POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW (1994)

There’s a scene in the movie where Tackleberry and Jones are attempting to break into a combination wall safe. Tackleberry wants to shoot it with a pistol, but Jones has a better idea. He puts his face near the safe and makes tumbler clicking noises. The safe unlocks. That’s all you really need to know about POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW.

I don’t know why this film was made. You would think that since the filmmakers took 5 years between City Under Siege and this film, that they would have had plenty of time to develop a hilarious script, but nope, this movie is dead on arrival. Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that somebody can make an 82-minute comedy and not one single funny (or even amusing) thing happens during the entire film. I’ve seen dozens of episodes of Midsomer Murders that were funnier than POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW, not because it’s a comedy (it’s a cozy mystery show about brutal murders), but simply because MM has amazing writers and occasionally humorous things happen to lighten the mood.

I’m sure that there were many, many talented people involved with the making of Police Academy 7, but unfortunately very little of that talent made it to the screen. I did enjoy some of the scenery and locations and a few of the extras seemed fine. Other than that, I was just dumbfounded by how void of funny the entire thing was. So, in that regard, it’s kinda worth watching.

Definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen or even close to it, POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW is more like a series of moving images that kinda develop into an uninteresting story. A nothing movie.

Part 1 - Police Academy (1984)
Part 2 - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Part 3 - Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Part 4 - Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Part 5 - Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
Part 6 - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 (1993)

Twenty-four-year-old teenagers Julie and Curt are just so in love it makes you wanna puke. Julie especially loves Curt’s big, throbbing security card that he stole from his military father. They use the card to observe a poorly secured Top Secret experiment involving zombies. Watching dead humans getting chopped up and shot in the head gets Julie all worked up so they go back to Curt’s crib to boink. During said boink session, Julie gets topless and cannot stop talking about the anguish of the dead. This kills Curt’s nerd boner and he takes out his frustrations by arguing with his father. Afterwards, Curt shows off his lack of motorcycle driving skills by launching Julie into a utility pole. She ded and Curt’s still horny so he sneaks her warm cadaver back into the military base and pumps her...full of 2-4-5 Trioxin gas. Bad idea.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 might have "Return of the Living Dead" in the title, but outside of the corpses in the 2-4-5 Trioxin gas barrels there’s really no connection to the original film at all. Which sucks because the original is one of the most imaginative and fun zombie movies of all time. That said, the first half of this film is actually a lot of fun. Especially the chase scenes after Julie’s reanimation. (Is it my imagination or is the convenience store scene very well written and presented?) Unfortunately, the second half of the movie just bogs down and doesn’t go anywhere. Although Julie’s transformation was pretty bad ass.

Long story short, ROTLD3 is a fun throwback time capsule to a more innocent time in the horror movie world. It’s not a great film, but there are certain aspects about it that are great. So, that said, if you got an open mind about such things then it’s worth checking out. Honestly, an expanded novelization of this story with be fantastic and super fun to read.

P.S. That old Ministry poster is awesome!

Part 1 - The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Part 2 - Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)
Part 4 - Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)
Part 5 - Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)