FLESH AND BULLETS (1985)

Opening with a bank robbery scene that’s told with the excitement of waiting in a traffic jam, FLESH AND BULLETS then gets on to the main part of the story...a retelling of Alfred Hitchcock’s STRANGERS ON A TRAIN. Male character #1 (I don’t care enough to look up their names) is sitting at a bar when he strikes up a conversation with male character #2. Both of the men complain about how shitty their lives are and how it's solely because of their ex-wives. Nothing at all due to do with the fact that they are both psychopathic losers. Eventually, they come to an agreement to murder each other’s wives. That way, they presume, there is no connection. You know, besides the fact that there would be two women murdered in the same town around the same time, conveniently benefitting their respective ex-husbands. Also, since both men have the I.Q. of a wet carrot that was slammed repeatedly in the door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort, I’m sure they would both pass the police interview with flying colours. What follows is a series of murder attempts that makes Michael Palin’s character in A FISH CALLED WANDA look like Agent 47. Sounds funny, but it’s not. At all.

Offensively poor editing, shit script (if there even was a script), acting that I wouldn’t even consider to be actual acting (At what point does acting become acting and not just reciting lines?), audio that sounds like it was recorded from a microphone in a different room, horrible lighting, a Maniac Cop sighting, a Lily Munster sighting, a Joker sighting, slow pace, zero interesting twists or turns, very brief nudity, completely wasted use of Los Angeles scenery and some truly terrible dialogue.

I’m sure that FLESH AND BULLETS has its fans.  All movies, both good and bad, have their fans. It didn't do shit for me. That said, maybe you’ll like it.

ANACONDA (1997)

A sweaty group of nerds take a boat down the Amazon River in order to make a documentary about a long-lost indigenous Amazonian tribe.  Along the way, they make the wise choice of picking up a hitchhiker. This dude immediately starts talking hella mad shit.  Then before you can ask “How the fuck has HBO still not discovered Robert McCammon?”, there’s a big ass computer-generated snake floating around eating people.

I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age.  Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension.  Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck.  The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.

For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997?  Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at?  Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what?  Fuck this movie, fuck this review.  I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.

[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]

Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)