DEMOLITION MAN (1993)

"...shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-brained, duck-fucking..."

In 1996 things are going to be all kinds of fucked up. Crime rate through the roof, dogs and cats not living together, Will Smith having the #1 movie at the yearly box office…it’s going to be a real shitshow. Luckily though, we have bungee-jumping maniac cop, John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone), to save the day by going into a building to save some hostages after they’ve been murdered and then accidentally destroying the bodies by provoking the bad guy, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), into blowing up the building. Long story short, both Spartan and Phoenix get sentenced to lengthy stints in the new “California Cryo-Penitentiary”. Fast-forward to 2032 and the Los Angeles area is now a Pleasantville/1984-style hell paradise with zero crime, rat burgers and Dan Cortese playing piano at Taco Bell. It’s a real shitshow. Phoenix is thawed out for a parole hearing and promptly escapes, so thanks to being unable to deal with actual crime, the police also thaw out legendary crime fighter Spartan to help bring Phoenix to justice. It’s all just an elaborate excuse to have Stallone and Snipes beating the crap out of each other in the future…and it works because DEMOLITION MAN is fun from beginning to end.

Cheesy script, cheesy direction, campy dialogue, horrible subtitles on the DVD that are often incorrect, goofy prediction of what the future will be like, a brief Jack Black sighting, topless woman video calling the wrong number, a museum with functioning weapons, three seashells, ugly ass futuristic cars, a lot of dark coloured clothing, virtual sex, medium pace, mild violence, strong supporting cast, a disappointingly inconstant foul language counting machine, boring camerawork.

DEMOLITION MAN is very dated, but still a fun ride. Especially for fans of 1990's action movies. A good lazy afternoon time-waster. It might even be a good double-feature with the superior CLIFFHANGER, if you're in the mood for a little 1993-era Sylvester Stallone.

If you need me, I'll be in my room applying Baby Yoda Band-Aids to my battered butthole after an unfortunate seashell accident.

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998)

It didn't take long for this series to fall off. After the lamest dream intro in the history of 90's cheesy teen horror movie dream intros, we're told that Jennifer Love Hewitt is now in college and still haunted by the events of last summer...and the summer before that, if you want to get technical. She wins a radio contest and goes with three of her dork friends to a Caribbean resort. And guess who tagged along for the vacation? That's right the fisherman dude with the big hook.

The most shocking thing about ISKWYDLS is the budget was reportedly $65 million!!! The original only cost $17 million and you had goddamn Buffy in it! Where the hell did the money go cause it damn sure ain't onscreen. And don't tell me it was the location because CLUB DREAD was made in 2004 (with Mexico also doubling for The Caribbean) for only $8.5 million. Now that I think about it CLUB DREAD a better horror movie than ISKWYDLS and it was comedy! The kills were better, the bloodshed was better, there was some quality nudity and overall it just looked better.

Padded body count with lame kills, zero nudity, zero gore, stupid as hell plot twist, non-threatening killer, lots of pointless talking, karaoke singing, boring secondary story about Freddie Prinze, Jr., amusing supporting performance by Jack Black as a reefer smoker, Jeffery Combs, zero scares.  Worth watching to laugh at, but if you're looking for a genuine horror movie then skip it. If you need me I'll be in my room watching CLUB DREAD. "Do you wanna get drilled by Manny?"

Part 1 - I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
Part 3 - I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)