SPOOKIES (1986)

Two carloads of partygoers show up to a mansion in the woods and walk in like they own the joint. They don’t. The mansion belongs to an old wizard dude who likes to talk a lot and occasionally send one of his minions (werecat, zombies, farting muck men, a spider woman, etc.) to kill people. The End.

Every movie ever made, no matter how “bad” it is, has its fans. Especially horror movies. (For example: AX ’EM has a 1.4 score on IMDb, but I gave it a 6 because, to me, it’s a lot of fun and definitely unique.) So, with that in mind, I’m sure that SPOOKIES has its fair share of fans. I’m just not one of them. Slow pace, below average to average acting, mildly interesting special effects, terrible story with even worse dialogue, predictable ending, boring camerawork, zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood…honestly, I don’t what there is to like about this movie. The story is shit and the execution of the shit story is shit. I guess if I was forced to mention something positive, I'd say that the lighting was good.

The only real thing that I found interesting about SPOOKIES is the appearance of Charlotte Alexandra from A REAL YOUNG GIRL! Like, what the fuck? A REAL YOUNG GIRL is a solid 1970’s French arthouse film with Charlotte Alexandra as the lead and here she is 10 years later co-starring in the low budget horror movie that's so weak that I'm not even sure it can really be considered an actual Horror movie.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back. If you need me, I’ll be in my room watching the original NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. While eating a bowl of fuck. Naturally.

HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987)

Despite the fact that I didn’t care for the first House film, I remember renting Part 2 when it came out on VHS (late 1987) and being extremely disappointed in the fact that it's not even a Horror movie! It’s actually just an unfunny comedy about an old house with portals...and humor about as knee-slapping as how the filmmakers named the second installment in the "House" series, The Second Story. You get it? You get it? Because a house might have more than one floor...a second story! Duh-huk! How clever. Luckily, LETHAL WEAPON and SUMMER SCHOOL were also New Releases at the time so they kept my sexy, toight, underage ass from performing ritual suicide, seppuku, with a bamboo sword.

A young couple (male, female) move into his old family mansion and almost immediately, the dude and his buddy are out digging up a local graveyard in search of a lost crystal skull. Naturally, this leads to all kinds of goofy, nonsensical hijinks like a baby pterodactyl (wearing a bib) sitting at the dining room table, a ghost cowboy shooting up the place and Jason Voorhees wearing a gorilla suit while getting punched off a...second story landing by a caveman. You know, standard horror movie stuff.

Okay acting, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt, a cast full of familiar faces, rambling story, zero gore, a costume party, zero nudity, neat-looking old mansion, shit ending. I've revisited HOUSE II multiple times over the decades and it always disappoints. I don't even understand how a script so worthless ever got approved to begin with. RETURN TO OZ was scarier than this reeking turdsmuggler. Skip it. Or watch it, I don't give a sideways cowboy ghost fart what you do.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Peter Jackson's THE FRIGHTENERS.

[Post-review rambling: I should write an epic-length novel (at least 4,000 pages) about a teenage dude in early 1988 who spends all kinds of effort and time flirting with another dude on his high school hockey team (imagine it being like “Heated Rivalry”, but much, much gayer) and then when he finally invites the guy over to VHS and chill, he rents HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of LETHAL WEAPON. The second guy misreads this as a near-ultimate insult (it's not as bad as being tricked into watching a Will Smith movie) and now suddenly, they're arch enemies! He wants revenge for bringing his wonderful boner over to this guys crib and then being mocked by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of fucking to LETHAL WEAPON. He turns evel, I mean, evil and sets all kinds of horrible plans into motion only to then realize in a cruel, JEAN DE FLORETTE / MANON OF THE SPRING twist of fate that ol' boi only rented HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY because LETHAL WEAPON was out of copies and the homophobic (secretly gay) Christian dude working the counter wanted to trick ol' boi into having a horrible weekend by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. Now they must team up to stop the evil plans (while also fucking a lot) and get revenge on the dude down at Video Vortex. But nay! They shant do that. Instead, they will show human kindness and forgive him for being a small-minded butthole in a small-minded butthole of a town. They start dating and visit the video store frequently and even, slowly over time, befriend the hateful Christian dude. Things eventually progress enough with him that one Friday evening he surprises them by telling him that not only did he purchase a copy of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES for the store...he even watched it last night and loved it! Loved it! The three of them are conversing and having some good laughs talking about Albin when mean old Miss Grisby walks up to the counter to rent a copy of not only BEVERLY HILLS COP II, but also EDDIE MURPHY RAW! What the fook??? Everybody knows mean old Miss Grisby is racist as hell. She's 104-years-old and hasn't been able to drive in 40 years, but yet she just hopped into an old white Chevy truck and sped off cranking "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" at around 300 decibels. Now these three new friends have a mystery to solve! End of Chapter 1.]

Part 1 - House (1985)
Part 3 - House III: The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

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