Wednesday, August 31, 2011


[Update 04/19/2020: I want to watch this movie again and fix this review.]

As far as Arnold movies go this one is pretty boring. In the opening scene his wife and kid are exploded all to fuck by a terrorist bombing, so after the government proves it can't bring the terrorists to justice Arnold gears up and goes to Columbia to kick some bootieholes. Unfortunately for the audience this isn't a sequel to COMMANDO and Arnold doesn't kick much bootiehole at all. The most shocking thing about this movie is how little action there actually is. Yeah, people shoot guns and blow stuff up, but it's all by-the-numbers and weak. Arnold himself doesn't do a whole lot. He never fires a gun once(!) and for the most part he's just running or falling and only occasionally punching somebody.

Unoriginal story, boring action, a lot of people too stupid to live, zero nudity, only one really good Arnold moment (his grunt while going down the elevator shaft), government agents barking shits like "I want that in 10 minutes!", John Leguizamo rapping while wearing a post-Cliff Burton Metallica shirt. Worth watching one time just to check it out for yourself. As for me, I'll never watch it again, but I'll probably watch COMMANDO another 50 times before I die.

THIRST (2009)

[Update 6/18/2017: I hate this review. Deleted a bunch of it and the shitty screenshots. Will redo the entire thing when I get a chance.]

A priest selflessly allows himself to be a research guinea pig to help find a cure to a dangerous disease that is killing off missionaries. During the treatment he starts vomiting up blood and receives a blood transfusion. He dies, but suddenly comes back to life and appears to be completely cured. After being released from the hospital, he realizes that he's showing traits of a vampire! Being a priest and a vampire at the same time is a conflict of interests, especially when he starts having a hot love affair with a beautiful young woman. Now he's torn between his faith, "the blood thirsty beast" living within him and the lust for this woman.

Despite the bland title, THIRST is a highly entertaining film that borders on being great. It's probably the best vampire movie since the original FRIGHT NIGHT. The story is fresh and inventive, the acting is excellent and the photography is especially stunning. The less said the better just watch it. Highly recommended.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I guess there's a movie in here somewhere...or maybe not. The film starts with the Spice Girls playing themselves and preparing for their first ever live concert. A newspaper owner with sand in his pussy is tired of the Spice Girls being on the cover of the paper everyday, so he sends an undercover paparazzi to dig up some dirt and break up the band. While this is going on, a documentary film crew follows the Girls around and one of their friends is pregnant. Also, for some reason Meatloaf is their bus driver.

They drive all over the place having bizarre adventures (falling off a boat; going to dance boot camp; riding on top of the bus; signing autographs for aliens and peeing in the woods) and having strange fantasies (being in the game "Clue"; appearing in court for releasing a bad song; having a bunch of babies). The big climax is whether they're gonna make it to the concert in time or not.

The story, if you can even call it that, is crap. It's just a bunch of scenes slapped together, but even worse is none of the musical numbers are good or even complete. Out of the 10 or songs they sing, only two or three were even entire songs. Hell, I don't know. I'm not a Spice Girls fan, but it seemed the songs were all very short. I was hoping that this film would become a guilty pleasure like THE PIRATE MOVIE or THE APPLE, but instead it was just lame. Skip it.

For those of you keeping record: I actually did enjoy this film more than ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN.
I've been wondering for 10 years where Dwarves got that sample from. Now it's even funnier that it came from this movie.

SSSSSSS (1973)

A college student (pre-"Battlestar Galactica" Dirk Benedick) is hired to be the new assistant to a local ophiologist (Strother Martin).  Unfortunately, the doctor is crazier than Dr. Frankenstein on acid and dreams of turning humans into snakes...starting with his new assistant! Yikesssssss!

At first, Dirk is happy with his job and even enamored with the doctor's nerdy daughter, but then things take a dark turn when the doctor starts giving him injections (under the false pretense that they will help build up his immunity to snake poison), but in fact, he's pumping poor Dirk up with some experimental bullshit that slowly turns him into a snake! The slow behavioral transformation and eventual physical transformation was fun to watch, but I had a hard time believing that Dirk's character was so stupid to not notice what was happening.

The story sounds ssssssstupid and it kinda is, but Strother Martin's performance is truly disturbing and he easily carries the film into Worth Watching territory. I do wish the movie had been just a little more risque though. Example: the leaves covering up the skinny dipper's nudity. This is a horror movie, if you're too goddamn chicken to show a naked butt cheek then the audience knows there's not going to be any violence worth a damn on the horizon. Oh well, that's my main gripe.

Overall, the movie was better than I expected and I'd watch it again, but just remember this is an early 70's studio-backed "horror" movie, so don't expect anything too outrageousssssss.

Monday, August 29, 2011


Caught in a violent thunderstorm a young goat, Mei, is separated from his friends and takes shelter in an old barn. A little later somebody else comes in the barn, but it's too dark to see who it is. Mei is scared and believing that it's another goat he starts talking to the stranger. But the stranger isn't a goat, it's a wolf! His name is Gabu and he thinks the stranger is a fellow wolf so they keep taking. By the time the storm ends they are friends and even agree to meet the next day in front of the barn for lunch. There secret password to recognize each other is "stormy night". When they meet face to face the next day they are both shocked, but the bond they built the night before is strong and over time their friendship becomes stronger and stronger.

It'd be cruel to tell you anymore. The story is filled with lots of cute moments, but it's also pretty serious. The animation is simple, but very beautiful and I thought it fit the story well. Very sweet film and it deserves a bigger audience (like maybe an official Blu-Ray release here in America) so I say check it out!