LONGLEGS (2024)

I haven’t seen many Small Wonder / THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS crossovers, but of the ones I have seen LONGLEGS is the weakest. Also, I don’t even believe in Satan and even I’m offended at how weak this Satanic turkey is.

Full-time Victoria "Vicki" Ann Smith-Lawson cosplayer and newly recruited FBI agent Lee Harker fails miserably at her first assignment, so she’s put on the cold-case of a serial killer by the name of Longlegs. (No relation to the Long-Legged Mack Daddy.) Within a few hours she has somehow figured out all kinds of clues that has baffled the FBI for decades. Gee, wonder how that could be?! Durr. Anyway, more amazing coincidences happen over and over six hundred and threescore and six more times and before you can say “The Holy Spirit is a dork.” Harper Lee, I mean, Lee Harker is neck deep in trouble.

Whoever made the trailer for this film should be given 66.6% of the box office because it was really fun and it fooled my dumbass into thinking it was going to be a mean-spirited creepfest, but nope. I sat my chiseled buns down in my normal seat at the theater and within 10 minutes I was already rolling my handsome eyeballs at how ridiculous the story was. If somebody can’t figure out the ending of this movie within the first few minutes, then you got a problem. Also, is there some sort of light bulb wattage regulations in this universe? Why is nearly every light bulb in the film barely stronger than a single candle? Ewwwhhh! I heard a suspicious sound late at night outside my secluded forest home. Let me turn on my outside spotlight. Flips switch and the bulb has the illumination power of 37 lightning bugs in a dusty jar.

I have many more thoughts about LONGLEGS (for example: why does Nicholas Cage look like a bloated Marilyn Manson dressed up as the Easter Bunny from CRITTERS 2?), but nobody besides me reads this shit so what is the point. I’ll update this review with screenshots and other stuff when the film comes out on home media and I watch it a few more times. And yes, I’ll even crawl through it frame-by-frame to capture all the creepiest stuff...so IMDb can put my screenshots on their site and put ads on them. Whoops! Did I type that out loud?

[Update 10/06/2024: Added screenshots. Have fun IMDb.]

COLOR OUT OF SPACE (2019)

"Maggot dick."

A family (wife, husband, two teenage kids and one younger son) live way out in the fucking woods. One evening, a meteor lands in their front yard. Just a few feet from the well where they get their water. A hydrologist, who just so happens to be wandering by, tells them that the water (which is now oily and icky looking) is contaminated, and that they should stop using it. No shit. They keep drinking it anyway. Morons. As the viewer would expect, drinking deep space meteor piss isn’t healthy for humans. Or llamas.

It’s been a few hundred years since I read H. P. Lovecraft’s original “The Colour Out of Space” short story that was published back in 1927, but I do remember it being creepy and awesome. This 2019 film adaptation was neither creepy nor awesome. Right from the beginning I felt zero connection to the family, other than find them annoying. I wouldn’t care if a giant Slor took a giant Slor shit right in their well, but even worse than annoying characters is the alien invasion stuff starts almost immediately. Very little build-up or character development. Just…BAM! Family, woods, aliens attack.

Zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood, zero sense of self-preservation, annoying dialogue, multiple characters completely leaving the contamination zone and then returning, Tommy Chong as a burnout hippie squatter (how original), zero tension, a house with excessive outdoor lighting (most likely purely for the fact that it would look neat in the wacky alien-vision scenes), disappointing ending.

I went into THE COLOR OUT OF SPACE hoping for an extremely creepy story full of inescapable dread and mind-breaking cosmic horror. Instead, I just got a bleh, PG-13 level, yawn-inducing snoozer. Worth watching, I guess, if you're like super bored, but you’d probably be better off reading one of the hundreds of pulp horror novels with a similar story.