Monday, November 22, 2010

SPLICE (2009)

I don't even know where to begin with this one. After sitting through this genetically mutated turkey twice just to make sure I didn't miss something the first time, I've come to the conclusion that I straight up don't give a fuck about this movie. At all.

Ultra cool and hip genetic scientists Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are butthurt when the pharmaceutical giant they work for orders them to move the direction of their work (from animal DNA splicing to drug creation), so they simply say fuck that and go off in an even crazier direction: splicing human and animal DNA.  Naturally, that works out perfectly and they create world peace and cure terminal butt cancer.  Dogs and cats living together.  Hell no.  Instead, things instantly go to shit when they create a freaky Chicken McNugget-looking creature that Adrien Brody soon has sex with.  The End.

Other stuff happens, but none of it's important. I probably missed something due to my increasingly loud yawning. Watch it, if you want, I don't give a shit. Just don't blame me when you fall asleep, then fall off the sofa and dislocate all yo shit.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

SEDUCED AND ABANDONED (1964)

[Update 03/28/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Similiar in spirit to Pietro Germi's DIVORCE - ITALIAN STYLE, SEDUCED AND ABANDONED looks a lot like D-IS and has some of the same actors, but it's not a sequel. And even though it does have some very funny parts it's not a comedy, more of a dark satire about family honor and the Italian society's gender based double standard when it comes to sex.

A fifteen year-old girl played by Stefania Sandrelli is forcefully seduced by her older sister's fiancee. Now she's pregnant and when her father finds out...holy shit. He freaks the fuck and beats the shit out of her and locks her in her room. He confronts the scoundrel who knocked her up and demands that he marries Stefania, but he says no because she's no longer a virgin!  What the hell? After this, an even bigger feud erupts and before long the entire town is involved. It's chaos. Wonderful chaos.

If you liked DIVORCE - ITALIAN STYLE then you must watch this movie. It's a lot like it. My only complaint is the ending. It's too abrupt and doesn't give the viewer any closure. Everything it going along great bam, bam, bam then The End. That's just a small complaint though. Don't let it stop you from watching it.