Showing posts with label Animals Gone Bad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Animals Gone Bad. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

CRAWL (2019)

Moron dad ignores warnings to evacuate ahead of a Category 5 hurricane. Moron daughter goes off in search of her moron dad. Good news is she finds him. Bad news is he’s injured and trapped in the crawl space beneath his crib with multiple large ill-tempered alligators. All with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

The most surprising thing about CRAWL is it isn’t surprising at all. I usually enjoy killer animal movies and I love disaster movies, so I mistakenly thought that if you combine those two things with the director of the gnarly HIGH TENSION, that CRAWL would be an awesome bloodbath of alligators ripping people to shreds. Flinging intestines and bloody limbs into the air with gleeful abandon. Nope. The cinematography by Maxime Alexandre looks nice, but, outside of that, CRAWL is strictly by-the-numbers. Quick set-up of character backstories, put characters in dangerous situation, have characters scamper around as various side characters run up the low body count, have main characters learn lessons about family.

I remember seeing CRAWL in the theater and being mildly entertained, but disappointed by the final act. I had hoped that once it was released on home media that it would get a longer cut with added brutal violence, but that didn’t happen. It’s just the same old movie. Zero nudity, very little blood, forgettable looking sets that look like sets, unimaginative script, boring cast, disappointing ending.

Overall, CRAWL is watchable and mildly entertaining. I did like the dog though. She was super cute. I loved when she was swimming. Those back legs were kicking! They should make an alien invasion movie, but just make it about the dog from CRAWL and the cat from that boring ass A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE.  (Literally, the best minutes of that movie are when the cat ran off by itself.) No human main characters at all, just a cat and a dog’s journey across a Robert McCammon-style post-apocalyptic wasteland. Then they both die at the end.

After many harrowing adventures together, our two heroes are on the side of a hill that overlooks a large dead city. The sky is grey and the clouds low. The cat and dog walk together in silence, breathing out ghosts in the bitter cold. The dog misjudges a step and breaks one of his back legs on a loose rock. Before the dog even falls to the ground, the cat knows that they are doomed. Still, she does what she can to comfort her best friend. She brings him a small mouse to eat and nuzzles him. Then, as night settles and the deeper cold moves in, she cuddles up to him to keep him as warm as her little body can. He dies in the night. She feels his body cool next to her. In the morning, she knows that she is healthy enough to move on. But, she also knows that life is not worth living when one is truly alone.

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish. Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.

For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad decisions.

Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome, but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”