CHAW (2009)

Do you know why somebody would rent a movie about a giant killer boar terrorizing a small mountain town? To see a giant killer boar terrorizing a small mountain town. Not, I repeat not, to spend well over a hour of the 121-minute running time watching the lame locals talk and talk and talk about their lame lives and their lame thoughts on what's killing people and then finally their lame idea on how to kill the giant CG boar that's running so stealthily through the forest that we don't even see it completely for first 57 minutes.

To make a long story short, a giant boar is running around the mountains outside a small village. It kills a few people, so a group of big game hunters are brought in to kill it. They and the local cops talk a lot and wander around in the woods forever until they finally confront the giant boar and then exactly like the giant boar fight in RAZORBACK they have a final showdown in a large warehouse building. The End. I was happy for the first few minutes then things just kept going on and on and on with no action and completely needless side stories (the police officer's mother, the old folktale about a giant boar) until finally I was praying for the end.

Not a horrible movie (there were a few humorous scenes), but it's way too long. Zero tits, no gore, very little blood. Skip it. Watch TREMORS or JAWS again instead.

What is up with that dude's pants?!!

DEATH SPA (1988)

[Update 09/19/2022: Rewatched the film last night. Just deleted the old review and working on fixing the pictures. Will write a new review soon. I hope.]

"...I'm Beta and you're VHS."

THE GREAT BANDIT (1963)

I have no idea what the proper title for this movie is. My DVD has SAMURAI PIRATE printed on it, but the movie itself says THE GREAT BANDIT. But then IMBb and the poster above say THE LOST WORLD OF SINBAD which makes no sense because nobody in the movie was called Sinbad and there wasn't any lost world. I'm going to go what it has onscreen.

Most people only know Toshiro Mifune from his 16 Kurosawa films, but he also made a metric shitload of other movies including this one in which he's a pirate who at the beginning of the movie has his ship destroyed by a storm. He (and his treasure chest) are floating along on a big piece of wood when he's overtaken by the dreaded Black Pirate. The pirates steal his booty and leave him adrift. He wakes up many days later on a beach. A hermit with magical powers has been taking care of him. Toshiro goes to the nearest town where he sees a beautiful princess and learns that the kingdom has been taken over by some asshole. He decides that ain't cool, so he sets off to the castle to get to the bottom of this shit.

There's lots of interesting moments (evil witch turning people into stone, good wizard dude turning himself into a fly so he can spy, Toshiro flying around on a giant hang glider), but over all it got pretty boring pretty quick. Personally I have no desire to ever see it again and I was actually disappointed in it. I guess I was expecting something more along the lines of the "Sinbad" movies from the 50's and 70's.

Worth watching, I guess, if you're a huge Mifune fan but don't expect to be impressed.

Takashi Shimura! Onscreen for probably 5 seconds total.

INSEMINOID (1981)

[Update 08/03/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

This movie sucked.

A team of scientists are exploring a distant alien planet when they discover a ancient tomb, they poke around and somehow awaken a creature that kills a dude and then rapes an ugly chick. Once back at the lab, the ugly chick goes batshit and starts killing everybody in very boring ways. Yawn.

I don't want to give too much away (just in case your bored enough to watch this turkey), but whatever happened to the creature that raped the chick? Also, if it's -145 degrees outside why does blood splatter and how come it doesn't even look cold outside? I'm a idiot for even worrying about things like that. For Satan's sake, later on when the crazy lady flips over a computer control station it falls apart and you can see the entire thing is just painted wood with nothing inside it. Fuck this movie. Very boring and not even good for a laugh. If you want to see an ALIEN rip off you'd be better off watching CREATURE.

Maybe I'll revisit this film in a few years when I'm in a better mood.

What the inside of a station on an alien planet might look like.

What an alien penis might look like.