Wednesday, March 30, 2011

HELLCATS (2008)

From the DVD cover and that name I was expecting this to be some sexy crazy female oriented sex comedy, but no it's actually a pretty subdued film that reminded me a lot of Ang Lee's EAT DRINK MAN WOMAN...except for the fact that EDMW was a fucking masterpiece and this movie is just barely above average.

You have three females (their relationship isn't important), each represents a different age bracket: teen, late 20's and early 40's. All three are having relationship problems. The teen has a boyfriend, but she accidentally discovers she actually has the hots for her female best friend. The middle chick has a slacker musician boyfriend who just sits around his messy apartment doing nothing...except cheating! She dumps him and starts dating a handsome beau hunk who's really nice, but she still has feeling for the loser dude. The older female starts a sex-based relationship with a younger man, but maybe it's based on more than sex.

I liked the movie. The director did an outstanding job of capturing three distinctly different females and chronicling the separate problems they faced, but it could have been a little shorter. Also that song they used towards the end was fucking horrendous! Good acting, intriguing stories, non-existent sex scenes, no nudity, worth watching if you can find a copy, but nothing worth going out of your way for.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (2010)

[Update 05/10/2020: I really need to rewatch and fix this review.]

George-Michael Bluth is dating a hot girl who's 17, he's 22. For some unknown reason, his cockblocking hipster friends constantly badger the living shit out of him over this. Then one night at a party he sees a really cute girl (his age) with pink hair. He dumps the younger girl, hooks up with this new girl and now must "battle" her seven "evil" ex's.  He does, he wins and he gets the girl. The End.

I liked this movie for what it was (at least it tried to be somewhat original), but I was still disappointed. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was really wanting to be blown away and taken for a wild ride. Instead, it's just a bunch of hipsters sitting around talking like they're way down on Quaaludes and in general doing absolutely nothing. Finally, we get to the fight scenes and they're just ehhhh. I never got any since of danger from them. All kinds of violent shit would happen to George-Michael, but none of it ever hurt him. He'd get slammed through a wall or bashed in the face repeatedly and he's still be standing there with those semi-half-retarded puppy dog eyes and adorable stroke victim mumble-stutter talk that he always does.

What would have been cool is if, instead of being just one step above "The Power Rangers", SPVTW would have gone for an dark R-rating and thrown in some gritty, blood soaked violence. But I guess that's not what the filmmakers were looking for. Oh well.

Mildly interesting watch, but with absolutely zero tension I felt disconnected from the entire thing. Worth a watch, but that's about it. Oh yea, the music was terrible.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

RINKO EIGHTEEN (2009)


Eighteen year-old girl, Rinko, has rich parents and goes to a great school and plans to be a doctor. Her life is very pampered and wonderful. Then one day her father is busted for some illegal business dealings and her mother runs off with her lover. This leaves Rinko instantly homeless. Things are looking pretty grim when she's taken in by a small porno company as an assistant and even allowed to sleep on the couch and use the company's wardrobe of slutty outfits as her own clothes.

With a story like that you'd expect this just to be a cheap softcore porno, but it's not. For whatever reason this movie was really sweet and touching and genuinely funny. My only real complaint would be that it wasn't long enough! When Rinko starts her job she's very naive and knows absolutely nothing about the real world. She can't even ride a bicycle! But thanks to some tough love, patience and hard work Rinko becomes a valuable asset to the company.

It's honestly ridiculous why this movie is as good as it is. The budget looks be pretty much nothing and the story is crazy, but somehow thanks to a clever script, some really spirited performances (especially by the main actress whose name I don't even know!) and obviously a lot of talent behind the camera this movie works and I really enjoyed it. I hope they make a sequel!

One complaint I do have outside of the movie is the subtitles on the DVD are fucking horrible! Some of the worst I've ever seen, but I guess the fact that I still liked the movie just goes to show how good it really was. There's also a surprisingly small amount of nudity, but don't let that scare you off. Check it out, it really is a sweet movie.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

FULL CONTACT (1992)

Chow Yun-fat is a bad guy who, in order to help his friend (Anthony Wong) get out of a debt to a ruthless loan shark, agrees to take part in the hijacking of an arms shipment. They steal the weapons, but then as they are about to make their getaway Wong's cousin attacks Chow and leaves him for dead...but he's not fucking dead, so a few years later he returns to enact his revenge.

FULL CONTACT is a fun 90's HK actioner filled with fog and smoke and strange clothing and lighting reminiscent of a music video. It might not be as stylized as the John Woo films of the same era, but director Ringo Lam more than makes up for it with tons of gritty action. It's pretty much nonstop! I loved the bad guy and his gang. He's supergay and violent as fuck and his gang was made up solely of psychopaths! Instead of going in a bar and simply kidnapping a guy, they go in, talk shit, beat up everybody, shoot anybody who makes a sound, fire off probably 500 bullets, toss a hand grenade in when they leave (it's still full of innocent people!) then drive off while laughing like maniacs.

On top of the action you have Chow Yun-fat, Simon Yam and Anthony Wong all in the same movie. That's fucking awesome and worth watching just for that. Tons of great action scenes, zero nudity, bullets flying all over the place, very bizarre dance moves, bullet cam, rain dripping off a knife, a really cute dog, explosions and a vomiting crab. Check it out.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

BLOOD RAIN (2006)

Interesting murder mystery set back a few hundred years ago on a small Korean island. The only thing on the island is a paper mill, but when a mysterious fire breaks out and a dude is found impaled an investigator from the mainland is sent in to solve the mystery. He soon discovers that 7 years earlier the wealthy owner of the paper mill was falsely accused of a crime and his entire family executed in different horrible ways. The new string of murders are copying those same deaths.

Good film, but it's 20 minutes too long. Also the murders just weren't as kickass as I had hoped. Zero nudity, not very much blood, zero suspense, nice sets, great looking costumes, good but not very spirited acting and the slow pace kinda made me sleepy. I can't recommend it. The story is strong enough that I would actually like to see a remake of this, just by a better director with a more streamlined script.

If you need me, I'll be in my room reading Robert McCammon's "Speaks the Nightbird".
And what exactly would your first clue be?

THE SWITCH (2010)

Jennifer Aniston feels her biological clock ticking so she decides to put some jizz in a turkey baster and cram it up her twat (I think that was the original tagline for the poster). Problem is, whose sperm is she going to choose? Secretly (maybe even to herself?) she wants to hook up with her best friend, Jason Bateman, but for whatever reason that's just never happened. So she ends up picking some handsome athletic beau hunk, but then at the "insemination party" Jason gets so shitfaced drunk that he accidentally replaces the jizz in the bottle with his own spooge.  Now that's drunk!  Soon after she gets pregnant and Jennifer conveniently moves out of the state for 7 years then returns with a little, bitty version of Jason, except nobody knows it. To compound matters even more Jennifer starts a relationship with the dude who donated the sperm.

THE SWITCH could have gone one the crude-comedy-with-a heart-of-gold route like THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, but instead it goes the safe route. Kinda like a Woody Allen-lite, lite, lite version. The baster scene is nonexistent, the relationship between Jason and Jennifer is never really strained, the relationship between Jennifer and the sperm donor dude is never that strong, the sperm donor dude is too nice and never dis-likeable...everything is just too perfect.

I enjoyed the movie, but never really grabbed me. I did like the head lice scene and giggled at Jeff Goldblum's one-liners. Hell, I even liked Jennifer Aniston, but the script was too goddamn weak. It needed more stress and turmoil before the inevitable happy ending.