HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987)

Despite the fact that I didn’t care for the first House film, I remember renting Part 2 when it came out on VHS (late 1987) and being extremely disappointed in the fact that it's not even a Horror movie! It’s actually just an unfunny comedy about an old house with portals and humor about as knee-slapping as how the filmmakers named the second installment in the "House" series, The Second Story. You get it? You get it? Because a house might have more than one floor...a second story! Duh-huk! How clever. Luckily, LETHAL WEAPON and SUMMER SCHOOL were also New Releases at the time so they kept my sexy, toight, underage ass from performing ritual suicide, seppuku, with a bamboo sword.

A young couple (male, female) move into his old family mansion and almost immediately, the dude and his buddy are out digging up a local graveyard in search of a lost crystal skull. Naturally, this leads to all kinds of goofy, nonsensical hijinks like a baby pterodactyl (wearing a bib) sitting at the dining room table, a ghost cowboy shooting up the place and Jason Voorhees wearing a gorilla suit while getting punched off a...second story landing by a caveman. You know, standard horror movie stuff.

Okay acting, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt, a cast full of familiar faces, rambling story, zero gore, a costume party, zero nudity, neat-looking old mansion, shit ending. I've revisited HOUSE II multiple times over the decades and it always disappoints. I don't even understand how a script so worthless ever got approved to begin with. RETURN TO OZ was scarier than this reeking turdsmuggler. Skip it. Or watch it, I don't give a sideways cowboy ghost fart what you do.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Peter Jackson's THE FRIGHTENERS.

[Post-review rambling: I should write an epic-length novel (at least 4,000 pages) about a teenage dude in early 1988 who spends all kinds of effort and time flirting with another dude on his high school hockey team (imagine it being like “Heated Rivalry”, but much, much gayer) and then when he finally invites the guy over to VHS and chill, he rents HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of LETHAL WEAPON. The second guy misreads this as a near-ultimate insult (it's not as bad as being tricked into watching a Will Smith movie) and now suddenly, they're arch enemies! He wants revenge for bringing his wonderful boner over to this guys crib and then being mocked by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of fucking to LETHAL WEAPON. He turns evel, I mean, evil and sets all kinds of horrible plans into motion only to then realize in a cruel, JEAN DE FLORETTE / MANON OF THE SPRING twist of fate that ol' boi only rented HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY because LETHAL WEAPON was out of copies and the homophobic (secretly gay) Christian dude working the counter wanted to trick ol' boi into having a horrible weekend by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. Now they must team up to stop the evil plans (while also fucking a lot) and get revenge on the dude down at Video Vortex. But nay! They shant do that. Instead, they will show human kindness and forgive him for being a small-minded butthole in a small-minded butthole of a town. They start dating and visit the video store frequently and even, slowly over time, befriend the hateful Christian dude. Things eventually progress enough with him that one Friday evening he surprises them by telling him that not only did he purchase a copy of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES for the store...he even watched it last night and loved it! Loved it! The three of them are conversing and having some good laughs talking about Albin when mean old Miss Grisby walks up to the counter to rent a copy of not only BEVERLY HILLS COP II, but also EDDIE MURPHY RAW! What the fook??? Everybody knows mean old Miss Grisby is racist as hell. She's 104-years-old and hasn't been able to drive in 40 years, but yet she just hopped into an old white Chevy truck and sped off cranking "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" at around 300 decibels. Now these three new friends have a mystery to solve! End of Chapter 1.]

Part 1 - House (1985)
Part 3 - The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

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HARDBODIES (1984)

Three middle-aged men (a.k.a. “fossils”) rent a beach house in order to hook up with young women. They strike out non-stop, so they hire a local young stud to mentoring them in the fine art of picking up women. A Doctorate of Poon Handling (PhD), if you will.

That’s really about it. Back in the 1980’s I remember HARDBODIES being known for the impressive amount of topless nudity it has, but re-visiting it now, it’s kinda funny just how “Eighties” this film is. The clothing, the cars, the food prices, the simplicity of the story, the careless lives of the characters, zero repercussions for anything. It’s all just so carefree. I don’t know, it’s not a big deal just something that I couldn’t shake while watching it again. The other thing that struck me was just how extreme the character shift was for the guy Hunter. Dude was a nerd when we first meet him, then towards the end of the movie he suddenly turns into a total sleazebag. I know it was done in order to introduce some conflict, but damn, that dude sucked. Then again, he did sexually assault a young woman early in the film when he was acting like a store mannequin, so I guess that was foreshadowing.

Zero jokes that were actually funny (outside of the one guy randomly yelling “Fart! Fart! Fart! Fart!” at the party), a least three familiar faces from the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, a tasteless joke about a man in a wheelchair falling into the ocean, lots and lots and lots of white people everywhere.

For a brainless mid-80's sex comedy HARDBODIES is pretty standard and worth checking out for anybody curious about it. The only thing that I really dislike is having the three fossils as main characters. The story would have been much more playful and engaging with three younger dudes trying to get laid. Nobody who watches sex comedies wants to see old people. Yuck.

Part 2 - Hardbodies 2 (1986)

Apparently actor Michael Rapport is a comedian.