HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN (2011)

"Welcome to Fucktown!"

As the film opens, homeless man, Rutger Hauer, rides into town on a freight train.  A normal person would take one look around Hope Town and nope straight the fuck out of that dump as quickly as possible. Especially after a man is decapitated in broad daylight in the middle of the street and nobody cares, but no, not ol' Rut.  He sticks around and even chews some glass in exchange for the $50 that he needs to buy a used lawnmower...nobody said he was smart.  Anyway, after all kinds of goofy Troma-level mischief happens (including Rutger being tortured by the police), he buys a shotgun and starts blasting fools.  It's mildly entertaining.

Theme song from MARK OF THE DEVIL used during the opening credits, ridiculous story that probably took less than a hour to write, overacting galore, mild blood and gore that just looks cartoonish, unimpressive toplessness, extreme colours, unsatisfying ending, cheese dick dialogue that was mostly just people screaming "fuck" a lot, zero emotional attachment to the main character (or anybody else for that matter), steady pace.

Overall, HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN is watchable, but way too close to a Troma film for me.

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005)

One of the thing that women find most attractive about me is my ability to watch horrible movies.  "Ohh, did you see the way he watched SCARECROW SLAYER?!" they say bubbling over with unbridled lust.  "I once heard he watched AX'EM twice!!!" they think to themselves as they masturbate urgently in the shower.  Yes, I am one of the few people on the planet to watch ZOMBABIES without resorting to burning down their house and somehow even even finished SLIMED without punching my cat in his cute little furry face, but even my supermacho shitty movie tolerance skills were put to the test by this 174 minute TV remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

First off not only does the movie look like total shit, but it also has a bunch of unneeded stuff about the terrorists planning and acting out the bombing onboard the Poseidon that leads to it for whatever reason flipping over instead of just sinking.  It's all very cheap looking and the story padded out so much that the pain is almost insufferable.  I did somehow found the strength inside of me to trudge threw it, but it wasn't easy and I regretted doing so the entire time.  When I'm laying on my death bed, I'll probably be willing to give anything for another 174 minutes of life and here I am now just throwing it away.  So let my wasteful suffering be a warning to you: don't watch this movie ever!  Instead do something productive with that 174 minutes like asking that hot chick/dude/dudechick/chickdude out on a date or reading a book or curing cancer or masturbating in the shower.

Part 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 2 - Poseidon (2006)

SPLIT SECOND (1992)

[Update 10/11/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

London 2008 looks a lot like a couple of alleyways and dilapidated rooms from 1992. Rutger Hauer is a cop who, along with his partner, was attacked years earlier by a large nasty creature. His partner died during the attack and Hauer was left with a bizarre sixth-sense that tells him whenever the creature is nearby. It's been quiet recently, but suddenly and without warning the attacks began just as quickly as they stopped. The first victim is a woman in the restroom of a club Hauer is casing. Soon the bodies start piling and Hauer is taking this shit personally. Nothing is going to stop him from killing this monster. Even if it takes longer than a...split second!

Actually I have no idea why SPLIT SECOND was called SPLIT SECOND, but it didn't take me much longer than a split second to figure out that SPLIT SECOND was nothing more than a low-budget PREDATOR 2 clone that falls in line, at least artistically, with pretty much all of the other futuristic action films from the early 90's...CYBORG, HARDWARE, FREEJACK, etc. Still, it's a mildly entertaining watch but we never really get a good idea at what the killer monster is or it's motives. Is it an alien? A mutant rat? A ghost?  A wookalar? How did it learn English? Why is it leaving notes and clues written in blood? What is it's interest with Rutger's character? Why is it supposedly bulletproof and able to run through solid steel doors but yet so easy to kill at the end?

Worth watching if you're really bored, but I can't really recommend it. The story's not strong enough, the action scenes are pretty forgettable and the gritty story sprinkled with comedy moments made the whole thing feel uneven.

Nights misspelled as knights.