QUICKSILVER (1986)

Hot shot stock trader Kevin Bacon loses all of his money (and his parent’s duckets) in a bad business deal. He gets depressed and decides to become a hot shot bicycle messenger instead. The End.

While doing research for this review, I was kinda surprised to discover that QUICKSILVER was a box office dud back in 1986. For some reason, I thought it was popular movie. But nope, it stunk up the joint so bad that it didn’t even make its budget back. Fun fact: in its 3rd week of release, QUICKSILVER was only a few hundred grand ahead of BACK TO THE FUTURE which was in its 35th week. Yikes!

Anyway, box office poison or not, I enjoyed watching QUICKSILVER (in 2024) for the nostalgic value but can understand why it didn’t connect with audiences back in 1986: it’s way too serious, the stock market stuff didn’t even make any sense, the soundtrack was weak and there just wasn’t enough Kevin Bacon. Audiences were probably expecting some kind of FOOTLOOSE-style party movie with everyday man Kevin pedaling in and out of traffic showing off his tight buns while romancing a local rich girl who is too snooty to date a lowly bicycle messenger.  (Think, Billy Joel's 1983 music video for Uptown Girl.)  They also probably expected it to be set in New York City, because even though I saw this movie back in the 1980’s I still expected it to be set in NYC! I totally forgot that it was set in San Francisco.

Solid acting, disjointed story that’s too depressing, weak direction, a cool looking person in the art gallery scene that needed way more screentime, up and down pace, exciting bicycle scenes, stock market storyline that probably alienated some audience members, good supporting cast, a quick Michael Myers (from HALLOWEEN II) sighting, an even quicker Al Leong sighting, wall ads for CORRUPT (1983) and THE HUNGER (1983), a car sparking before it grinds against a wall, zero nudity, zero gore, two depressing scenes with Kevin's spiritbroken parents that were huge bummers, an interesting bicycle / ballet dancing scene early on that I wish had changed the tone of the movie into something more uplifting, a backyard dinner scene that kinda reminded me of the backyard dinner scenes from the Fast & Furious movies.

Worth a watch for Bacon completionists, but nothing to get overly excited about. I'd love to see a remake or reboot.

FLATLINERS (1990)

Four beautiful people and Oliver Platt decide to explore the mysteries of death (and the possibility of an afterlife) by committing temporary suicide in a construction site.  Things go about as well as you would expect.  That's right, a ghost tells Kevin Bacon that his breath smells like "buffalo farts".

For a late 1980's / early 1990's studio thriller, FLATLINERS is alright.  I guess.  The story is worthless, but the big name cast makes it an interesting cinematic novelty.  There's also a lot of big hair and brown clothing.  Slow pace, dramatic movie lighting overload, lots of wind blowing around (even inside buildings), the world's most useless window shades, lame ending that leaves the viewer completely unsatisfied, a Cure poster, really boring ghosts, really boring story, a few split second glimpses of nudity, really boring characters that don't seem like actual humans just characters in a movie. The ghost of an injured dog. I didn't care for that at all.

If you're looking for a movie that fits the definition of 5/10, then FLATLINERS would be a good choice.  The movie you create in your head when initially hear the brief synopsis "Five medical students try to discover what is beyond death by creating near-death experiences." is way more exciting than what actually happens onscreen.  Honestly, probably 6.66 days after you watch FLATLINERS you won't even remember that you watched it.  Innocent (and loin-meltingly handsome) movie critic accidentally creates a near-coma experience by watching FLATLINERS.  Amirite?

Oh well. Watch it if you want. I don't give a fuck. If you need me, I'll be in a my room watching FINAL DESTINATION 2.

Remake - Flatliners (2017)