Monday, September 28, 2009

DEADGIRL (2008)

Two teenage nerds are messing around in an abandoned building when they find a naked female zombie chained up to a gurney. Naturally, they never strongly question where this monster came from and just decide to make the best out of a bad situation and keeps the chick as a sex slave. Of course, things soon spiral out of control, but it's all telegraphed so far ahead that you can guess the entire movie after 15 minutes.

The other thing that pissed me off, besides the complete lack of imagination on the part of the writer, is the ridiculous loose ends.  You're telling me that 5 students from the same high school can all either die or disappear (because they are dead) and the police are never going to get involved?! Horseshit! Also, where the f did the zombie come from and why didn't whoever put it there come back and claim her? That would be truly scary, cause whoever is behind this has to be completely evil.

Maybe the entire film is some kind of weak fairy tale allegory bullshit about fantasies, feminism or who knows maybe even homoerotic desires? Cause I damn sure don't want to stand behind some dude and just stare at him humping on a crusty dead broad.

Ehh, fuck it. The movie blew, but not bad enough to not watch it. If you're into necrophilia cinema then check it out, but not until after you watch AFTERMATH, NEKROMANTIK (PART 1 only, PART 2 was weak), VISITOR Q and KISSED first.  I did like the look of the film though, it reminded me of Larry Clark's straightforward style from BULLY and KIDS...hey, I just had a cool idea: think how badass this film might have turned out if Larry Clark had directed it! Now that would have been interesting to see.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

APRES LUI (2007)

Well, this film just disappointing the fuck out of me. The back of the box says something about a mother's 20-year-old son dying in a car wreck and then in her sorrow she develops a strange relationship with the son's best friend. To me that sounded really interesting and a great chance for the filmmakers to delve into some of the darker depths of human behavior. Catherine Deneuve is my favorite actresses and since she already had such success exploring human sexuality in films like BELLE DE JOUR and REPULSION among others, I naively though that maybe in a film with such a powerful subject (grief and sexuality) she would give a ground shattering performance. I was wrong.

Denevue's performance is good, nothing more, but the story is dead in the water right from the beginning. The son is never properly introduced, except in a brief scene as a annoying dork and then he's dead.  Bam! Eight minutes into the film he's croaked on over to the other side and I feel nothing at all. Deneuve quickly takes interest in the friend and turns him into her pet project: giving him a job and getting him back in school.  Soon she starts with the stalking, the touching and the acting like a crazy person, but not crazy enough to make it interesting. Other boring stuff happens but it's all unimportant and the entire film just drags along like a two-legged turtle until the disappointing ending.

Unless you're just a hardcore Deneuve fan then I cannot think of any reason to watch this film.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

THE UMBRELLAS OF CHERBOURG (1964)

Teenager Genevieve (Catherine Deneuve) is in love with a local boy, Guy, who works at a mechanic's shop. Neither have any money, but they are madly in love and want to get married. Genevieve's mom understands how hot Genevieve is and won't let her meal ticket hook up with just any ol' guy.  He's got to be rich! I think you can see where this is going.

The story isn't that original, but what's remarkable about this film is the music.  Every single word is sang.  The music is very energetic and jazzy.  The colours explode off the screen and Catherine Deneuve is absolutely radiant.  Maybe the prettiest she's ever been...and that's saying something!

Incredible cinematography, bright colors everywhere, sad but realistic views on relationships, great songs and Catherine Deneuve looking so young and pure...hard to believe she was stabbing people just a year later in REPULSIONHighly recommended. One of my favorite musical of all time.  My only complaint is I wish the final moments of the last scene were spoken.

Monday, September 14, 2009

TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL (2001)

[Update 12/27/2020: Going to watch this entire series and then fix this review.]
 
A 12th-rate Marilyn Manson impersonator is going to perform his unique brand of shit rock on a airplane for some of his ugliest fans and also live on the internet. After the first few (horrible) songs the lead singer dude goes to the restroom (possibly to take a giant dump) and is knocked out and replaced by a Satanist that is hellbent on taking over the plane and wrecking it into a small church in Kansas because he believes that that will bring on the Antichrist.

Back on earth, an FBI agent just happens to arrest a hacker at the exact moment he gains access to the rock guy's website video feed, so together, they figure out that the plane is under terrorist control and then they contact (via more hacking) the real rock star and talk him into being Harrison Ford from AIR FORCE ONE.  Here's a classic line from the movie: "Let me get this straight, Kate: you want the hacker you went to arrest to virtually guide the rock star through the plane so that he can overpower the armed, Satanic hijackers?" Honestly, I need to quit my job and start writing movie scripts. Cuz there's no way, no way that I would write anything worst than that!

The whole thing is just so ridiculous and full of holes that you can't help but just laugh your ass off. I watched this with some friends and we laughed and giggled like fucking idiots. But I can only image that watching it alone would be torture. 
 
Part 1 - Turbulence (1997) 
Part 2 - Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying (1999)
 
What a hacker might look like.

What a rock concert might look like.

What a dork might look like.

What a...what the fuck is that?!!

Friday, September 11, 2009

ANATOMY (2000)

"It's kind of fun to sit around and talk about dick sizes in public."
 
A young woman (Franka Potente of RUN LOLA RUN fame) is smart enough to get accepted into one of the most prestigious medical schools in Germany, but not smart enough to recognize there's a murderous (not so) secret society, the Anti-Hippocratic Society (A.A.A.), going around killing people.  And not just some random students on the other side of the school, but people in her main Anatomy class and even her roommate!
 
I enjoyed the basic story idea of ANATOMY, but the entire film is just so light-hearted and downright silly that there is absolutely no way a hardened horror fan could ever take this film seriously.  It's better just to sit back then admire and giggle at how dumb everything is.  I mean there's a Fatboy Slim "Praise You" montage scene for fuck's sake!
 
Okay pace, absolutely ridiculous story, very little blood, the biggest door opening that I've ever seen on a public bus, nobody sexy at all to look at, hilariously bad dialogue, a Final Girl who puts herself into danger multiple times, boring killers, disappointing ending.  Not a bad film, but in no way can it be looked at as a serious horror film.  Watch it for a laugh. 

Part 2 - Anatomy 2 (2003)