HARDBODIES (1984)

Three middle-aged men (a.k.a. “fossils”) rent a beach house in order to hook up with young women. They strike out non-stop, so they hire a local young stud to mentoring them in the fine art of picking up women. A Doctorate of Poon Handling (PhD), if you will.

That’s really about it. Back in the 1980’s I remember HARDBODIES being known for the impressive amount of topless nudity it has, but re-visiting it now, it’s kinda funny just how “Eighties” this film is. The clothing, the cars, the food prices, the simplicity of the story, the careless lives of the characters, zero repercussions for anything. It’s all just so carefree. I don’t know, it’s not a big deal just something that I couldn’t shake while watching it again. The other thing that struck me was just how extreme the character shift was for the guy Hunter. Dude was a nerd when we first meet him, then towards the end of the movie he suddenly turns into a total sleazebag. I know it was done in order to introduce some conflict, but damn, that dude sucked. Then again, he did sexually assault a young woman early in the film when he was acting like a store mannequin, so I guess that was foreshadowing.

Zero jokes that were actually funny (outside of the one guy randomly yelling “Fart! Fart! Fart! Fart!” at the party), a least three familiar faces from the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, a tasteless joke about a man in a wheelchair falling into the ocean, lots and lots and lots of white people everywhere.

For a brainless mid-80's sex comedy HARDBODIES is pretty standard and worth checking out for anybody curious about it. The only thing that I really dislike is having the three fossils as main characters. The story would have been much more playful and engaging with three younger dudes trying to get laid. Nobody who watches sex comedies wants to see old people. Yuck.

Part 2 - Hardbodies 2 (1986)

Apparently actor Michael Rapport is a comedian.

BIG MAN ON CAMPUS (1989)

This shit didn’t click with me. Long-story short, there’s a fully-grown adult dude living in a clock tower at a large university in Los Angeles. He’s hairier than Cousin Itt’s left nut and spends all of his time watching a female student by the name of Cathy. Shit happens and he swings down on a rope to break up a fight involving her. Dude is taken into custody and instead of being place under state care, he’s released under the supervision of the university. Naturally, the school assigns a single student, Cathy’s boyfriend and full-time Steve Guttenberg impersonator, Alex to watch over ol’ boy 24 / 7. Makes sense.

I don’t know, I’m already bored with this review. Ends up the dude’s name is Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga (hardy-har-har, isn’t that funny?!) and the reason he was in the tower is because when he was a little child his father abandoned him, then his mom died and some people abused him and he ran away and was homeless forever. Wow, that’s a really great story for a comedy. Nothing funnier than life-destroying child abuse.

Okay pacing, weak story, zero nudity, zero gore, one joke that was later used in ZOOLANDER (the "center for ants" bit), a drink called "TEAM (Decaf)" (I have no idea what that is, some sort of coffee I guess), the dudes hump is never explained and barely even mentioned, no cursing, disappointing ending, a cop car arriving twice. Another thing that bothered me about this film was how boring the college setting was. Usually when a movie is filmed on a college campus you get to see some interesting fashions and people (or maybe even a dude with a clapperboard!), but in BIG MAN ON CAMPUS it was really bland. Even the mall scene was weak.

I’m sure there are tens of billions of thousands of people out there who love this movie, I just found the entire thing to be lifeless and dull. Also, Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga's voice was really annoying. Watch it if you want.

[This has nothing to do with the review, but this story was told again in the blu-ray extras. Like, the whole story is confusing because how much did this movie cost? And did it even make money? Why would somebody turn down a million dollars (in 1980's money) to not do something?]