YAKUZA APOCALYPSE (2015)

If somebody were to tell me "The script for YAKUZA APOCALYPSE was based off the mad ramblings of a mentally disabled 5-year-old child."  I'd probably believe it because this movie is absolutely ridiculous!  The story, if it even matters, is about the boss of a small yakuza gang.  He's also a vampire.  One day, some vampire hunters(?) kill him and rip his head off. His second-in-charge takes over the gang.  Things get out of control and soon the entire neighborhood is turned into vampires.  That's like the first 70 minutes of the movie and it's pretty boring.  I was actually starting to fall asleep when suddenly some dude in a large green frog costume strolls into town and starts beating the shit out of everybody!!!  Men, women, children...everybody.  It was hilarious.  I was giggling like a little kid with a mental disability.  Then the frog-costumed asskicker went away and I was bored (and sad) again.  The End.

If the filmmakers had any sense they would have just dropped the vampire story and made the entire film about the green frog-costume dude.  Or at least livened up the vampire part a bit, because the frog dude is by far the best part of the movie.  The vampire stuff was super boring.  Slow story with a epic 20-minute section towards the end, average acting, lame final fight scene, Mio Yuki in a school girl outfit, by-the-numbers direction by Takashi Miike (who is capable of so much better), disappointing ending.

Worth watching just for the frog costume guy alone.

DEAD OR ALIVE: FINAL (2002)

I'm dead.  This movie killed me with it's boredom.  This is my ghost talking now.  Luckily though the DEAD OR ALIVE series is all about reincarnation, so hopefully I'll come back as a better person.

Set in 2346 (which looks conspicuously like 2001), the mayor of Yokohama likes gay sex...a lot.  So much so that he's made birth control mandatory and completely controls the population, food and supplies based on his stiff homosexual ideology.  There's also human replicants that look exactly like humans.  One such battle droid replicant (Sho Aikawa) teams up with a group of rebels that are looking to escape the city.  Stuff happens and a cop (Riki Takeuchi) is ordered by the evil mayor to locate the rogue replicant.  Yawn.

As far as BLADE RUNNER replicants go, DEAD OR ALIVE: FINAL is about the lamest I've ever seen.  Even the giant flying penis robot didn't help things...and that's a sad sentence to write because when the day cums that a giant flying penis robot doesn't improve your story, you know you're in trouble!

Flaccid story, uninspired camerawork, weak direction, torturous pace, limp action scenes, goofy as fook ending that I'm only guessing is somehow connected to the opening scene of the original DEAD OR ALIVE since they both feature a dude doing another younger dude up against a wall.  I don't know what this film was going for, but I wish I hadn't wasted my time watching it.  Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 1 - Dead or Alive (1999)  
Part 2 - Dead or Alive 2: Birds (2000)

DEAD OR ALIVE 2: BIRDS (2000)

Soooo...sleepy!!!  I was wide awake when I started this film and damn near dead by the time it finally (mercifully) ended.

Two childhood friends, who were raised in the same orphanage but later lost contact with each other, just happen to run into each other...during a yakuza gang leader assassination!!!  The one guy is a hit man who is staring down the scope of his rifle at his target when suddenly out of nowhere one of the bosses' bodyguards goes nuts and starts killing everybody.  The one guy knows that his long lost friend will go hideout back at their small island hometown, so he goes there himself.  They reunite and have all kinds of fun and emotional music plays while the rain falls down in slow motion.  Eventually they put on a play for the local children which features a female turtle duck with a detachable penis and robot arm having sex with a bumblebee.  I'm serious.  After the success of the children's play performance they decide that they work so well together that they should go into business assassinating people and donating the proceeds to charity.

I love Takashi Miike, but goddamn this film was just not my bag.  There were a few interesting moments, good performances (including a small appearance by Shinya Tsukamoto, who I always enjoy) and it looks great, but that story is boring and goofy as fuck.  Even the necrophilia scene and the dude with the 40 pound cock couldn't liven things up.  Skip it.

Part 1 - Dead or Alive (1999)
Part 3 - Dead or Alive: Final (2002)