VERTICAL LIMIT (2000)

Hold on to yer clitoris', motherfuckers!!! From the writer of PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE comes VERTICAL LIMIT, the completely nuts story of a brother (Chris O'Donnell) who will stop at nothing to save his sister (Robin Tunney) who's trapped by an avalanche with the slimy Bill Paxton.

 

The film opens by showing us lowly groundwalkers just how awesome and relaxed the brother and sister are hanging a trillion feet up in the air with nothing to protect them except their climbing gear and gigantic balls. Then...tragedy strikes and the brother's gigantic climbing balls wither up and die. But not his sister!  Oh no, she still has her gigantic climbing testicles and scampers all over the joint like a spider monkey hopped up on hallucinogenic toad puss. That is until one fateful day when she goes climbing with Bill fuckin' Paxton and a powerful storm traps them in a crevasse. Now it's up to brother Chris O'Donnell to re-grow his massive climbing round tables and lead three nitroglycerin-packin' teams of big-balled badasses straight up that mountain's butthole and save his sister!!! Grrrrr!

On a believability scale of 0 - 666, VERTICAL LIMIT scores somewhere around zero point zero. I know very little about mountain climbing, but I'm almost positive that somebody in full mountain climbing gear cannot run and jump 100 feet, face first into a solid wall of frozen rock and save themselves by ramming two hammer spikes into the wall. That said, I enjoyed the movie because it was stupid, yet somehow still tried to be serious. To me, that's pure entertainment. Plus, I like it when Bill Paxton plays a slimeball.

Fast enough pace, dated special effects, annoying as fuck stoner bros that said a bunch of funny stuff but none of it was even remotely funny, impressive (nearly all male) cast, a 27-second scene of Scott Glenn shaving, reality thrown straight out the window, plot holes (dying from a lack of water...in a hole made up of ice and snow; who was doing Morse code on the radio first?), macho climbing talk, enough helicopter action to make Michael Bay spooge, Longmire using his normal(?) voice, mildly disappointing third act.

Recommended for fans of ridiculous action movies.  Would probably make a fun double-feature with TWISTER.

BACKDRAFT (1991)

U done been backdrafted hoe! New firefighter William Baldwin (oh god...I'm already bored) lives in some big shadows.  His father was a legendary firefighter who died in a fire that ended up on the cover of Life Magazine and his older brother (Kurt Russell) is the toughest, manliest firefighter since John Wayne clubbed oil well fires to death with his massive penis in HELLFIGHTERS. Even worse...firefighter William Baldwin's been stationed to the same firehouse as his brother.  All kinds of predictable brotherly competition and firefighting ruggedness happens next. There's even a musical montage!

BACKDRAFT is mildly entertaining and actually more fun to laugh at than it is to take serious. My favorite part of the film is when we're introduced to a mystery arsonist who's killing people using a technique called "backdraft".  It seems that the fire is somehow held inside a room magically and then when the victim opens the doors the fire backdrafts all up in their shit and punches them like 50 feet through the air.  It also makes a howling noise like a dragon having sex with an iceberg.  Fire investigator Robert De Niro is sent in to investigate the murders and he talks about fire like it's an actual living thing I was totally into it.  It was silly as fook, but still fun to daydream that this is some kind of firefighting crossover into the Conjuring Universe.

Overall, BACKDRAFT is very dated, the story is in dire need of a re-write, the special effects are alright, the firefighting scenes are unbelievable, the entire thing looks like a movie, the acting by the impressive cast (not Baldwin) was solid. Also, I was confused as to why multiple times the firefighters arrive at the scene of a large fire, then they immediately station themselves on the floor above the fire and then have to quickly escape because the floor is caving in. 

Not the greatest thing I've even seen, but it was an interesting ride and a lot of you to randomly yell "Backdraft!!!" while watching. It's fun look back at early 90's big studio action/dramas. I love to daydream that somebody actually took this film serious.  We also get to see the guy from IRON EAGLE's pubes!!!

Oh yeah, I like when the one firefighter heroically says, "The fire never got me." then dies 15 seconds later from a fire-related injury. Awesome.

Part 2 - Backdraft II (2019)

Strange how they removed old Iron Eagle's pubes for the blu-ray.