Sunday, May 1, 2016

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN (2005)

"You're putting the pussy on a pedestal."

Steve Carell is a 40 year-old guy who seems to be perfectly happy with his asexual existence.  He has a nice apartment, tons of neat stuff, tons of free time to spend on his numerous hobbies.  He eats healthy, gets plenty of sleep, exercises daily.  In other words, he's somehow escaped the bullshit belief that you must be in a relationship to be happy.  That is until his co-workers find out that he's a virgin and there's no way in Hell that they are going to allow this obscene display of freedom and happiness to continue.

When you think about it too much THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN almost sounds like a horror movie, but it's actually a comedy and a pretty funny one...as long as you don't think about how much Carell's character is destroying his life.  Steve works at an electronics store and the scenes with his co-workers are the best parts of the movie.  They're a vulgar and unhappy bunch and pretty much everything they say is just a string of cursing.  It's amusing.  The romance scenes later on are lame and depressing.  I don't understand why he had to get married.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN's overall story is predictable, but the co-worker characters deliver a lot of laughs.  Not enough to make me forget that Steve traded in his freedom, his personal identity and massive toy collection in exchange for busting nuts with a immature single grandmother!  The toy collection thing really pissed me off.  He's been collecting these things since he was a child and now suddenly just because his co-worker's pressured him into having sex, it somehow snowballs into him getting married and selling off all of his stuff!  Whatever.  This guy's a fucking idiot.

What the filmmakers should do is make a dark as fook Part 2 where it's 10 - 15 years down the road and Steve is at his lawyer's office going over the paperwork to see how much his bank account is going to shrink when he looks over and see's that the divorce lawyer is the guy who bought all of his toys on eBay.  Steve snaps and starts murdering everybody.

If you need me, I'll be in the alligator fuck house.

NSFW screenshots

Why is it Boner Jams 03'?  Shouldn't the ' be before the 03?  Boner Jams '03.

Was this scene a nod to CANDY?  I'm actually serious.  I'm sure I'll never find out, but it's placement in the film and he way it looks is a lot like that scene in CANDY.

This calendar only has 6-day weeks.

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976)

Well..that's 83 minutes I'll never get back.

Kinda like a strange variation of REPULSION co-written by Charles Manson and a pirate, THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA is the slow-moving story of a troubled woman named Molly who, thanks to her dad raping her 24/7 when she was a kid (He even died while raping her!!!), is now a heavy drinkin', pill poppin' adult that has a nasty habit of hooking up with men she sees on television...and cutting their balls off!!!

You would think that with a gruesome story like that that this film would escalate into a finale of blood, nudity and gore. But, sadly, no.  Things actually slowed down as the movie goes on until the long-winded ending that drug on forever.

I could see that the filmmakers were trying to make a film about a highly disturbed woman who equates sex with death, but as a drama the main character is too unsympathetic (also all of her victims were innocent people) and as a horror film the whole thing is way too talky and lightweight.

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA is not a bad movie, just a boring one with no payoff.  Skip it.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

After the "James Bond in space" lunacy of MOONRAKER, I guess the filmmakers wanted to get back to a more traditional spy story with this next installment, so they opened the film up with Bond using a helicopter to dump a guy in a wheelchair down a giant smokestack.

After murdering a disabled guy, Bond is ordered to retrieve a Top Secret Navy device called the Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC) that was recently lost in a boat accident off the coast of Greece.  And he can use any means necessary...even if it means having premarital sex!!!

So off to Greece (or somewhere) he goes and before you can say "Superspy snizz." James has blown up a Lotus, crashed a prostitute pool party, banged some chick, went skiing, went diving, got shot at a bunch of times, crashed another car, turned down some pussy, climbed a mountain, ate dinner with that one guy from "Game of Thrones", got gawked at by that one guy from the other Bond movies, had a motorcycle thrown at him, gets attacked by some hockey players, hung out with a parrot, gets attacked by goons in dune buggies and has a gun pointed at him by that other guy from "Game of Thrones".  It's all very...expected, but still amusing.

As far as Bond films go I actually liked this one.  Although I'm still confused as to why he turned down the pussy by that one chick.  She was pretty hot.  Oh well, it's still worth a watch for spy movie fans.

Three thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)