THE PARK IS MINE (1985)

Mentally unstable, rarely employed and emotionally stunted Vietnam War vet Tommy Lee Jones is unhappy that people (mainly himself) in New York City are being mistreated. He also hates that his ex-wife (whom he owes unpaid child support and likes to drop in on unexpectedly) calls him a “loser”. So, to prove that he’s a big, beautiful, stable genius he sets off a bunch of small explosives in Central Park, then runs around shooting up the joint.

The idea of a psycho or group of psychos taking over Central Park is great and full of highly entertaining possibilities. Unfortunately, none of those possibilities made it to the screen in THE PARK IS MINE because instead of a badass FIRST BLOOD or COMMANDO-style bullet-filled bloodbath with a memorable main character, we get a dorky-looking goober in camouflage clothes and super reflective sunglasses whining like a selfish child that life just isn’t fair. Not fair at all, gosh darn it!

Weak action scenes, meh acting, rubbish script, lame-looking clothing, a SWAT cop who cannot even see a huge roll of razor wire directly in front of him and walks right into it, one weak split second topless scene, dumb dialogue, stupid cops who never think of just simply releasing some attack dogs into the park with Tommy Lee's scent [insert Motley Crue joke here], good supporting cast, zero discussion about the complete traffic clusterfuck Manhattan would be if somebody stated launching grenades all over the place, dumb ending.

THE PARK IS MINE is an interesting movie because of the story idea, but it's unrealistic to think that a lone dude with an IQ lower than his shoe size could take over Central Park. Maybe a McDonald's PlayPlace after hours, but not Central Park. THE PLAYPLACE IS MINE! I’d love to see a remake filled with drones and brutal violence. Until then we'll just have to watch DEADLY PREY again. "Danton...DAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!!"

This has nothing to do with the review, but I do remember renting that green cover VHS when I was a kid and being disappointed in the movie. Time hasn't changed that opinion. It's still boring.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE (1987)

The nerds go to paradise (aka Fort Lauderdale, Florida) to take part in a national fraternity convention. As movie luck would have it, the vast majority of the other frat members are all nerd-hating jocks. (The same story as Part 1.) Even the dude who runs the hotel they have reservations with has an immense hatred of nerds. So, now with their reservations canceled, they’re forced to stay at a skid row murder motel with a monster living in the swimming pool. There’s also a storyline about them getting double-crossed and kicked out of the conference. Honestly, none of it is important, it's all just an excuse to get the nerds in an exotic location filled with sun, booze and girls in bikini's. Sadly though, Nerds 2 doesn't deliver in the nudity department. Which is odd since I think that's what most of the target audience was looking for back in 1987. I know I was! Guess the filmmakers decided the wise thing to do was sink the entire series by going the PG-13 route instead. Kinda like what the POLICE ACADEMY series was doing at the same time.

The basic story idea to the Nerds series has a lot of room for success, but for whatever reason, it feels like the filmmakers of this first sequel lazily cobbled together some callbacks to the original film and a few mildly funny skit ideas then slapped it all together into a movie. There’s no real connection to the original and it definitely doesn’t expand the overall story. If anything, it muddies the waters. For example: the literal opening scene of the film shows Lewis putting a framed picture of Betty in his suitcase, but then later on he’s playing tonsil hockey with a new girl…so, is he with Betty or not?

Meh, whatever. Nerds 2 is a watchable film with a few humorous moments (Booger’s pick-up line at the airport, for example), but the weak script doesn’t give the cast much to work with. Hell, I would have rather seen a film about the Nerds investigating the creature living in the swimming pool instead of the whole Nerds vs. Jocks thing done over again. Maybe have the Jocks team up with the Nerds to figure out a way to get laid more. Fuck, anything would be better than seeing the same lame jokes from the original film.

I have vague memories of the Beastie Boys being involved with promoting this film, but then not actually appearing in the film. I remember (back in 1987) thinking that that was weird. Although, the nerds do perform a Beastie Boys-ish song at a party.

Overall, REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE is a watchable 1980's comedy. Definitely watchable for curious first time viewers. I think I'm just jaded since I remember it not being as awesome as I (hopefully) envisioned it to be back in the day. I definitely wasn't sad when I dropped this VHS tape back in the rental return drop-off. Although, I do vividly remember one sunny afternoon around this time period walking up to the drop-off slot while my mom waited in the car and some high school-age kid come rolling up in a Chevy truck with "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" playing at at least 300 decibels. I was like, "Fuuuuuucccck, I'll never be that cool!"

Oh yeah, here's the disappointing tit scenes you were looking for.

P.S. Granny Sez Surf or Die.

Part 1 - Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Part 3 - Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation (1992)
Part 4 - Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994)