PUNISHED (2011)

Disappointing.  The story here is Anthony Wong is a rich dude who's daughter is kidnapped and now he's out to kick ass.  Holy shit, that's an awesome idea cause we all know Anthony Wong knows how to kick ass with the best of 'em.  Unfortunately the writer of this turkey must have made a bet to "take an kick ass idea and totally fuck it up" cause PUNISHED is boring as fook.  First off, in the beginning of the film they tell us in a flashback that the daughter is dead.  Really?  Why would you do that?!  Secondly, once we finally get to meet the daughter she's in her early 20's and a complete asshole.  I mean honestly there is not one single redeeming quality about her: she's a hardcore drug addict, she drives like a maniac, she's abusive towards her step-mother who seems to be a nice person and she's nonstop taking/stealing from her father to buy coke.  Wong should have counted it as a blessing that she got kidnapped, but instead he actually believes that she's faking it.  That's how fucked up this kid is. 

Anyway, stuff happens and she dies so now Wong is all angry, but instead of doing anything about it himself he has his bodyguard go out and hunt down the kidnappers.  But even that is boring.  The biggest highlight of the film was laughing about how shitty Wong's kid and the bodyguard's kid is.  At one point the bodyguard calls his son (who lives with his ex-wife) and tells him "Hey, I'm moving to Moscow and I'll be away for a few years."  The kid replies with "Alright, well call me when you get back.  I got another call, gotta go!"  *click* then puts the phone in his pocket.  Hahahahaha!  What a little shit! 

Unoriginal story, weak revenge scenes, some of the worst shooting by a professional bodyguard ever, Anthony Wong never once kicks ass, stupid overly emotional ending that is predictable as fuck, non-threatening kidnappers, unsympathetic victim.  Skip it.  If you need me I'll be watching COMMANDO and I SAW THE DEVIL.

BEAST COPS (1998)

This movie has a drugged up Anthony Wong with a machete sticking out of his shoulder running around beating people up.  That's it.  Review's over.  Go watch the movie.

What?

You're still here?!  Damn it, I was wanting to go take a nap.  Alright, Anthony Wong (two years after his epic performance in EBOLA SYNDROME) is a crooked cop who's more gangster than cop.  He sleeps most of the day then parties, whores and gambles all night.  That is, until he's given a new boss...who moves in with him!  So now Anthony is having all kinds of trouble, especially when the main gang underlord who keeps the peace between the gangs has to go on the run, so now it's an all out turf war with Wong stuck dead in the middle.

As far as 90's HK action flicks go, BEAST COPS is one of my favorites, mostly due to Wong's balls out performance.  I don't know what it is about this guy, but you can't take your eyes off him!  Lightning quick pace, insane action scenes, gritty camerawork, BEAST COPS might look a little dated to younger viewers, but it's still a lot of fun.  Check it out!

FULL CONTACT (1992)

Chow Yun-fat is a bad guy who, in order to help his friend (Anthony Wong) get out of a debt to a ruthless loan shark, agrees to take part in the hijacking of an arms shipment. They steal the weapons, but then as they are about to make their getaway Wong's cousin attacks Chow and leaves him for dead...but he's not fucking dead, so a few years later he returns to enact his revenge.

FULL CONTACT is a fun 90's HK actioner filled with fog and smoke and strange clothing and lighting reminiscent of a music video. It might not be as stylized as the John Woo films of the same era, but director Ringo Lam more than makes up for it with tons of gritty action. It's pretty much nonstop! I loved the bad guy and his gang. He's supergay and violent as fuck and his gang was made up solely of psychopaths! Instead of going in a bar and simply kidnapping a guy, they go in, talk shit, beat up everybody, shoot anybody who makes a sound, fire off probably 500 bullets, toss a hand grenade in when they leave (it's still full of innocent people!) then drive off while laughing like maniacs.

On top of the action you have Chow Yun-fat, Simon Yam and Anthony Wong all in the same movie. That's fucking awesome and worth watching just for that. Tons of great action scenes, zero nudity, bullets flying all over the place, very bizarre dance moves, bullet cam, rain dripping off a knife, a really cute dog, explosions and a vomiting crab. Check it out.

EBOLA SYNDROME (1996)

[Update 04/18/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

This movie is fucking nuts! Anthony Wong gets caught banging his gangster boss' wife, so they beat him up, force her to urinate on his face, then tell him to castrate himself. He takes the clippers and starts beating the shit out of everybody: busting out one guy's teeth, stabbing another dude in the dick then finally chopping off the woman's tongue. He goes on the run to South Africa where he gets a job as a cook and continues to be a scumbag: spits in people's food, masturbates into meat, kills people, rapes people, rips out a chick's eyeball, stabs another dude in the eye with a fork. Finally his evil ways catch up to him when he rapes a dying Zulu woman and catches Ebola! As luck would have it, the Ebola doesn't kill him, it just makes him even fucking crazier!!! Next thing you know he's back in Hong Kong, crazy as fuck and spreading Ebola around like wildfire...he even at one point runs down the street spitting blood in people's faces while yelling "E-bowl-i!!! E-bowl-i!!!!" It's fucking great and I laughed for days afterwards.

This movie is a masterpiece of horrible political incorrectness. There's tons of mean-spirited raping, killing, hatred, racial slurs, bigotry, chicken murders, cussing and child killing. It's awesome. If I was able to, I'd buy the rights to EBOLA SYNDROME.  Write a script for a sequel myself, pay Anthony Wong to star in it, director Herman Yau to direct it and then put it out myself. I'd probably lose 100 million dollars or so, but it'd be worth every penny.

The DVD I used for this review has a great looking picture. Way better than I thought I'd ever see it. I first saw EBOLA on VHS years ago, then I bought a bootleg DVD that's has a horribly wonderful shitty picture and the crappiest double subtitles ever plus a double audio track!!!!!!! That's right two grainy subtitles, plus two separate audio tracks, both in some languages I can't understand it! It's terrible, but somehow added to the wackiness of the movie. Whenever I watch it now, I actually use the crappy DVD instead of the better looking one because you can't help but laugh nonstop. I would love to take screenshots, but it's so shitty I can't even get it to work on my computer.

If you love wild, unique movies then check out EBOLA SYNDROME. It's not a masterpiece of film making, but it's damn sure entertaining. "E-bowl-i!!! E-bowl-i!!!!"

EBOLA SYNDROME Drinking Game:

• Every time Anthony says "bully" or "betrayal"
• Every time somebody says "Ebola"
• Whenever Anthony rapes or kills somebody