SUSPIRIA (1977)

Twenty-eight-year-old American ballet student Jessica Harper arrives at a ballet school in Germany just in time to see another student frantically sprinting out the front door and then run off into the woods screaming. The next morning, Jessica learns that that girl was brutally murdered by not only being stabbed multiple times, but also having a cord tied around her neck and then being tossed through the skylight of a tall building. A normal human being would probably start to have second thoughts about this creepy school staffed by creepy people, but not ol’ Jessica. She loves that goddamn ballet! Not that we ever actually get to see her do any of it because the very first time she even tries to do anything physical she falls the fuck out and start bleeding from her nose and mouth. Now too sick to take part in any classes, she sits around her room and counts the footsteps of people in the hallway. It’s all very exciting.

SUSPIRIA has always been praised as being a great horror movie (it’s currently at 7.3/10 on IMDB with 96k votes), but, outside of the soundtrack, I’ve never cared for it. I first saw it back in the 1990’s on VHS and figured that I was missing something because it was probably edited (and it might have been), but I’ve revisited it multiple times over the decades and while it is visually appealing, especially the colours, it’s a fucking slog to get through. The best thing about SUSPIRIA is that awesome soundtrack by Goblin.

Slow pace, kill scenes that are nowhere near as violent as they are hyped up to be, beautiful colours, interesting set designs, the worst case of box stacking in movie history, average acting that leans towards being campy, the origin of the "Stop it!" sample from Ministry's "Psalm 69", Udo Kier in one scene with his voice dubbed over, zero nudity, disappointing ending, thick blood, characters too stupid to live, crazy ass wallpaper, maggots, influential soundtrack that makes up for the disappointing film.

SUSPIRIA isn’t my cup of tea, but still worth watching by horror fans for its historical importance.

Remake - Suspiria (2018)

THE CHURCH (1989)

"This cathedral is infested with evil."

Hundreds of years ago, a group of Teutonic knights confront a woman who's been accused of witchcraft.  At first, they're all "WWJD?", then, after a few seconds of deliberation, they decide to slaughter everybody in the entire village.  Women, men, children...even the animals!  After spreading the message of Christ, they bury the bodies in a large pit and construct a church on the site to prevent the vengeful spirits of the villagers from returning.  That works out pretty well, up until the 1980's when some construction workers uncover the seal that's holding back the demons.  Not to worry though, because the quick-thinking priests immediately cover the seal back up and everybody lives happily ever after.  Yay!  The End.

Nope.  Just like in a million other horror films, our heroes simply leave the extremely dangerous object completely unprotected until somebody stupid wanders over and fucks with it.  After the seal is broken, the evil spirits explode out at a snail's pace to leisurely go about the business of possessing a few people and getting crazy.  You'd think that after being locked up for seven-, eight-, whatever-hundred years, the demons would be excited as Hell to get out, but no, they take their sweet time.  Maybe they're just gaining strength or haven't had their morning cup of coffee yet.  Whatever the excuse is, they don't do nearly as much as I had hoped for.  No...seeing a demon wash out a kid's mouth with soap is not my idea of excitement.

Jackhammer suicide, neck stabbing, demon fucking, lots of talking, typewriter button smashing, good music, cool looking filming locations, solid direction, mild violence, very mild nudity, slow pace that never pays off, totally badass demon costume that's onscreen for like 10 seconds total.  I like the idea of THE CHURCH, but it simply didn't live up to what I had pictured in my handsome brain.  For some odd reason, I was picturing a bunch of innocent tourists getting trapped in an European cathedral (THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL-style) and then being tormented by demons!  That would have been awesome!!!  Instead, things were just kind of...meh.

THE CHURCH is worth checking out, but it could have been way better.  I'd love to see a remake featuring Morbid Angel's classic "Chapel of Ghouls".