MEN IN BLACK (1997)

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."

One fine evening, NYPD officer Will Smith is out chasing some busta all over the place.  Jumping off a bridge, hardcore parkouring off a Central Park wall, climbing and running all over the Guggenheim Museum...but then, when he corners the busta, the dude has sideways eyelids!  That shit ain't right.  Ends up the dude is an alien from outer space and Will Smith soon finds himself to be the newest recruit of the super secretive Men in Black agency.  Which seems like a very sexist name for an agency, but whatever.  The job of the MIB is to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial threats and to regulate the aliens that are currently already here.

Old timer agent Tommy Lee Jones is tasked to show Will Smith the ropes.  Their first case is to track down a large illegal alien insect who recently landed in upstate New York and ate the insides of farmer Vincent D'Onofrio and is now walking around in his skin.  That's just nasty and kinda awesome, cause D'Onofrio does an amazing job of looking creepy as fook!  Ends up, insect D'Onofrio is looking for a small but powerful energy device called "The Galaxy" and will stop at nothing to find it.  Even if it means blowing up the entire planet.  Yikes!

MEN IN BLACK is an entertaining time-waster.  Good acting, interesting story that could have been a little bit darker, solid supporting cast, zero tension, dated special effects that still look okay, a cute dog, a cute cat, some not so cute roaches, an extremely depressing bit of dialogue, a Misfits t-shirt and, for whatever reason, the 98 minute runtime seems to go by very fast!  I honestly thought there was like another 20 minutes or so coming when the movie just...ended.  Recommended.

Part 2 - Men in Black II (2002)
Part 3 - Men in Black 3 (2012)
Part 4 - Men in Black: International (2019)

PAIN & GAIN (2013)

Very loosely based on actual events that happened back in mid-90's Miami, PAIN & GAIN tells the story of three addle-minded bodybuilders (of which only one actually has a ripped body) who come up with an absurd plan to kidnap a local businessman and torture him until he signs over all of his wealth.  That part works, kinda, but since all three of these idiots are morons they quickly blow through all of the money on women, coke and material bullshit.

How much you like PAIN & GAIN will depend a lot on your sense of humor.  If you're a card carrying member of the No Fun Club then you'll probably dislike it, but if you're open-minded and look at it like it's a really dark comedy then I think you'll get a kick out it.  It's flashy, crude, violent and a fun watch.  My biggest surprise came from how much I enjoyed Dwayne Johnson.  Dude plays a Jesus lover, but once he gets his hands on a pile of cash his true colors come out and he's coked to the gills and drowning in pussy!  His performance stole the whole movie.

And yes I know it's not even close to being historically accurate, but I don't give a fuck.  It's Michael fucking Bay.  The same guy who shit, pissed, vomited, farted, jizzed and rubbed his boogers all over the FRIDAY THE 13TH, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE franchises for a quick buck, so what do you expect?

Super quick pace, ton of laughs, Dexter's apartment, Bar Paly looking hot as fook, The Rock looking big as fuck, Marky Mark looking all swole, lots of bright colors.  Check it out.