Thursday, December 15, 2011

GOBLIN (2010)

A family goes to visit a small town in the middle of nowhere because the father was invited to discuss a real estate deal. Unfortunately the town is fucking cursed due to a certain baby vs. bonfire incident way back in 1831 and now every Halloween a goblin (who incidentally looks nothing like the creature on the DVD cover above) rises from the still existing ashes of the bonfire and goes on the prowl for fresh baby meat.

Surprisingly GOBLIN was better than I expected it to be, then again I expected it to suck total fucking cock. I've walked by this DVD sitting on the shelf at the video store a number of times with zero intention of ever watching it, but my friend begged me to watch it with her so she could "listen to me rag on it"...well, I can do that easy enough. I mean, who am I to deny somebody the chance to bask in the glowing glow of my glowy genius?! And I'm happy to announce I did get off a number of legendary zingers, but I don't think I created any timeless classics mainly due to the fact GOBLIN was kinda bland.

The acting and production values were better than it really should have been and the story had a surprising amount of twists and turns to keep the viewer interested. The main problem is the goblin itself was fucking stupid. For the majority of the film he just ran around in a oversized black Slanket and clawed people to death, then at the end when he's finally unveiled in all his CGI glory he looked fucking retarded!

Interesting low-budget horror, but with zero nudity, very little blood/gore and an unappealing monster I really can't recommend it. It's not bad, but there just so many other superior horror movie out there that I can't with a clean conscience recommend you spend your time watching GOBLIN...unless of course you have a hot chick with you who's turned on by snarky commentary. =P
I've seen werewolves with smaller fucking eyebrows!