THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (1973)

"There's never been any shortage of idiot things to believe in..."

I don't often travel on international airline flights that are attacked by pre-Christian, ancient Druid evil spirits, but when I do, I make sure that it's with a group of passengers who immediately accept what's happening and resort to lighting fires and human sacrifice!

Clocking in at a blazing 73-minute runtime, THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (or TH@37k as it's called in the 'hood) says "Eat a bowl of fuck!" to a slow build-up and gets right to it.  A small group of passengers board a commercial airplane and immediately get to what normal people do on long airplane flights: playing a guitar out of tune, smoking cigarettes and openly drinking out of a private flask.  The Druid ghost (or ghosts), trapped in a sacrificial altar down the lonely cargo hold, doesn't take kindly to not being invited to the party and start bringing the ruckus.  And by "ruckus", I mean, lowering the air conditioner temp down a little bit and ripping a hole in the carpet.  There's also a monk dude wandering around in the galley, but don't mind him much.  He's just looking for some Doritos.

Lame jokes aside, THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET was a lot of fun.  I love old made-for-TV movies (and airplane-themed disaster movies) and had a blast watching this one.  Extremely quick pace, awesome lighting, really cool sound effects, dope as fuck cast, plot holes and reality just kicked right in the balls and sacrificed to the gods of entertainment, a frozen dog, demonic mold growing on the walls, a large Louis Vuitton bag with the letters upside-down on one side (I was curious about that, so I Googled it and it's due to them using one continuous piece of leather), a possessed woman talking shit in Latin, Jed Clampett yelling at people, a phantom clerical collar popping up for a few seconds.  Anybody who loves cheesy vintage horror movies should check it out.  I'd watch it again in a heartbeat.

It's kinda strange thinking that this film actually aired 10 months (Feb.13, 1973) before THE EXORCIST hit theaters (Dec. 26, 1973)...but, of course, long after the novel became a best seller in 1971. AIRPORT was also #2 at the U.S. box office in 1970.

[Comment outside of the review: in one scene, one of the pilots states "In the last VOR, we're covering ground about like a lady bicycle rider." In the scene, they're talking about how the plane isn't traveling as fast as they had expected so I understand that's just a way of saying "slow", but still...what a bizarre, shitty and sexist way to phrase it!]

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)

Note to self: if I'm ever trapped in a house covered by dozens of millions of thousands of tarantulas and I hear a strange sound coming from an overhead air vent DO NOT stand directly beneath the vent and open it.

Local veterinarian William Shatner is dumbfounded when he discovers that his sleepy desert town is under attack by a tidal wave of icky spiders. The invasion starts out slow enough, but instead of doing anything productive, ol' Shat prefers to flirt with every attractive female in town and drink a little cold beer. The reality of the eight-legged onslaught comes soon enough, but instead of simply driving away, everybody resorts to running around screaming a lot.

As far as killer animals movies go, KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS is a fun trip.  It almost comes off like a 1970's TV movie.  Steady pace, zero nudity, mild action towards the end, ridiculous looking fake spiders along with thousands of nasty-looking real spiders, crew member hand onscreen (right before the truck wreck), a musical sound at 43:12 that sounds like the opening to "Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band, a woman shooting a spider off of her hand, the phrase "...wham bam thank you ma'am." 

KOTS has plenty of spider action, but none of it is particularity gross.  Which is nice for a pussy like me.  I like killer insect stories, but I fucking hate it when they start crawling all over food and stuff like that.  Yack!!!