SPOOKIES (1986)

Two carloads of partygoers show up to a mansion in the woods and walk in like they own the joint. They don’t. The mansion belongs to an old wizard dude who likes to talk a lot and occasionally send one of his minions (werecat, zombies, farting muck men, a spider woman, etc.) to kill people. The End.

Every movie ever made, no matter how “bad” it is, has its fans. Especially horror movies. (For example: AX ’EM has a 1.4 score on IMDb, but I gave it a 6 because, to me, it’s a lot of fun and definitely unique.) So, with that in mind, I’m sure that SPOOKIES has its fair share of fans. I’m just not one of them. Slow pace, below average to average acting, mildly interesting special effects, terrible story with even worse dialogue, predictable ending, boring camerawork, zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood…honestly, I don’t what there is to like about this movie. The story is shit and the execution of the shit story is shit. I guess if I was forced to mention something positive, I'd say that the lighting was good.

The only real thing that I found interesting about SPOOKIES is the appearance of Charlotte Alexandra from A REAL YOUNG GIRL! Like, what the fuck? A REAL YOUNG GIRL is a solid 1970’s French arthouse film with Charlotte Alexandra as the lead and here she is 10 years later co-starring in the low budget horror movie that's so weak that I'm not even sure it can really be considered an actual Horror movie.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back. If you need me, I’ll be in my room watching the original NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. While eating a bowl of fuck. Naturally.

28 YEARS LATER (2025)

Wat da fuq?

Seeing as how I’m both the most well-respected and highest paid movie critic in the known Universe, I decided to do my due diligence and revisit the first two films in the “28 Days Later” series before watching this new installment. And yep, they’re both still a 5/10 at best.

Alright, so let’s get to it: Twenty-eight years after the original outbreak of the Rage Virus, a 12-year-old boy, Spike (I’m guessing his parents were Buffy fans), lives with his family on a small British island that’s protected by the tides coming in and out, creating a natural barrier from the mainland Infected. There’s a small, fenced community on the island and when the children (boys only, no girls?) turn 15 they have a coming-of-age ritual where they go to the mainland, kill a zombie and teabag it or something. I don’t know, my brain started drifting when we’re told that the boy is only 12. Like, what the fuck? Why exactly is this dude going out three goddamn years early for? It’s like the movie created its own problem and never even explained it. (Or maybe it did and I missed it during one of my multiple, protracted yawning sessions.) Some townfolk say that Spike is too young, the dad says nope he’s old enough. Then once they get out of the gate, ol’ Spike starts fucking shit up left and right and even gets a few people killed!

Also, don’t even get me started on the goddamn doctor drugging the one zombie and letting him go, only to be bounced up and down like a goddamn Harlem Globetrotter basketball later on by the same exact zombie! Is this zombie your pet or something? Kill the motherfucker!

I don’t know. I was honestly looking forward to this film because I was expecting some badass zombie action, but instead I got weird camera effects, lens flares flying all over the joint and zombies treated more like annoying pests than deadly threats. I wanted to like 28 YEARS LATER, but by time it was over I wanted to parkour my 4K disc through a fucking window.

Part 1 - 28 Days Later... (2002)
Part 2 - 28 Weeks Later (2007)
Part 4 - 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026)