METEOR (1979)

A pissed off comet punches a large asteroid in the nuts and now that 5-mile-wide sucker (plus various smaller fragments) is going to hit the Earth in 6 days! Ahh, crap. Luckily, the Americans have a top-secret satellite with 14 nuclear missiles on it. Unfortunately, 14 missiles isn’t enough to stop the asteroid from evolving into a…meteor!!!

On paper, METEOR sounds like a promising film: exciting story (anything about shit crashing into the Earth is awesome); a cast full of well-known faces (at least for the time) and a respectable budget of $16 million (remember ALIEN came out the same year and only cost $11 million). But on paper doesn’t guarantee on-screen excellence. Nope. I have no clue what happened in the making of this clunker, but METEOR is a goddamn turd! I haven’t been this disappointed since the last time I walked into a Best Buy.

The story takes off quickly enough with Hercules satellite designer Sean Connery being informed of the asteroid and put in charge of getting Hercules ready to blast that global killing son of a bitch out of the sky. At the same time, US President Henry Fonda gets Russia to admit that they also have a top-secret satellite armed with nuclear missiles. So the Russians send over a scientist and Sean Connery immediately starts trying to bang interpreter Natalie Wood. Motherfucker, ain’t you got better shit to focus on?! Blah, blah, blah, it goes on and on with all kinds of conversations and romance and bickering. Fuck me. I just want to see some sappy ass heroics and shit blowing up. And don’t even get me started on the special effects. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century looked better.

Long story, short: METEOR is mildly entertaining and fun to laugh at, but if you’re looking for an actually good late-1970’s asteroid story then A FIRE IN THE SKY would be a better bet. Or, you could always just say fuck it and watch ARMAGEDDON again for the hundredth time.

VIOLENT ROAD (1958)

I don't mind a remake or even a ripoff...if you can improve on the original or bring something new and fresh to the table.  Although it never gives onscreen credit, VIOLENT ROAD is a direct remake/ripoff of 1953's excellent THE WAGES OF FEAR.  TWOF is a beautifully photographed and masterfully acted thriller about a four broken men desperate enough to drive two explosive laden trucks across a rugged terrain for the promise of $2,000 each.  VIOLENT ROAD is about about a six broken men desperate enough to drive three explosive laden trucks across a rugged terrain for the promise of $5,000 each.  Whatever, as long as it's exciting.  It's not.

The film starts off well enough with Brian Keith being all macho and shit.  Then the set up is introduced and it's three trucks and all three trucks have to make it.  Well fuck, right there you can pretty much bet that all three trucks are gonna make it.  Next off, Brian picks five complete dorks for his team.  One of them is even a race car driver with a lead foot!  So finally they take off and these idiots are driving on the open road!  What the fuck?  There's normal cars all around and all these champions have is a warning sign and some flags.  Anyway, they eventually get off onto some desert roads and the hot shot driver is driving balls out!  You can see the trucks bouncing all over the joint, mud splashing, they're banging into shit and hauling ass.  Plus, they're always crowded up together just waiting to blow each other up.  And speaking of bad ideas, at one point a guy sees that an concentrated acid tank is leaking out of a loose cap.  So what does this genius do?  Does he put on some badass gloves/protective clothing and use a pair of pliers?  Ohhhh no, this brain surgeon just grabs the cap with his bare hand and of course burns his hand off.  Brilliant!   Multiple other totally preventable injuries happen, but it's all silly.  There's even a runaway bus full of children!  Oh brother.

I really wanted to like VIOLENT ROAD, but the story was garbage.  Absolutely zero tension and nearly all of their troubles were caused by their own negligence.  The acting was fine for what it was, but the budget was too low and the story was shit.  Skip it and rewatch THE WAGES OF FEAR again instead.

 Robert Williams.  He has 331 credits on IMDb over the course of 40 years.