POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW (1994)

There’s a scene in the movie where Tackleberry and Jones are attempting to break into a combination wall safe. Tackleberry wants to shoot it with a pistol, but Jones has a better idea. He puts his face near the safe and makes tumbler clicking noises. The safe unlocks. That’s all you really need to know about POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW.

I don’t know why this film was made. You would think that since the filmmakers took 5 years between City Under Siege and this film, that they would have had plenty of time to develop a hilarious script, but nope, this movie is dead on arrival. Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that somebody can make an 82-minute comedy and not one single funny (or even amusing) thing happens during the entire film. I’ve seen dozens of episodes of Midsomer Murders that were funnier than POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW, not because it’s a comedy (it’s a cozy mystery show about brutal murders), but simply because MM has amazing writers and occasionally humorous things happen to lighten the mood.

I’m sure that there were many, many talented people involved with the making of Police Academy 7, but unfortunately very little of that talent made it to the screen. I did enjoy some of the scenery and locations and a few of the extras seemed fine. Other than that, I was just dumbfounded by how void of funny the entire thing was. So, in that regard, it’s kinda worth watching.

Definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen or even close to it, POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW is more like a series of moving images that kinda develop into an uninteresting story. A nothing movie.

Part 1 - Police Academy (1984)
Part 2 - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Part 3 - Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Part 4 - Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Part 5 - Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
Part 6 - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

SLEEPWALKERS (1992)

Horrorless horror movie from the King of Horror, Stephen King, about a mother/son pair of shapeshifting vampire/cat creatures that can turn invisible and make other things change shape.  The secret of their power is the mothers ability to suck the lifeforce out of female virgins.  Okay.

When the film begins they've just fled California and relocated in Indiana.  The son enters high school and sets his sights on the Madchen Amick from "Twin Peaks".  Wise choice, but instead of just killing her when he's over at her crib, he attacks her while out on a date!  Genius.  The attack goes off like a dry wet fart and she she pokes him in the eye and alerts the cops.  Now the police are hot on their tails.  Meow!

Lame action, lightweight violence, zero gore, zero nudity. I wanted to like this film (and it was an okay time-waster), but there's just not a lot going on. Also, the mother/son duo are unlikable with their cat murdering, plus you never get a clear view of what powers they have or what they're capable of or even what their goal even is!  I guess it's just to live another day so they can bang more. If it wasn't for Madchen Amick, the various genre cameos and multiple Stephen King references I probably would have fallen asleep.  Although, Ferris Bueller's parents showing up kinda blew my mind.

 Stephen King and Clive Barker with Tobe Hooper in the background.

Stephen King and Tobe Hooper.