FROG-G-G! (2004)

[Insert low effort Kermit the Frog joke here.]  Chemical waste gets into a town's water supply and before you can say "Caterpillar penis spelt backwards is 'fuck this movie.'", a lone dude in a plastic frog outfit that looks like it came from the motherfuckin' Dollar Store is prancing and hopping around and raping women with his invisible frog dick. It's fucking horrible.

The main question I kept asking myself while watching FROG-G-G! is "What's the point of this movie?!"  Like literally...why was it made?  I'm not trying to be a smart aleck or funny.  I honestly want to know!  There's almost no story; the 80-minute runtime is torturous; at least 70% of the movie is (unneeded) talking scenes; almost zero action; there's very little nudity (and none of it any good); the body count, if you can even call it that, is like...two; the named actors touted on the DVD box (Mary Woronov and James Duval) combine together for about 30 seconds of screentime; the script should have been lit on fire and then thrown off a balcony; I don't even want to talk about the "acting"; an underused "Goth girl"; dim lighting; annoying music; also...there's only one frog monster and he's a fucking pussy!  The giant frog from YAKUZA APOCALYPSE would have kicked this dude's invisible frog nuts up around his ears.  Hell, the frog that Din Grogu ate in The Mandalorian would have beat this guy's ass.

But, you know what's worse than all of that?  I own this motherfucker! What dark and twisted turns did my life take that I ended up the owner of a FROG-G-G! DVD?  Own it or not, it'll be a long time before I sit through this lily pad lickin', tadpole molesting, frogfuck piece of toadshit ever again.

NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

The Earth passes through the tail of a comet. The majority of humans (those who looked directly at the comet) are turned into dust.  The remaining survivors are either slowly dying, turned into zombies or completely normal.  Two of the latter are Regina and Samantha, two twenty-something year-old "teenagers", who, after mourning for a few minutes, go to the mall for a shopping spree!  Yaayyy!!!

That actually sounds like an interesting idea for a movie, but it wasn't.  Instead of a cleverly written story with some terminally upbeat teenage girls in the middle of a zombie outbreak (I'm thinking THE YOUNG GRADUATES meets DAWN OF THE DEAD here), we get the boring story of two boring young women with boring personalities who honestly don't do much of anything.  Just lots of standing around and talking with only a few minutes worth of action.  Sub 80's television-level action, at that!

I'm sure there are of fans of NIGHT OF THE COMET, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it, but for a movie with such potential (unexpected zombies, a blonde high school cheerleader in distress, 80's fashions, extreme population reduction, cool movie posters, arcade video game cabinets, a movie theater, great supporting cast, a secret military base, etc.), I found the whole thing to be disappointing.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD or Catherine Mary Stewart's other 1984 film...the truly great THE LAST STARFIGHTER.

Also, I swear to Satan, that animatronic clown is the same one in PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE. And speaking of Pee-wee Herman...how come there's never been a movie called PEE-WEE'S BIG HERMAN?