BRING HER BACK (2025)

[I don’t have an actual copy of the movie yet to take screenshots, since I just got home from the movie theater. I’ll fix that once I do. And watch the movie again to update the review. Can’t wait! Yawn.]

Is there even one single shot in this movie that doesn’t have an object or an actor within 10 feet (or less) of the camera? I’m fucking serious. I’m sitting there in the movie theater, gracing my favorite seat with my amazing buns, and within 10 minutes (if not less) you already know the entire story, so now in my boredom I start hyperfocusing on the camera placement and it’s driving me nuts. It’s like we’re stuck in a Bourne Identity fight scene for 7 hours or however long this movie is. What? It’s only 104 minutes long? Oh, fuck me.

Anyway, if you’ve never seen a movie before or a TV show and never read a book or maybe even don’t know how to read…perhaps you’ve been punched in the skull a few dozen times by a donkey, if so, then you might find BRING HER BACK to be original. Everybody else, I would hope, would just find it to be lazy and below average.

Middle of the road acting, minor blood, zero gore, zero scares, up close and personal camera shots for like 98% of the movie, lackluster script, unoriginal story, slow pace, dumb…fucking dumb as fuck characters, multiple plots holes. I hate to admit it, but that disappointing as fuck CUCKOO was better than this turkey.

Jesus Fucking Harry Potter Christ, I forgot to give a brief synopsis of the story: A woman, who is clearly as crazy as a shithouse rat, is in deep mourning over the death of her tween daughter. So, she acquires a bootleg “Soul Transference for Dummies” VHS tape (probably from iOffer) and kidnaps a young boy to use as a soul vessel until she can find a fresh tween girl corpse to permanently house her dead daughter’s soul. Lucky for her, the State seems to have performed literally zero investigation into her and her fucked up house and delivers a young orphan girl right to her front door. (I might've got a few minor details of the story incorrect. Or maybe I was just confusing it with the dozens of other times we've seen this same story.)

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 (1993)

Twenty-four-year-old teenagers Julie and Curt are just so in love it makes you wanna puke. Julie especially loves Curt’s big, throbbing security card that he stole from his military father. They use the card to observe a poorly secured Top Secret experiment involving zombies. Watching dead humans getting chopped up and shot in the head gets Julie all worked up so they go back to Curt’s crib to boink. During said boink session, Julie gets topless and cannot stop talking about the anguish of the dead. This kills Curt’s nerd boner and he takes out his frustrations by arguing with his father. Afterwards, Curt shows off his lack of motorcycle driving skills by launching Julie into a utility pole. She ded and Curt’s still horny so he sneaks her warm cadaver back into the military base and pumps her...full of 2-4-5 Trioxin gas. Bad idea.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 might have "Return of the Living Dead" in the title, but outside of the corpses in the 2-4-5 Trioxin gas barrels there’s really no connection to the original film at all. Which sucks because the original is one of the most imaginative and fun zombie movies of all time. That said, the first half of this film is actually a lot of fun. Especially the chase scenes after Julie’s reanimation. (Is it my imagination or is the convenience store scene very well written and presented?) Unfortunately, the second half of the movie just bogs down and doesn’t go anywhere. Although Julie’s transformation was pretty bad ass.

Long story short, ROTLD3 is a fun throwback time capsule to a more innocent time in the horror movie world. It’s not a great film, but there are certain aspects about it that are great. So, that said, if you got an open mind about such things then it’s worth checking out. Honestly, an expanded novelization of this story with be fantastic and super fun to read.

P.S. That old Ministry poster is awesome!

Part 1 - The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Part 2 - Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)
Part 4 - Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)
Part 5 - Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)