THE FIRM (1993)

Law student Tom Cruise is a big ol’ dummy.  He might be smart enough to graduate from Harvard Law School, but he must have just got off last night’s bus from Stupidsville when he decided to take a job at an evil law firm populated by “all white, all male, all married” nerds who look like they just stepped out of THE STEPFORD WIVES.  Things go peachy for a few days, but then before you can say “I wish a hyped-up black church choir would cover Boston’s ‘Let Me Take You Home Tonight’.” ol’ Tommy Cruise is running super fast all over the joint, sweatin’ up a storm, with none other than a long-haired, albino Jigsaw economically jogging behind him with a surprisingly smooth gait.

I’m by no means an expert (on anything) on legal thrillers from the 1990’s, but THE FIRM seemed fine to me.  The 154-minute runtime passed by quickly enough and I was entertained from beginning to end.  Also, the cast was very impressive!  If I had to make some complaints, it would be that the evil law firm wasn’t evil enough.  Also, the Memphis setting was dull and unattractive to look at.  And that piano-heavy soundtrack!  Oh my god, I love the piano, but that was too goddamn much!

Overall, THE FIRM is too safe for its own good, but still watchable thanks to an outstanding cast.

CREEPSHOW (1982)

Of the 666 or so horror anthologies made back in the day, CREEPSHOW is probably the most well-known and the most entertaining.  Is it also the best?  I would think so since the majority of them were just "Bleh!"  Anyway, horror legends George Romero and Stephen King got together to make a light-hearted horror anthology as a homage to the EC horror comics from the 1950's and it works thanks to a quick pace, dope special effects and a seriously impressive cast.

Father's Day

A small but wealthy family gathers together for their annual dinner and bitchfest.  They leisurely sit around smoking and drinking while recounting old stories.  Like the one where Great Aunt Bedelia beats her father to death with a marble ashtray.  Maybe next year they can tell the story about how father came back from the dead and started fucking people up. 

The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

To me this is the highlight of the movie simply because I love watching Stephen King's hilarious overacting as a backwoods lunkhead who sees a meteorite crash near his shack.  He rushes over to the crater and has a daydream about selling the meteor to the local college's "Department of Meteors" for two-hundred bucks.  Then he gets some "meteor shit" on him and his dream turns into a nightmare.

Something to Tide You Over

Another great story.  This time around Ted Danson and Gaylen Ross get on the wrong side of Leslie Neilson and end up acting out a pre-THE VANISHING (1988 version) roleplay on a beach.  You'll never look THE NAKED GUN the same ever again.

The Crate

The Crate is truly the highlight of the entire movie.  Not only is it straight-up unnerving and scary, but the acting is outstanding!  I'm not going to ruin it by giving away the story.  Let's just say some people at an old university find a crate hidden away under a staircase and it was hidden for a reason!  Great acting, great pacing, great character development, great lighting, great special effects...The Crate is fucking swell.

They're Creeping Up on You!

I have some mixed feelings on this one.  Not because it's bad, no it's an excellent story, but it's too goddamn icky for me to enjoy.  I still watch it anytime CREEPSHOW is on, but I usually have my handsome face scrunched up like a Taco Bell-eating billy goat just blasted thirteen dry-wet farts right up my handsome nostrils. E. G. Marshall did a really good job in this segment.

The five stories are book-ended by a short prologue and epilogue featuring a father talking mad shit to his young son about how horror comics are a bunch of "horror crap".  He throws away the comic, but the boy soon gets his revenge for his dad being such a pain in the neck.

Yeah, CREEPSHOW is old as fuck, but it's still enjoyable.  Honestly, the only standout thing that I would change is a wider shot when garbage collector Tom Savini throws that metal trashcan. Looks like he got some serious air on it.

Part 2 - Creepshow 2 (1987)
Part 3 - Creepshow 3 (2006)