RAT RACE (2001)

Mildly amusing IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD remake. This time, instead of the pre-death ravings of a dying Jimmy "Smiler" Durante, it's John Cleese as a giant-toothed Las Vegas high roller who stages a race (for his high roller friend's amusements) between six strangers. The contestants are picked at random by slot machine tokens then taken to a penthouse where they are explained the rules of the game: here are some identical keys, we're now in Las Vegas and in a locker at the Silver City, NM train station there's $2 million in cash...Go!

Of course, it wouldn't be much of a movie if the participants acted logically so right off the bat they're acting like fucking idiots and everything but the kitchen sink is thrown into this movie. You got a rocket car, a squirrel-loving serial killer, Nazis, Newman, Hitler's car, hookers, a flying cow, a busload of Lucille Ball impersonators, a biker gang, a monster truck, a narcoleptic idiot, a psychotic helicopter pilot, a transplant heart, a hot air balloon and even goddamn Smash Mouth.

Overall, RAT RACE is a fun film.  It's an innocent enough time-waster that never pushes the envelope or shows any real imagination, but still provides a few smiles.

Map of world on the side of the cow.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (2011)

[Update 08/24/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I think I smiled the entire movie.

I don't want to tell you too much since the most exciting part of the film is having the wonderfully delicious story unfold, so I'll just say that Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) is a successful but unhappy Hollywood screenwriter. He's on a vacation in Paris with his self-centered fiancee Inez (Rachel McAdams) and her constantly belittling parents. He believes that if they move to Paris the beauty and cultural history of the city will inspire him to write the great novel that he feels is inside him. Rachel doesn't want to hear any of this and thinks that he's being stupid. As bad luck would have it they run into some friends of Inez's and this one dude, Paul, is a complete pseudo-intellectual asshole. He believes that he's an expert on fucking everything! He even gets in an argument with a tour guide at a museum! Gil senses that Inez sees Paul as vastly intellectually superior to Gil, like when Gil tries to interrupt Paul Inez shushes him and says "Gil, just pay attention. You might learn something.". Anyway, after yet another torturous evening of listening to Paul drone on and on about how brilliant he is, a very frustrated Gil goes for a walk. He's so deep in thought he ends up getting lost...and then at the stroke of midnight something magical happens.

I loved this movie and it was such a delight to see Woody back in his old form. I enjoyed it so much that I watched it twice!  As of right now MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is the best movie that I've seen from 2011. Highly recommended.

THE STAND (1994)

M-O-O-N that spells: a man-made "superflu" virus escapes from a military base and before you can say Constant Reader it's started spreading across the country killing everybody. After the initial clusterfuck, a handful of survivors around the country begin hearing messages in their dreams. Either a good message from some Jesus-loving Prophet in Nebraska or a bad message from the evil ass Randall Flagg in Las Vegas. Eventually the two armies gather and a party of four men are sent to Las Vegas to make a stand.

I really enjoy reading Stephen King books, but one thing that always drives me nuts is his reliance on the supernatural and aliens. It's pretty easy to write a story when if you ever write yourself into a corner you can just have God or a ghost or an alien fix things for you. "The Stand" is a very good example of this. "Desperation" is another...and I'm not even going to start talking about "Under the Dome". Strange thing is I still like "The Stand". At least the story idea and the outbreak part, but then when the Prophet bitch shows up and starts all her psychic God love bullshit I checked the fuck out.

But we're not here to talk about the book, we're here to discuss the movie...the extremely toned down, made-for-network-TV movie (ABC, May 8th through May 12th, 1994). With that in mind, it's passable and that's about it. Huge tracts of story are removed and for some unknown reason other portions of the book are just completely changed.  The most painful to me was the toning down of Harold's jealousy and the complete removal of The Kid and the tornado. Another thing I found extremely confusing is Rita is completely missing and her character replaced by Nadine but not really. It was fucked...I was also upset with some of the casting. The guy who played Randall was completely wrong. David Warner from TIME BANDITS would have been perfect.

If you're a fan of the book, then you'll most likely want to see the miniseries, but I found the whole thing watered-down and almost painful to get through all 359 minutes of it.  Honestly, your time would be better served reading Robert McCammon's superior "Swan Song".

THE STAND drinking game: every time somebody mentions God. You'll be passed out in your own feces by the third hour.

Adaptation 2 - The Stand (2020)

Hahaha! What the fuck?! That's the dumbest shit ever.