SLACKER (1990)

Filmed in an almost documentary style, SLACKER is the story of a lonely movie camera that wanders around Austin, TX in search of an interesting conversation. Sadly, the camera never finds anybody worth listening to and finally, at the end, an unnamed person picks up the camera and tossed it off Mount Bonnell…where mostly likely it landed on somebody breaking into a car in the parking lot.

From a filmmaking point of view, SLACKER is very interesting. I enjoyed the seamless way the camera glided from person to person. But from an entertainment point of view, I was floundering. First off, every goddamn conversation sounded like the last one! I mean, I’ve lived in this town since the mid-Pleistocene epoch, so I know the whole fucking place is full of mindless fart-sniffers too scared to have an opinion, but this is a work of fiction! Make some shit up! Whatever, it’s not my movie, maybe the writer intended everybody to sound the same and be boring! Whiff!!! If that’s the case, I’m sorry, the joke went right over my exceedingly handsome head. And speaking of handsome skulls, ol’ Jason Voorhees’ skull was fucking wild in that Crystal Lake series. They did that boi wrong, but it didn’t fucking matter since 87% of the show was about his mom and not Jason. Nobody wants a backstory on Jason and definitely not a backstory on his mom. I just want to see Jason kill! That’s literally it. Jason killing. I just want an endless TV show of Jason killing. In a summer camp, every fucking episode. Just over and over and over. No reason given. Just Jason murdering people, but no animals. People only. Lots of nudity, lots of people goofing off while Jason kills their friends.

Oh yeah, SLACKER. It’s okay. I can see historians, filmmakers and oldheads from ATX enjoying it, but younger movie watchers would probably turn it off within 5 minutes. It would be interesting to see a follow-up made nowadays. Then again I could just stand on Red River and listen to boring people talk and imagine I'm in Slacker 2.

Fans of SLACKER might find this interesting.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

A reporter and his teenage son are innocently driving through the backwoods of Nebraska when they happen upon the aftermath of the Gatlin massacre (a.k.a. the events of the first film). As any American law professor can tell you, the punishment for teenagers killing "fifty plus" people is...to be immediately adopted by the citizens of the next town over. So, our murderous band of bustas are bused to Hemingford where they start murder-death-killin' a new whole batch of oldz. It's not all bad news bears though, cuz while the entire population of Hemingford is being openly slaughtered, the father and the son both find time to boink females. Nice.

It's been (not nearly enough) years since the wretched A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT assaulted my handsome eyeballs with its shittiness, but I kinda remember it having the same plot. A single dad and his teenage son argue a lot and get stuck in a small town taken over by evil people. The dad and the son still have time to bang local women. Eventually, the survivors band together (in boring ways) and defeat evil before driving away as the Sun rises.

I haven't seen CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE since seeing it in the theater back in '93 and it was actually better than I remembered it being. Steady pace that kept the story going forward, a few fun kills (the nosebleed church dude was awesome!), vintage clothing, pretty farmland locations, good enough acting, satisfying ending (even if it was weak as fuck).

Overall, CHILDREN OF THE CORN II is a fun throwback to those mid-level, weak ass horror movies that sucked back in the day but are enjoyable now in a nostalgic way.

This has nothing to do with the review, but the evil teenagers from BLACK ROSES would beat the snot out of these Children of the Corn dorks. Just sayin'. [Update 12/25/2025: the more I think about this idea, the more I'd like to see a remake where the evil Corn Kids get shipped to Mill Basin and a huge gang war breaks out between the two evil kid gangs.]

[This also has nothing to do with the review, but if anybody is confused about the tagline on the poster saying, "These children are home alone, too", it's because this movie was in the theater at the same time as HOME ALONE 2. It's just a really bad joke. Proof.]

Part 1 - Children of the Corn (1984)
Part 3 - Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)
Part 4 - Children of the Corn: The Gathering (1996)
Part 5 - Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998)
Part 6 - Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)
Part 7 - Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001)
Part 8 - Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)
Part 9 - Children of the Corn: Runaway (2018)
Remake - Children of the Corn (2009)