WILD WILD WEST (1999)

Wild, wild West. Motherfuckin’ wild, wild West.

Way back ye olde steampunk alternate reality 1869, there lived a US Marshal by the name of Jim West (Will Smith). One fine bright and sunny day, (after punching a handicap guy, pointing a gun at a crossdresser, burning down a whorehouse, flashing a group of men and shooting a hole into the ceiling of the Oval Office) Smith is teamed up with fellow US Marshal Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) and assigned, by President Grant, to investigate the disappearances of America's leading scientists. For some unexplained reason, the two men are instantly very competitive towards each other and after a horse / penny-farthing race, Kline hits Smith in the head with a cartoonishly large hammer. They soon put their differences aside long enough to play with a decapitated human head and then touch each other’s breasts. After fondling each other, they sneak into a party put on by the evil, Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh), and search for clues. Finally, around the 50-minute mark they wind up in the wild, wild West.

I like WILD WILD WEST. I’ve seen it many times over the years and it’s always good for a chuckle. It’s by no means a good movie, but it is entertaining in a silly kind of way. And sometimes that’s all you need. Overacting, absolutely illogical and unbelievable inventions, cartoon physics all over the place, plot holes galore, clunky script, villains who graduated with honors from The James Bond Movie Villain School of Murder, impressive supporting cast full of familiar faces, flamethrower titties, cringey dialogue that is nothing more than thinly veiled insults about race and the handicap (Example: Branagh mentions that Smith adds “color” to the party, Smith replies to the legless Branagh about needing to “stand up and be counted”, Branagh then replies about not seeing Smith for a “coon’s age”, etc. It just kept going on and was painful to watch. All of that shit should have been cut.), a steam powered wheelchair, titty punch, goofy direction, disappointing end boss fight, a Jason Voorhees sighting, strange editing, one death that literally made zero sense to me ('Metal Head'), vapor trails in the sky, RCA dog reference, abrupt ending that left me wanting more…even at 106-minutes, WWW could have 10 minutes longer and benefited greatly. The pacing of the entire film just felt rushed.

Despite its many shortcomings, WILD WILD WEST is still a fun film that somehow finds its way into my handsome eyeballs once or twice a year and I always watch the entire thing. I’d gladly accept a Part 2 if they ever made it.  Or a reboot.  Hell, if there was enough extra footage laying around, I'd be interested in seeing a complete re-edit.

P.S. Nice horse!

MEN IN BLACK (1997)

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."

One fine evening, NYPD officer Will Smith is out chasing some busta all over the place.  Jumping off a bridge, hardcore parkouring off a Central Park wall, climbing and running all over the Guggenheim Museum...but then, when he corners the busta, the dude has sideways eyelids!  That shit ain't right.  Ends up the dude is an alien from outer space and Will Smith soon finds himself to be the newest recruit of the super secretive Men in Black agency.  Which seems like a very sexist name for an agency, but whatever.  The job of the MIB is to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial threats and to regulate the aliens that are currently already here.

Old timer agent Tommy Lee Jones is tasked to show Will Smith the ropes.  Their first case is to track down a large illegal alien insect who recently landed in upstate New York and ate the insides of farmer Vincent D'Onofrio and is now walking around in his skin.  That's just nasty and kinda awesome, cause D'Onofrio does an amazing job of looking creepy as fook!  Ends up, insect D'Onofrio is looking for a small but powerful energy device called "The Galaxy" and will stop at nothing to find it.  Even if it means blowing up the entire planet.  Yikes!

MEN IN BLACK is an entertaining time-waster.  Good acting, interesting story that could have been a little bit darker, solid supporting cast, zero tension, dated special effects that still look okay, a cute dog, a cute cat, some not so cute roaches, an extremely depressing bit of dialogue, a Misfits t-shirt and, for whatever reason, the 98 minute runtime seems to go by very fast!  I honestly thought there was like another 20 minutes or so coming when the movie just...ended.  Recommended.

Part 2 - Men in Black II (2002)
Part 3 - Men in Black 3 (2012)
Part 4 - Men in Black: International (2019)