FRANCIS GOES TO WEST POINT (1952)

"Drop dead."

After literally murdering people together in part 1 and then nearly being fitted for “cement slippers” while taking on the mob in part 2, wise ass Francis the shit-talking mule and dim-witted Peter Stirling (Donald O’Connor) appear to be living a quiet life in an unnamed city. Peter works at a factory (doing what, I have no fucking clue) while Francis goes around town ease dropping on people. One tidbit of info he hears is that some Uncle Sam haters are going to blow up the factory Peter works at. Francis tells Peter and Peter somehow saves the day, despite being a dumbfuck. As a reward, twenty-six year-old Peter is accepted into West Point military academy. Naturally, Francis shows up and becomes a school mascot, an assistant football coach and a French language tutor. He's even offered a job as a professor at one point! Along the way there’s some kind of mistaken ID bullshit going around (thanks to Peter illegally reading other people’s mail) that might cause West Point to lose the Army-Navy football game.

As far as the Francis films go, WEST POINT is alright. I enjoyed the quick pace, the interesting faces (including James Best and David Janssen as upperclassmen) and the neat old footage of the actual West Point, but once again I was depressed at how easily Francis and Peter accept leaving each other. It happened a few times in this film and really bummed me out. I was also disappointed in how cheap the whole thing looked. All of the scenes set outside on the West Point campus looked to be filmed in front of a screen. I don’t know why, but I was kinda looking forward to scenes of Peter and Francis running around the West Point grounds together. Maybe trying to solve a murder or tract down a werewolf or bust an illegal moonshine ring ran by witches! Anything. How about some illegal DVD bootleggers from the early 2000’s time travel back to West Point in order to hide their stash, but then a freshman plebe finds a copy of COOL AS ICE and starts telling everybody he’s gonna “uh, schling a schlong” and about how his homeboy’s bike is trippin. So now Francis and Peter have gotta stop being zeroes and start being heroes in order to save the day. Hyfgcv oikl [My cat, Charlie, just stepped on the keyboard while trying to get my attention, so I’m leaving that in.]

Alright, well, I do have more to say, but Charlie wants to play, so I gotta go. Nobody reads this shit anyway. But yeah, it’s a silly film. I enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun to yell at the TV while watching.  I think I talked shit the entire movie.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)

FRANCIS (1950)

Dim-witted Peter Stirling (Donald O'Connor) is almost too stupid to live.  One day, while stationed in Burma (during World War II) this Beetle Baily motherfucker gets lost on foot behind Japanese lines and figures his best course of action is to take a nap.  Awakened later by approaching explosions, Peter simply runs off in whatever direction his feet take him.  Feets, don't fail me now!  He falls down a hill like a dumbfuck and standing there is a talking mule by the name of Francis.  Francis, with an i.  Francis saves Peter’s life by carrying him back to his base.  After that, Francis and Peter develop an almost abusive relationship were Francis constantly belittles Peter and embarrasses him by clamming up when others are around.  At the same time, they enjoy sneaking off together in the middle of the night to hunt humans.  They even kill some humans together at one point.  Maybe somebody should remake this film into a horror movie.

In the highly populated domesticated-talking-equine-hybrid-between-a-donkey-and-a-horse-during-the-Burma-campaign subgenre, FRANCIS is in the top 100% percentile.  That said, the story is weak and pretty much all of Peter’s troubles come from him constantly telling everybody on the base that he’s friends with a talking mule.  I wish that Francis and Peter had been more friendly from the beginning.  Instead of playing weird mind games.  That was depressing.  Why is being honest with each other so fucking hard?!  From a filmmaking standpoint, FRANCIS is very basic.  Boring sets, average acting, uninspired cinematography, average pace.  The main saving grace of the film is that the mule who plays Francis is super cute.  There's also a few brief Tony Curtis sightings that caught me off guard.  That was neat.

Worth a watch for fans of such things.  Or maybe even stoners looking for a few giggles.  If there even are still stoners anymore.  Are there?  I don’t even know.  What do the “cool” people do now?  Heroin?  Tranq?  Oxycodone?  Fentanyl?  Poisonous toad puss?  Who gives a fuck.  Drink some cherry-flavored mushroom Kool-Aid, pop some oxy and feel superior to others as you giggle at Francis.  He’s a mule.  That talks.

Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)