HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

"You go down on her...you're gonna be kissing the back of my head, cause I'm already gonna be there!"

Anybody with even a basic knowledge of "bad movies" knows what they are getting when they sit down to watch an Andy Sidaris joint: a ridiculous story filled with big guns, fat tits, exotic locations and goofy dialogue.  In other words...they're fucking awesome!!! 

This time around, the action is set in Hawaii (which truly is beautiful in this film), as some sexy female drug enforcement agents (who are working undercover as small cargo aircraft pilots) accidentally deliver a killer snake and then accidentally intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a local drug lord!  Talk about having a bad morning...better go get topless in the hot tub and think it over!

Steady pace, somebody shooting a large killer snake from 5 feet away with a rocket launcher inside a house (!!!), numerous topless scenes, some truly cringeworthy dialogue, eye-melting 80's fashions, cool 80's electronics, a middle-aged skateboarder doing a drive-by while holding an inflatable sex doll, crossdressing, medium pace, Andy Sidaris acting, throwing star-fu, nunchaku-fu, ninja hand claw-fu, somebody "smoking some heavy doobies" and a guy getting murdered with a frisbee!

If frisbee murder didn't grab your attention, then I don't know what will.  HTTH isn't the best movie of all time (or even a good movie!), but in the right frame of mind, it can be a lot of fun.  So grab some heavy doobies and check it out.

SAVAGE BEACH (1989)

Opening with a drug raid in Hawaii and then some much needed topless time in the hot tub, two female DEA agents then set out in a small plane to deliver some medicine for sick children on a remote island.  Along the way, they run into a storm that fucks up their plane and they end up landing on a deserted island.  Deserted, that is, except for the Japanese soldier who's been living there for over 40 years...and is still wearing the same clothes!!!  At the same time, an undercover CIA agent infiltrates a gang of assholes who are looking for lost Japanese WWII gold.  I think you can see where this is going.  That's right, they all end up on the same deserted island running around killing each other...and flirting.

As somebody who watched 69 million hours of late-night cable back in the 90's, I think I've seen about every low-budget sex/action movie there is and I've always had a soft (or should I say hard?) spot for the films of Andy Sidaris.  They are simply pure entertainment from beginning to end.  The stories are always crazy as hell and filled with amazing dialogue.  I love the scene in this film where the male DEA agent is delivering some new weapons to a female agent:

Male: "I want you to see this special equipment I have for you."

Female: "Well, we're pretty isolated here and I don't always get my share."

Male: "Are you comfortable with a big gun?"

Female: "They have their advantages."

Male: "This baby's larger than most anything around."

Female: "Well, I'm not as impressed with size...as I am with performance."

Male: "Once loaded and cocked, all you need is a steady hand on the barrel."

Quick pace, ridiculous story, lots of topless ladies, a low budget stretched a long way, interesting acting by a good cast, ancient computers, beautiful Hawaii scenery, horribly hilarious "old man" make-up, cocaine hidden in a pineapple, awesome 80's fashions, a quick Andy Sidaris appearance (the CB radio operator), tight t-shirts and short shorts.

These type of films aren't for everybody, but my life would be sadder without them.