THE BUNKER (2001)

The Bunker? More like The Clunker!

Germany, 1944. A small group of Nazi soldiers with British accents hole up in a forest bunker and proceed to spend the rest of the movie arguing with each other. Yawn. I’m sure there’s a story somewhere in this mess, but within 10 minutes I straight-up didn’t give a single fuck about anybody in this movie. Why? Cause they're all Nazi soldiers! What am I supposed to have some sort of empathy for them or something? They’re fucking Nazis! Looking at the DVD cover, you see Nazi skeletons with guns, so you’re thinking it gonna be some sorta DEAD SNOW situation (preferably Part 2, since it was better), but no. There’s literally zero connection with the cover to actual reality. Ninety percent of the movie is a group of sweaty Nazis in dank tunnels yelling at each other. Fuck ‘em all. It’d be one thing if some zombies started ripping them to shreds, but no, there’s no zombies at all. I have no fucking clue what that cover art is even referring to! I don't even understand how this is considered a horror movie.

All male cast (with a few familiar faces), boring sets, boring forest, muted colours, dim lighting, zero action, zero zombies, zero blood, shit ending. Skip this entire thing with a vengeance. It's not even worth watching for free. I’ve farted better scripts than this.

There is one ray of sunshine though: the appearance of Andrew Tiernan made me remember how perfect he was in Midsomer Murders episode “Picture of Innocence” (S10.E6) where he played an annoying douche who starts a feud between people who like digital cameras and people who like film cameras. Hahaha. Fuck, that’s such a great episode!

DEATH SHIP (1980)

Fuck this old turd of a movie. I remember getting burned by this piece of shit back in the 1980’s, when your mom would only let you pick one (maybe two) movies to rent to last you the entire weekend…and that cover looked so goddamn wicked with the crusty old ship with the ghost face, so you get the movie home and it fucking blows! Like, literally nothing happens for the entire movie! A cruise ship is hit in the middle of the night by a haunted ship; a few boring survivors climb off a raft onto the death ship and that’s it. They just walk around looking at spider webs and empty hallways for the rest if the movie. It was Hell. And your entire weekend was ruined! Why didn’t I just rent HALLOWEEN II or TIME BANDITS again instead?! I was so stupid when I was a little kid. Idiot. I hate young me.

Fast-forward however many hundred years it’s been since 1983 and I rent the fucking movie again! Surely, it's better now that I'm a handsome adult with a girthy, veiny, pulsating brain to think with. Annnd...I swear to Satan, it’s even worse now that it was back then! How did this movie even get made? There’s three writers listed in the credits, but there isn’t a story.  Is there an actual script for this movie somewhere or did they just film some actors walking around a ship and then cobble it into a movie?

Watch it if you want. I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm ashamed to admit that I've watched this movie twice in my life. How embarrassing. That cover art is dope though. Maybe I should watch it again just to make sure.

Side note: while the movie is a complete turd, it was interesting to see George Kennedy and Richard Crenna in action. I think a lot of my anger for this movie still comes from it pissing me off so bad (with its boredom) as a kid.