, I think it was going for serious. Even worse than the mixed tone signals is the slow pace. Jesus Christ, I was damn near going into a coma waiting for something to happen and then when it did...it was still boring!!! And who came up wit the idea of gold rustling, shell-less turtle aliens? WTF?!!! Ahhhh, fuck it. Watch the movie if you want, it's not horrible just completely lacking in imagination and cleverness. I could have written a better script than this soulless snoozer without even breaking a sweat. If you need me I'll be in my room watching TREMORS, THE LAST STARFIGHTER, OBLIVION 2: BACKLASH and old episodes of "The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers" and fucking "BraveStarr".

Is this shot a nod to THE SEARCHERS?

MYSTERIOUS SKIN (2004)

2011-12-05T20:01:00.017-06:00

Sadly, I've never read the novel this film is based on, but I can't see how it can be anything short of a masterpiece because this film is a masterpiece. Opening with the slow-motion shot of Fruit Loops falling on the face of a smiling boy, we're next introduced to Brian, a teenager who recounts to us how as a small boy he lost several hours of his life due to being kidnapped by aliens at a baseball game and was then found later bleeding in a closet of his house. Now as a teenager he's fascinated by aliens. Next is Neil, he's the same age as Brian but a world apart as far as personalities go. He tells us how, at age 8, he used to jack off watching his mother with her various boyfriends and gaze and lust over the men in her Playboy magazines. Then he met Coach. Coach was the handsome coach of the boy's baseball team and he had a mustache that was so manly and awesome that it could tame an army of a thousand purring kittens. At first sight, Neil was in love with him. Soon after he allowed himself to be seduced by Coach. Then came Brian.

From the very beginning of the film you know what happened, but the script and the acting by everybody (especially by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Chase Ellison) is so strong that even after multiple viewings I still find myself almost hypnotized by the screen. Neil is now a male prostitute and secure in his homosexuality and molestation as a child. He even has pictures and recordings of the events. Brian though is living in a complete dream world and he's broken. He cannot function in reality. Obsessing endlessly over aliens he thinks more and more about the events leading up to the abduction when he suddenly remembers there was another boy there, but he can't remember who he was. He decides to find out this boy was.

MYSTERIOUS SKIN isn't for everybody's tastes. It's vile at moments and perverse, but how can it not be with such a sickening subject matter? In fact, I wish it had gone even further. That aside, everything about this film is fantastic. The script, the acting, the tone, pace, cinematography, direction. Even days after my latest viewing I still find myself thinking about it and how brilliantly the story was told. MYSTERIOUS SKIN could almost be compared to RASHOMON in it's differing accounts of a shared event. Honestly, I cannot recommend it enough.