HAIL, CAESAR! (2016)

Around a hour or so into HAIL, CAESAR! I thought to myself "What the hell is this movie?"  IMDb lists it as a "Comedy, Mystery", but there's nothing worth more than a smile throughout the entire thing and I have no idea what the mystery portion could have be.  Yeah, there's a kidnapping but we know who the kidnappers are right from the beginning!

Whatever.  Set in the early 1950's, HAIL, CAESAR! is the story of a Hollywood studio big wig (Josh Brolin) who spends all of his time taking care of production needs and keeping the various studio stars in line.  One day something big comes up when the main actor (George Clooney) in the studio's most expensive film disappears off the set.  Is he on a bender?  Shacked up with a dame?  Or maybe even kidnapped by Communists?  69'ing in the woods with a mountain lion?  Brolin has to get his star back while at the same time taking care of various other problems (pregnant single actress, miscast actor, a tempting job offer, etc), it's all very...blah.

I love classic Hollywood and I was excited to see a modern day film set back in 1950's Hollywood, but HAIL, CAESAR! is a dud.  It looks nice, but the story was all over the place with no true center or even likeable characters.  I kept waiting and waiting for something to develop, then I realized that the movie is already 3/4's done and it's still just flailing around like a boat lost in a storm.

With so much talent (both in front and behind the camera) I was expecting a delightful throwback mystery-comedy, kinda like the wonderful THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION, but that didn't happen.  Instead HAIL, CAESAR! simply putters along and leaves more questions than it answers.  On the bright side I really enjoyed the performances of Alden Ehrenreich and Veronica Osorio.  They were both great. Also, the lighting was nice.

Is that a white SUV off to the right?

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN (2005)

"You're putting the pussy on a pedestal."

Steve Carell is a 40 year-old guy who seems to be perfectly happy with his asexual existence.  He has a nice apartment, tons of neat stuff, tons of free time to spend on his numerous hobbies.  He eats healthy, gets plenty of sleep, exercises daily.  In other words, he's somehow escaped the bullshit belief that you must be in a relationship to be happy.  That is until his co-workers find out that he's a virgin and there's no way in Hell that they are going to allow this obscene display of freedom and happiness to continue.

When you think about it too much THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN almost sounds like a horror movie, but it's actually a comedy and a pretty funny one...as long as you don't think about how much Carell's character is destroying his life.  Steve works at an electronics store and the scenes with his co-workers are the best parts of the movie.  They're a vulgar and unhappy bunch and pretty much everything they say is just a string of cursing.  It's amusing.  The romance scenes later on are lame and depressing.  I don't understand why he had to get married.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN's overall story is predictable, but the co-worker characters deliver a lot of laughs.  Not enough to make me forget that Steve traded in his freedom, his personal identity and massive toy collection in exchange for busting nuts with a immature single grandmother!  The toy collection thing really pissed me off.  He's been collecting these things since he was a child and now suddenly just because his co-worker's pressured him into having sex, it somehow snowballs into him getting married and selling off all of his stuff!  Whatever.  This guy's a fucking idiot.

What the filmmakers should do is make a dark as fook Part 2 where it's 10 - 15 years down the road and Steve is at his lawyer's office going over the paperwork to see how much his bank account is going to shrink when he looks over and see's that the divorce lawyer is the guy who bought all of his toys on eBay.  Steve snaps and starts murdering everybody.

If you need me, I'll be in the alligator fuck house.

NSFW screenshots

Why is it Boner Jams 03'?  Shouldn't the ' be before the 03?  Boner Jams '03.

Was this scene a nod to CANDY?  I'm actually serious.  I'm sure I'll never find out, but it's placement in the film and he way it looks is a lot like that scene in CANDY.

This calendar only has 6-day weeks.